tired.of.vanilla's first assignment

[Dragon's muse]

Welcome to the block!

For your first assignment, craft a scene/chapter/story with the following opening line.

Crystal pulled the red dress over head and flung it into the corner. The room was littered with similarly tossed clothing. Inconceivable as it was, she didn't have a thing to wear.

[tired.of.vanilla{DJ}]

Wonderful Thanks! Okay, here goes!

**********************************************
Crystal pulled the red dress over head and flung it into the corner. The room was littered with similarly tossed clothing. Inconceivable as it was, she didn't have a thing to wear. Carefully she tip-toed over the mess, half tripped on a black pair of slacks and landed on the bed. She sighed deeply. It's finally the big night and nothing is sexy enough.
"Enough!" she thought to herself. "He isn't really going to care that much, nothing I wear is going to stay on long anyway." She giggled at the thought.
Picking back up the red dress, she smoothed out the wrinkles and slid the silk over her skin. With a shake, she settled the dress in place and smiled. Now she stepped over to the dresser and pulled open the top drawer. An array of colors burned the eyes. She rustled through and selected a cherry thong. Balancing on the covered floor she slipped the thong into place, pulling extra snug.
"hmmmmm." she breathed as the tight satin cord bite into her cheeks.
She reached back into the drawer and pulled out a pair of fishnets, then with a heavy grunt she kicked the rest of the clothes and accessories in the corner. Finally she opened the shoe closet, and selected the ballet boots. Carefully leaning on the wall, she eased the stockings over one leg and then the other, giving them a final tug as she stretched. Before placing the boots on, she decided to put on her jewelry. Out of the box came a pair of hoop earrings in gold, a diamond nose stud, and her golden collar. Happily Crystal popped them in place.
"Snug as a bug." She told herself, then seated on the edge of the bed, she tucked her right foot into the tall ballet boot, tightened the laces and lifted her leg to get the full effect. "Nice." Done admiring herself she put on the other shoe. Gave them both a swift couple of kicks and moaned as her feet touched the floor. She was certainly glad she was not going far on foot tonight.
A knock at the apartment door shook her mind free from the pain of those first few steps. He was here! She gasped as she took a step too fast on those high shoes. Then slowly walked to the door. The thong rubbed hard on her pucker. Crystal's feet screamed at her. Her throat tugged at her collar. She was soaked. He would surely be pleased, she hoped.
Reaching down, she grasp the doorknob and turned.
***************************************
Just sort of a short chapter. I have done very very little writing since high school *ten+ years ago* so this might be horrible. I will write more as we go along, just a short bit to start with. Sorry if this turns out to painful.

[Rhabbi]

First, althought this was short I did enjoy it and want to see more. Not only can you express yourself through your art, but your writing has some potential also.

Now to a few of the nits that I see.

Crystal pulled the red dress over head and flung it into the corner. The room was littered with similarly tossed clothing. Inconceivable as it was, she didn't have a thing to wear. Carefully she tip-toed over the mess, half tripped on a black pair of slacks and landed on the bed. She sighed deeply. It's finally the big night and nothing is sexy enough.
"Enough!" she thought to herself. "He isn't really going to care that much, nothing I wear is going to stay on long anyway." She giggled at the thought. The italics here are not necessary, we can tell from the descritives that she is thinking to hereself.
Picking back up the red dress, she smoothed out the wrinkles and slid the silk over her skin. With a shake, she settled the dress in place and smiled. Now delete Words like now, then, and next are rarely necessary to a story. Read the sentence again without them, and it it makes sense that way, leave them out. she stepped over to the dresser and pulled open the top drawer. An array of colors burned the eyes. She rustled I see a comma here, and then rustling, something like this. An array of colors burned the eyes, rustling through she selected... This makes the flow a bit better.through and selected a cherry thong. Balancing on the covered floor she slipped the thong into place, pulling extra snug.
"hmmmmm," Using a period makes this two sentences, which does not really work, and probably was not what you intended since you did not capitalize. she breathed as the tight satin cord bite into her cheeks.
She reached back into the drawer and pulled out a pair of fishnets, then delete with a heavy grunt she kicked the rest of the clothes and accessories in the corner. Finally she opened the shoe closet, and selected the ballet boots. Carefully, leaning on the wall, she eased the stockings over one leg and then the other, giving them a final tug as she stretched. Before placing the boots on, she decided to put on her jewelry. Out of the box came a pair of hoop earrings in gold, a diamond nose stud, and her golden collar. Happily Crystal popped them in place.
"Snug as a bug." She told herself, then seated on the edge of the bed, she tucked her right foot into the tall ballet boot, tightened the laces and lifted her leg to get the full effect. "Nice." Done admiring herself she put on the other shoe. Gave them both a swift couple of kicks and moaned as her feet touched the floor. She was certainly glad she was not going far on foot tonight. Again, the italics are unnecessary.
A knock at the apartment door shook her mind free from the pain of those first few steps. He was here! She gasped as she took a step too fast on those high shoes. Not sure it is anything but a quibble, but earlier you said boots and here you say shoes. Detracts a bit from the story, though I did not notice in the first reading. Then delete slowly walked to the door. The thong rubbed hard on her pucker. Crystal's feet screamed at her. Her throat tugged at her collar. She was soaked. He would surely be pleased, she hoped.
Reaching down, she grasped the doorknob and turned.

As I said, this story has potential. do not let the nits scare you away.

You need to look at your writing the way you look at a picture you draw. Does it flow constantly? Are their places that detract from rather than enhance the subject? Did you put all the colors in properly.

The main problem I see with this is you did it too fast. You made this a sketch rather than a finished piece. There is nothing wrong with doing a sketch, but a story should be a complete, welll thought out picture.

As a first effort this is actually quite good, keep up the good work.

[Dragon's muse]

Just a quick note to let you know i have seen this. Will get to it today or tomorrow.

smooches,
rose

[Dragon's muse]

Excellent beginning, you have a nice gift for description. i will go on record saying that i agree with all of Rhabbi's suggested edits and probably have a few of my own. If i repeat a few of his, i apologize.

This is a good beginning, learn not to be afraid of details. Especially the ones that convey emotions. Heart pounding, breathing shallow and rapid. Instead of "She was soaked," it could be that her inner thighs were slick with the juices of her arousal. Maybe even the scent of her juices could tickle her nose. It is the sensory details that draw the reader into the tale.

i will get your next assignment posted sometime today or tomorrow.

rose

Wonderful Thanks! Okay, here goes!

**********************************************
Crystal pulled the red dress over head and flung it into the corner. The room was littered with similarly tossed clothing. Inconceivable as it was, she didn't have a thing to wear. Carefully she tip-toed over the mess, half tripped on a black pair of slacks and landed on the bed. She sighed deeply. It's finally the big night and nothing is sexy enough.
"Enough!" she thought to herself. "He isn't really going to care that much, nothing I wear is going to stay on long anyway." She giggled at the thought.
Picking back up the red dress, she smoothed out the wrinkles and slid the silk over her skin. With a shake, she settled the dress in place and smiled. Now she stepped over to the dresser and pulled open the top drawer. An array of colors burned the eyes. She rustled through and selected a cherry thong. Balancing on the covered floor she slipped the thong into place, pulling extra snug.
"hmmmmm." she breathed as the tight satin cord bite into her cheeks.
She reached back into the drawer and pulled out a pair of fishnets, then with a heavy grunt she kicked the rest of the clothes and accessories in the corner. Finally she opened the shoe closet, and selected the ballet boots. Carefully leaning on the wall, she eased the stockings over one leg and then the other, giving them a final tug as she stretched. Before placing the boots on, she decided to (delete) put on her jewelry. Out of the box came a pair of hoop earrings in gold, a diamond nose stud, and her golden collar. Happily, Crystal popped them in place.
"Snug as a bug." She told herself, (delete) seated on the edge of the bed, she tucked her right foot into the tall ballet boot, tightened the laces and lifted her leg to get the full effect. "Nice." Done admiring herself she put on the other shoe (boot). Gave them both a swift (this should be immediately before "Kicks" i think) couple of kicks and moaned as her feet touched the floor. She was certainly glad she was not going far on foot tonight.
A knock at the apartment door shook her mind free from the pain of those first few steps. He was here! She gasped as she took a step too fast on those high shoes. Then slowly walked to the door. The thong rubbed hard on her pucker. Crystal's feet screamed at her. Her throat tugged at her collar. (I would switch this around to have the collar pressing on her throat. it just reads awkwardly) She was soaked. He would surely be pleased, she hoped.
Reaching down, she grasp the doorknob and turned.
***************************************
Just sort of a short chapter. I have done very very little writing since high school *ten+ years ago* so this might be horrible. I will write more as we go along, just a short bit to start with. Sorry if this turns out to painful.