Advice from the Poly people?

[Hime]

Hi, guys. I'm feeling both very lucky and very scared and insecure lately. I would really like to have some guidance from those who have been there before (and those who've just thought about it a lot. From a *cough* purely academic standpoint).

My husband/Master and I got married with the understanding that I have sexual desires for women that I had not yet been able to explore, and that if the opportunity arose for me to be with a woman whom we both liked and trusted in a safe situation with no intense emotional attachment (i.e. no falling in love -- isn't that the rule from Pretty Woman?), that it would be ok with him. Since we made that decision, I have thought about it plenty of times, but almost exclusively in the context of fantasizing -- I hadn't really thought about what being in a sexual relationship with more than one person would be like. I sort of figured that we'd cross that bridge when we came to it.

To make a long story short, we've come to it. Recently a female friend of ours found out about my long-standing crush on her, and confirmed that my feelings are returned (she and her husband have the same arrangement re: relationships with women). There was a very chaste kiss and the promise of more to follow next time we are in the same city.

So awesome, right? I have a sexy Dom husband, a beautiful friend whom I may get to think of as a friend with benefits, and neither one is mad at me about the other one. Being me, however, I am feeling neurotic as hell.

I have never had a physical relationship that didn't follow directly from a romantic relationship, and I've only ever had sex with my husband. Before I met him, I was waiting for the right person -- I didn't want to be just another conquest for someone who was working on their "number," and I certainly didn't want any reviews of my technique posted on Facebook. So for me, a certain emotional closeness is a pretty inseparable part of sex -- the feeling that I am special to someone, who is also special to me. Since my husband and I have been exploring the D/s side of our relationship, this has been even more true, because being the one that he chooses to call "Pet" makes me feel more special and confident than almost anything else, and it reinforces how uniquely powerful a presence he is in my life. He has allowed me to be with my friend because he is confident that I will still belong to him, but I'm not sure that I am entirely comfortable being with someone just for fun and exploration. I have trouble imagining what it would be like to have sex without the emotional bond that I am accustomed to.

I guess this is just a really long wind-up to the question, could it be that I'm just not supposed to be in this sort of situation? Is being Poly, or having a Poly experience, something that someone can learn to do, or is it natural like being submissive is to me? I really like the idea of exploring my attraction to women, as it is very confusing to feel so sure that I'm bi without knowing what being with another woman is like. But I am worried that forcing something that isn't right for me will undo a lot of the progress I've made towards feeling comfortable with myself and my body. Wise BDSM people, what would you do?

p.s. the other difficulty is that my friend is also submissive. Strangely, I don't really mind the idea of being the domme in that situation, in a very mild way. Which could mean even more re-evaluating of my identity. So confusing!

[Guest 91108]

smiles , Hime, take your chances and enjoy the exploring journey.
WV and I have ongoing talks in this area.. and only recently began looking.. for possiblities if they come up .. discussing how things might could play out.
if the other person knows ahead there's no chance of you and he splitting , no illusions of situation ... then i say go for it.
variety is the spice of life. and adds to home life as well I think.

[Hime]

"How things might could play out"? You're a Southerner, aren't you? From now on I will hear your posts in my husband's accent.

I hope that you and WV have fun exploring, too. You both seem to handle relationships with a lot of maturity.

[Guest 91108]

smiles ... southron and proud of it.

[Sir_G]

Personally I don't think forcing the issue is the way to go especially if you are unsure. I would only go ahead if you are completely relaxed about all the issues you have mentioned. If you are feeling uncomfortable your prospective partner will pick up on it and that can lead to complications especially if you decide at the end of the day you don't want to go ahead.

It should be a wonderful experience not one fraught with what ifs and angst. And certainly not one where you rely on a tick in the box from us. Ostensibly it's between you your prospective partner and both of your "married partners." If it's ok with them and you that's what you should be considering because if things go sideways as they can that's who will be directly affected.

Someone wise said "you don't know what you've got till it's gone". Making up our own minds is one of the few true freedoms we have left. Exercise that right Hime, follow your heart it knows best.

Good luck and enjoy whatever you choose.

[princess_of_pain]

Maybe consider a "get together" or two (or more) between you and your friend to see how that plays out? If things progress in a positive manner, y'all could then consider bringing your hubby into the mix? Just a suggestion from the (woefully inexperienced) peanut gallery.

[kestrel]

My suggestion to you would to be to have a night in with the other couple. Dinner, chat, see what happens. If you and your friend end up "together" then great, if not that's ok too. Make it a night with no expectations, a night with friends that could lead to more. But only go as far as you are comfortable with. No harm done if you don't have sex with her. If it's right it will happen and they always say good things come to those who wait. Good luck. ~smiles~

[Warbaby1943]

I think you need to really think this over. It sounds to me like you are concerned about what your feelings will be afterward.

From my experiences, where I had no conscience and just did what my cock told me to do, I was never bothered afterward. I could always separate those feelings of just wanting and having sex with someone other than my wife from feelings of love and emotions. It never bothered me at all. Now I couldn't even imagine doing that because I have changed.

You seem to be one who's conscience may bother them plus you appear to need an emotional attachment. If I am reading you all wrong, go for it. However, if I am reading you correctly proceed cautiously because once done it can never be undone.

[Ozme52]

This isn't actually a poly situation. You're not talking, at least I don't think you're talking about a permanent or semi-permanent relationship that includes shared time together (with the three or four of you) that includes activities normally associated with living together in a bonded relationship.

This sounds like a sexual adventure akin to swapping or an ordinary affair, albeit one that occurs within the rules of an open or semi-open marriage.

And that's perfectly okay. It's far easier than trying to be poly. So go enjoy and experiment and find out if you want to do it again or if the urge is now satisfied.

You won't be threatening your marriage if you double check and confirm his feelings about it haven't changed, if you swear to yourself that you have enough love in you to stay with him and not endanger your marriage regardless of how great the sex is with your friend. (Love grows in you. If you happen to fall in love, remember that doesn't mean you had to fall out of love with your husband. There's plenty to go around.)

I think you're just having jitters because it's new to you. Next time it will be jitters for some other reason. That's called ANTICIPATION and it's a heady feeling.

Go for it Hime... and remember, if you like it, and ever find yourself itching for a wizard.

[Ozme52]

Sorry. Gotta flirt. It's a diagnosed affliction.

[Rhabbi]

Hime, as kestrel said, just take it one step at a time. What you are thinking about is not strictly poly, as Oz has pointed out, as that would involve some emotional attachment.

Something I would suggest that you seriously consider before you get into it though is will this actually violate your agreement with your husband. My guess is that your anxiety actually stems from the thought that you might end up caring about your friend more deeply, or even loosing her over this. Discuss this with your husband, ask her to discuss it with hers, and then get together and discuss all of the ramifications as two couples. If it ends up being a poly relationship with both couples involved, then there are even more possibilities that may present themselves. If you end up deciding to fore go the temptation in order not to risk the friendship, that is also good. But think about the possible repercussions and have frank and open discussions about them with all the parties involved.

[Hime]

Huh. I always thought polyamory was just a new word for what used to be called an "open marriage." Learn something new every day.

I am starting to feel better about this, I think... examining my feelings about her, I'm pretty sure that I feel the same way that I feel about my other close friends -- they are all very special and important to me, and spending time with them always makes me feel warm and happy.

I did hear something the other day, though, which sort of clarified the risks of the situation. One of my friends is in a sexually open relationship with a woman at her college. Over the summer, both of them slept with other people. My friend made a new "friend with benefits" with no romance involved; her GF met someone and apparently fell in love, and would now rather spend time daydreaming about the other girl than being with her girlfriend. I would never want my husband to feel the way my friend feels -- like she can't compete even though she's there and the other girl isn't. What I think I have decided, though, is that I would never put my husband in that position -- no matter what happens, I know that being with him makes me happy, and that he's really the only one I need.

[Rhabbi]

Huh. I always thought polyamory was just a new word for what used to be called an "open marriage." Learn something new every day.

I am starting to feel better about this, I think... examining my feelings about her, I'm pretty sure that I feel the same way that I feel about my other close friends -- they are all very special and important to me, and spending time with them always makes me feel warm and happy.

I did hear something the other day, though, which sort of clarified the risks of the situation. One of my friends is in a sexually open relationship with a woman at her college. Over the summer, both of them slept with other people. My friend made a new "friend with benefits" with no romance involved; her GF met someone and apparently fell in love, and would now rather spend time daydreaming about the other girl than being with her girlfriend. I would never want my husband to feel the way my friend feels -- like she can't compete even though she's there and the other girl isn't. What I think I have decided, though, is that I would never put my husband in that position -- no matter what happens, I know that being with him makes me happy, and that he's really the only one I need.

An open marraige just means that there is no monogamy, while polyamory means that I am capable of loving more than one person at a time. For me, there is no such thing as a friend with benefits. I get emotionally involved if I get into a long term sexual relationship. I realize that this is not true of everyone, but it is of me.

[Hime]

An open marraige just means that there is no monogamy, while polyamory means that I am capable of loving more than one person at a time. For me, there is no such thing as a friend with benefits. I get emotionally involved if I get into a long term sexual relationship. I realize that this is not true of everyone, but it is of me.

Huh, interesting. I'm still not sure how that would work for me -- I get "involved" whenever I'm close to someone, in the sense that my friends are very, very important to me. I have three or four (depending on whether family members count) friends with whom I exchange "I love you"s, hugs and intense emotional support (as in, they would be there for me if I were having a panic attack or other serious problem, and vice versa), and to me the difference between my relationship with those friends and my relationship with my husband and Master is mostly one of priority -- i.e., if it was between helping one of my friends and helping him, I would help him.

Just curious, in your life is their such a difference? As in, "I have multiple partners, but this one is the highest priority to me?" Or is everyone basically equal?

[Rhabbi]

Who is most important depends on different factors, my needs/desires and theirs. Kind of like having children, the one you are with is the important one. Hard to explain that in a way that makes more sense.

[Clevernick]

I'm not an expert like Rhabbi, but since wifey and I are looking for a situation not dissimilar to the one you've found, here are some thoughts from our search:

1. I recommend the book "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt:
http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-I.../dp/1890159018

2. If your potential girlfriend is submissive, and you're worried about your husband's feelings, is there a way he could take her on as a second sub? Does that interest either of them? Since you'd both be doing what you're told, this might be easier. You could still be dominant to her within that context, or not.

3. Assuming you can get away without an emotional attachment to someone you're sleeping with, regardless of gender, is dangerous. But there's no need to.

Assuming instead that you have enough genuine love in you to give all of it to more than one person, and have some to spare, is more likely to be true. For many people, it's obviously true. But not for everyone. Your mileage may vary. Know yourself.

[Hime]

I'm not an expert like Rhabbi, but since wifey and I are looking for a situation not dissimilar to the one you've found, here are some thoughts from our search:

1. I recommend the book "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt:
http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-I.../dp/1890159018

2. If your potential girlfriend is submissive, and you're worried about your husband's feelings, is there a way he could take her on as a second sub? Does that interest either of them? Since you'd both be doing what you're told, this might be easier. You could still be dominant to her within that context, or not.

That's a "nope" -- she is also married, and her husband is very much opposed to the idea of her with other guys. Among other problems. But as a fantasy I could do worse.

3. Assuming you can get away without an emotional attachment to someone you're sleeping with, regardless of gender, is dangerous. But there's no need to.

Assuming instead that you have enough genuine love in you to give all of it to more than one person, and have some to spare, is more likely to be true. For many people, it's obviously true. But not for everyone. Your mileage may vary. Know yourself.

Thanks for the advice. I have known lots of people who've gotten burned by expecting a "no strings attached" fling -- I hope that I'm being slightly more realistic.

[Ozme52]

It's an affair. Your husband approves. Go for it and don't worry so much.

(IMO & remembering I'm a bit of a dawg.)

[Logic1]

lol I would actually agree with Oz there.
If yours and her husband are both okay with it then go for it.
Not like you got anything real to loose if they are all okay with it imo unless it is an emotional block on your part.

Personally I am so monogamous it is silly at times. I could never do anything like this myself. My blocks are almost too strong at times.