Bad Sex in Fiction - The Award Goes to...

[Ruby]

Who would have thought that writers of bad sex scenes can actually win an award? Let's thank the British for such a great idea and run with it.

This year's 2005 winner is:

Food critic Coren wins British bad sex award
Fri Dec 2,10:56 AM ET

Food-critic-turned-novelist Giles Coren won one of Britain's most dreaded literary accolades on Thursday -- the prize for bad sex in fiction.

The prize is awarded each year "to draw attention to the crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel."

Coren won it for a raunchy passage from his debut novel "Winkler" which included a description of the main character's penis "leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath."

"It was the overexcited shower ... which clinched the deal for Giles Coren," judges said. "That and the endlessly long sentence, which squirms and wriggles like the shower head."

For more of the story click here:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051202/..._literature_dc

Forum readers, now it's your turn. Have you read a passage from one of the stories posted in the BDSM Library that could rival the winner?

If so, please pull out the tidbit and share it with the rest of us. This is the critic's circle, so let's be critical.

Note: this is not about picking on the author, it's about finding those choice bits of written word that you think may have deserved this award.

[acissej]

Interesting thread, Ruby!

While I'm not going to attempt to find a rival in the library, here's another article on the awards that was passed around my office: http://books.guardian.co.uk/news/art...656302,00.html. You'll find links to all the nominated passages - including those from Gabriel Garcia Marquez and John Updike. Enjoy!

[Rabbit1]

lol good one Ruby

[Mad Lews]

Really Ruby to tease us like that and then leave us searching the net for more. Like we were chasing after a wild shower head as it hopped hither and tither crashing against the cold porcaline of the rust stained tub...,
Oh yeah, where was I. Allow me to post this short passage under the 'Fair Use' doctrine giving proper credit to the creator of same

"Winkler by Giles Coren (Jonathan Cape)

And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro."

Now there's a passage to aspire toward.
I am humbled
Mad Lews

[Kaori-san]

-gg- i particually love the 'he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.' part..... now that's true literary genius

[Ruby]

For Mad and others, who are still searching, here's the direct link to the longer versions of nominated passages:

http://books.guardian.co.uk/departme...652812,00.html

Thanks for the link, acissej.

Go Zorro!

[Widget]

Wow, I don't know that anyone deserves to be rivaled with that passage. However I did find one that still makes me giggle which was not I am sure the intention of the author at all.

You raised your head as you felt your fingers being clutched; and in a stern voice "Not yet My Sweet Treat, you know you have to wait for permission to cum.

"Oh" I cry out, feeling your lips once again suckling at my itty bitty clitty.

...to rhyme or not to rhyme...

not

[gagged_Louise]

The Rushdie bit looks good. For going over-the-top with period colour I'd recommend a paperback novel of 1980 called Bloody Bay, by Sandra Lee - it's about the two historical pirate women Anne Bonny and Mary Read, friends of Captain Kidd and others and most probably hanged in Haiti in 1720. Old Defoe had already written about these two, who began dressed as men but finally fought and necked their enemies without hiding they were women (there's no way of telling how much of Defoe's account of their background was true, but Ms Lee accepts it, even says in the afterword that "Defoe's integrity would have prevented him from inventing a story as outrageou as the one about 'Mistress Mary and the three spoons', an episode of Mary's orphan childhood).
It's a good story right through, but the slight trouble is Ms Lee makes everyone talk in hard-nosed 17th century style, real Shakespeare/Pepys English, all the time. Captain Blackbeard sweeps into a room in Carolina wher young Anne is sitting with her dad the Governor, fires a pistol, and shouts:
-Bastards! Stand back, ye son of a harlot. Dost know who I am?
-Aye Sir, thee be Master Ned Teach, known and called the infamous Blackbeard, comes the reply.

My fave is when Mary, still a sailor in the British trade navy and dressed as a man of course, is serving under a brutal captain. She's sentenced to be whipped by the "cat" - nobody says whipped - she doesn't get it and asks one of the other sailors:
-Brother, what be the cat?

:-)