TYWD's 1st 3rd Level Assignment

[ThisYouWillDo]

Same assignment as before, except add the following:

1. It must be a different story.
2. Use the past and active tenses whenever possible and appropriate.
3. Make the reader believe that you are a woman
and use the first person POV.

Harry

This was the second time I had come here. The second time the priest had offered prayers over Harry’s coffin in the middle of the Zentralfriedhof. This was Harry’s second funeral. It’s a miserable thing to have to bury your lover after only a short period together, but it’s unspeakably hard to do it a second time.

Harry’s first funeral had been a trick. He was a fugitive, and he had tried to put the authorities off his scent by feigning his own death. He hadn’t told me what he was doing; I suppose he thought that a genuinely grieving lover would add an element of pathos that would ensure his deceit would work. I don’t know if he would have let me know later. I suppose not.

Harry was a fixer. He could do anything, and, so I discovered, would do anything. I thought he was just a petty criminal who dabbled in the Black Market, selling boots, stockings, cigarettes, and watches to people who wanted them and had the money to pay. He was also a sweet, suave man with a look that could make you melt. He was rakish, always able to make me laugh and feel special. His easy American attitude made you think he had been your friend for life. He understood how people thought, and, more importantly, he understood himself. He was no angel, far from it. But he knew that and accepted it. But now I knew Harry was a serious racketeer and a murderer. He had once said that you had to endure the Borgias to have Michelangelo and the Renaissance as well. Without those extremes, there could only be mediocrity. That doesn’t justify anything, though.

He wasn’t an evil man. At least, not to me. Others thought he was, though, including Holly Martins, the man who wrote cowboy stories and the man who shot Harry dead; his one-time best friend. I can’t justify what Harry did, stealing and selling medicines. All I know is that, people were dying all over Austria without vital drugs. Even doctors had resorted to theft from military stores in order to give them to civilians – and the soldiers turned a blind eye to it. Harry, however, had diluted the penicillin he had stolen with other stuff, and made it lethal. I had to sit and listen to the police as they told me in graphic detail what the consequences were: men with gangrened legs, women in childbirth. And there were children too, they said. They used some of this diluted penicillin against meningitis. The lucky children died. The unlucky ones went off their heads. You can see them now in the mental ward. That was the racket Harry ran, but I didn’t know that at the time. I knew a different Harry, and it is that one I gave myself to. That is the man I was loyal to and would never betray. I don't know if I was really in love with him, or if I still am. How can you know a thing like that afterwards? I don't know anything more except I want to be dead too.

The thing about Harry was, he had money, and for a girl in Vienna after the War, if you found a man like that, you would do anything to keep him. Anything at all. There were so few young men left, and it was up to the women to start rebuilding the city. There was next to no food, accommodation was hard to find, and there was no new clothing to be had: nothing. Life was hard. It was harder still for me. I was in Vienna illegally. I am Czech. If I had been discovered by the authorities, I would have been handed over to the Russians. Luckily for me, Harry fixed my papers for me. He gave me a new name: Anna Schmidt. He heard the Russians were repatriating people like me. He knew the right person straight away for forging stamps. He also managed to get me an acting job in the Josefstadt Theatre. Harry had so many contacts. I was naturally grateful to him, and would willingly have paid any price to keep him.

I gave him my whole self, body and soul together. I wish he could have done the same for me. I cannot complain, though. For Harry, I was willing to give up control of my life, and by doing so I thought I would find some sort of fulfilment.

I never really trusted him, but I depended upon him completely. Without trust, you will get hurt, and I have been. Mentally, emotionally and physically. Harry was not the kind of person who would respect your submission. I gave myself completely to him, and he just accepted it, without thanks, without even acknowledging it. Once I found myself completely in his thrall, I had to work out for myself why I wanted to subject myself to this treatment. I discovered that I have to be able to dedicate myself to one person’s wishes in order to fulfil my own needs. To be totally submissive.

As a lover, Harry was a good man. He made me do things I had never done before. At first I felt ashamed, humiliated and dirty. But I let him have his way out of gratitude and fear of losing him. In time I realised I needed to be treated that way. When he hurt me, I was glad to endure it for his pleasure. And as time passed, I began to want it more and more. Harry was not interested in exploring my feelings, just in sating his own needs, but, when alone, I would think about them and slowly work them out. Gradually I realised I had become Harry’s property and that my role in life was to belong to him. Knowing that made things easier to understand, and giving Harry control over me gave me deep pleasure.

I could have hoped for someone who would listen to me more when I felt uncomfortable about something, but that was not to be. I knew that once I accepted this role as a submissive, I had to be whatever Harry wanted me to be for his pleasure, and that mine would come from serving him. Meanwhile, Harry protected me and took care of my needs, not as a quid pro quo, but simply because he wanted to. At least, he did until he had to fake his disappearance by “dying”. I found his power over me to be overwhelming.

They told me that Harry had been killed in a street accident - he was run over outside his own apartment in Stiftgaße by a passing vehicle as he stepped from the pavement. I didn’t get a chance to see his body. Then, later, they told me he wasn’t dead after all. I could barely take it in. That British Army officer – Major Calloway – he told me he was still alive. Apparently Holly Martins had seen him, but Harry gave him the slip. Now Calloway wanted me to help find Harry. He implied that while I was helping him, he would keep me out of the hands of the Russians, who now knew about me. How could I help? I knew less than he did!

Calloway turned Holly Martins, though. That weak, aimless man! Head filled with pious notions about honesty, but he couldn’t even be honest with the man he called his best friend. He had the nerve to tell me he had fallen in love with me! Anyway, Holly agreed to lure Harry into a trap if Calloway would arrange for me to be taken safely out of Vienna. As soon as I realised he had struck a deal I told him that if he wanted to sell his services, I wasn’t willing to be the price. He went ahead and trapped him anyway. And it was Holly, of all people, who shot him. Maybe it was to save Harry from the hangman – to give him some dignity in death, but I don’t think so. And I don’t care. I despise the man.

(With acknowledgements to Graham Greene's, The Third Man.)

[ThisYouWillDo]

Bump!

[ladychipmunk]

Hey TYWD,

This story feels kind of 30's Cinema Noire to me. She seems kind of detached a ittle dispassionate. I am a little confused in the last two paragraphs though. Who is Holly Martins? Also all the pronoun he in the last paragraph is a little ambiguous.

They told me that Harry had been killed in a street accident - he was run over outside his own apartment in Stiftgaße by a passing vehicle as he stepped from the pavement. I didn’t get a chance to see his body. Then, later, they told me he wasn’t dead after all. I could barely take it in. That British Army officer – Major Calloway – he told me he was still alive. Apparently Holly Martins had seen him, but Harry gave him the slip. Now Calloway wanted me to help find Harry. He implied that while I was helping him, he would keep me out of the hands of the Russians, who now knew about me. How could I help? I knew less than he did!

Calloway turned Holly Martins, though. That weak, aimless man! Head filled with pious notions about honesty, but he couldn’t even be honest with the man he called his best friend. He (Holly or Calloway?) had the nerve to tell me he had fallen in love with me! Anyway, Holly agreed to lure Harry into a trap if Calloway would arrange for me to be taken safely out of Vienna. As soon as I realised he (Again Holly or Calloway?)had struck a deal I told him that if he(same comment ) wanted to sell his services, I wasn’t willing to be the price. He went ahead and trapped him anyway. And it was Holly, of all people, who shot him. Maybe it was to save Harry from the hangman – to give him some dignity in death, but I don’t think so. And I don’t care. I despise the man.

Other than those brief gripes . No obvious grammer nits I can find

[ThisYouWillDo]

Hi ladyc.

Thanks for reading this and for your comments

"The Third Man" (1949) A film set in post war Vienna at the time it was occupied by French, British, Russian and American forces. Harry Lime was an American racketeer, Anna Schmidt, his girlfriend/lover. Holly Martins was Harry's best friend from childhood, but they had gone their separate ways - until now.

You say Anna is detached and dispassionate. Here's what Screenonline says:

Anna undergoes a transformation in The Third Man. At first she's fragile and full of sorrow. She speaks in a murmur and sometimes shrinks to the edges of scenes, as if trying to avoid scrutiny ... She has lost hope because she thinks Harry's dead ...

Yet when she realises Harry is alive, and that Holly poses a threat to him, she suddenly becomes an active, wilful character. "He's alive - now this minute he's doing something," she says to Calloway in a whisper, nearly dumbfounded by the news. She becomes like a femme fatale, to the extent that she instigates action, refusing to be dictated to. Now she follows her own rules defiantly. She rips up the new papers Holly has arranged for her once she realises they're the price he has demanded in order to set up Harry for capture. She even tosses away the coat Holly gives her to keep warm. And later she bursts into the café where Holly has lured Harry, warning him off before he can be ambushed (and, incidentally, getting in between the two men so Harry cannot shoot the gun he holds).

I hope I have managed to reflect some of that, including her femininity (as that is the point of this exercise).

I agree about the confusion between Calloway and Martins at the end, I will amend that. Thank-you for pointing it out: I knew what I meant and it didn't occur to me that it was ambiguous!

TYWD

[Nikita]

tywd,

I'm going to read this today as I'll be tied up for a couple of days. :

Nikita

[ThisYouWillDo]

Hi Nikita

You can read in your gimp mask?

Looking forward to hearing from you on your release

TYWD

[tessa]

I totally bought into the woman POV you presented. You did this one quite well!

Umm, not like any of your others weren't done well.

tessa

[Nikita]

Very well written TYWD.

I read it several times. There wasn't much to improve on. The dialogue sounded like Brit speak. The notations are things for you to consider.

Harry

This was the second time I had come here. The second time the priest had offered prayers over Harry’s coffin in the middle of the Zentralfriedhof. This was Harry’s second funeral. It’s a miserable thing to have to bury your lover after only a short period together, but it’s unspeakably hard to do it a second time. I got that it was the second time. :

Harry’s first funeral had been a trick. He was a fugitive, and he had tried to put the authorities off his scent by feigning his own death. He hadn’t told me what he was doing; I suppose he thought that a genuinely grieving lover would add an element of pathos that would ensure his deceit would work. I don’t know if he would have let me know later. I suppose not. This is nitty...sorry. Not a big deal, but...

Harry was a fixer. He could do anything, and, so I discovered, would do anything. I thought he was just a petty criminal who dabbled in the Black Market, selling boots, stockings, cigarettes, and watches to people who wanted them and had the money to pay. He was also a sweet, suave man with a look that could make you melt. He was rakish, always able to make me laugh and feel special. His easy American attitude made you think he had been your friend for life. He understood how people thought, and, more importantly, he understood himself. He was no angel, far from it. But he knew that and accepted it. But now I knew Harry was a serious racketeer and a murderer. He had once said that you had to endure the Borgias to have Michelangelo and the Renaissance as well. Without those extremes, there could only be mediocrity. That doesn’t justify anything, though.

This is excellent description of the 'human' Harry, even though it is not too flattering...just excellent.

He wasn’t an evil man. At least, not to me. Others thought he was, though, including Holly Martins, the man who wrote cowboy stories and the man who - don't need this phrase shot Harry dead; his one-time best friend.

I can’t justify what Harry did, stealing and selling medicines. All I know is that, people were dying all over Austria without vital drugs. Even doctors had resorted to theft from military stores in order to give them to civilians – and the soldiers turned a blind eye to it.

Harry, however, it doesn't sound right with this sentence. had diluted the penicillin he had stolen with other stuff, and made it lethal. I had to sit and listen to the police as they told me in graphic detail what the consequences were: men with gangrened legs, women in childbirth. , Aand there were children too, they said. They used some of this diluted penicillin against meningitis. The lucky children died. The unlucky ones went off their heads. You can see them now in the mental ward.

Contrast this agains the discription of him above, this is the horrible side of Harry...truly dark. Great writing.

That was the racket Harry ran, but I didn’t know that it at the time. I knew a different Harry, and it is that the one I gave myself to,. That is the man I was loyal to and would never betray. I don't know if I was really in love with him, or if I still am. How can you know a thing like that afterwards? I don't know anything more except I want to be dead too.

The thing about Harry was, he had money, and for a girl in Vienna after the War, if you found a man like that, you would do anything to keep him. , Aanything at all.

There were so few young men left, and that it was up to the women to start rebuilding the city. There was next to no food, accommodations were was hard to find, and there was no nor new clothing to be had: nothing.

Life was hard. It was harder still for me. because I was in Vienna illegally. I am Czech. If I had been discovered by the authorities, I would have been handed over to the Russians. Luckily for me, Harry fixed my papers. for me. He and gave me a new name: Anna Schmidt. He heard the Russians were repatriating people like me. Harry had so many contacts. He knew the right person straight away for forging stamps. He also managed to get me an acting job in the Josefstadt Theatre. Harry had so many contacts. moved to above I was Naturally, I was grateful to him, and would willingly have paid any price to keep him.

I gave him my whole self, body and soul together. I wish he could have done the same for me. I cannot complain, though. For Harry, I was willing to give up control of my life, and by doing so, comma needed I thought I would find some sort of fulfilment.

I never really trusted him, but I depended upon him completely. I can't help but think this statement doesn't agree with the next one. She was willingly or knowingly naive? or self-contradictory? Without trust, you will get hurt, and as I have been. ; Mmentally, emotionally, and physically.

Harry was not the kind of person who would respect your submission. I gave myself completely to him, and he just accepted it, without thanks, without even acknowledging it. Once I found myself completely in his thrall, I had to work out for myself why I wanted to be subjected myself to this treatment. I discovered that I have to be able had to dedicate myself to one person’s his wishes in order to fulfil my own needs. In other words, I had to be totally submissive.

(This paragraph below should be above somewhere)
As a lover, Harry was a good man. (Was he good at it, or was it good that he MADE her do things she hadn't done before?) He made me do things I had never done before. At first I felt ashamed, humiliated and dirty. But I let him have his way out of gratitude and fear of losing him. In time, I realised I needed to be treated that way.

Below is another good monologue on how she came to realize her submission.

When he hurt me, I was glad to endure it for his pleasure. And as time passed, I began to want it more and more. Harry was not interested in exploring my feelings, just in sating his own needs, but, when alone, I would think about them and slowly work them out. Gradually I realised I had become Harry’s property and that my role in life was to belong to him. Knowing that made things easier to understand, and giving Harry control over me gave me deep pleasure.

I could have hoped wished for someone who would listen to me more when I felt uncomfortable about something, but that was not to be. I knew that once I accepted this role as a submissive, I had to be whatever Harry wanted me to be for his pleasure, and that mine would come from serving him. Meanwhile, Harry protected me and took care of my needs, not as a quid pro quo, but simply because he wanted to. At least, he did until he had to fake his disappearance by “dying”. I found his power over me to be overwhelming. (Why is this sentence here? Wouldn't it be more appropriate to be in one of the two paragraphs above?)

They told me that Harry had been killed in a street accident - he was run over outside his own apartment in Stiftgaße by a passing vehicle as he stepped from the pavement. I didn’t get a chance to see his body. Then, later, they told me he wasn’t dead after all. I could barely take it in. That Then, the British Army officer – Major Calloway – he told me he was still alive. Later, Apparently Holly Martins had seen him, but Harry gave him the slip. Now, Major Calloway wanted me to help find Harry. He implied and implied that while I was helping him, he would keep me I'd be kept safe from out of the hands of the Russians, who now knew about me. How could I help? I knew less than he did!

Calloway turned that weak, aimless man, Holly Martins, though, That weak, aimless man! whose head filled was filled with pious notions about honesty. Why, but he couldn’t even be honest with the man he called his best friend!. He had the nerve to tell me he had fallen in love with me!

Anyway, Holly agreed to lure Harry into a trap if the Major Calloway would arrange for me to be taken safely out of Vienna. As soon as I realised he had struck a deal I told him that if he wanted to sell his services, I wasn’t willing to be the price. This sentence in red could be clearer. He went ahead and trapped him Harry anyway. How did he trap him if he shot him?

And it was Holly, of all people, who shot him. Maybe it was to save Harry from the hangman – to give him some dignity in death, but I don’t think so. And I don’t care. I despise the man - Which man, Holly or Harry?

It was a very good read. Reminded me of John LeCarre. I don't usually go into such detailed comments, but, I did, in case you are considering going further with it, or saving it for a bigger project.

[ThisYouWillDo]

Thank-you for reading this Nikita.

I am revising the piece, taking into account your comments and those of ladyc. Some I find hard to make, as I don't really agree , but am prepared to accept; others were particularly helpful. Thanks.

A few I have rejected, on grounds of style or lingusitic differences (British English v American English).

I assume red text replaces blue.

As noted above, this piece is adapted from the film The Third Man . I have tried to present Anna Schmidt's point of view of the story. A quick summary of the film is: Holly Martins arrives in occupied Vienna to meet his one time best friend, Harry Lime, who now lives there. When he arrives, he is warned to leave by Major Caooloway of the British authorities, who says Lime is a wanted man. Martins decides to visit Lime anyway, but as he reaches hi apartment, he learns that Lime was killed recently by a passing truck. Martins attends the funeral, and notices Anna Schmidt, who, on enquiry, Martins discovers to be Lime's lover. Martins also uncovers a number of inconsistencies in the various accounts of Lime's death, and decides to talk to Anna to get her version - assuming she would know everything. She doesn't know much more than Martins, however, and feels alone in a dangerous and unfriendly city. At about this time, it is discovered she is there on forged papers, and the Russians begin to take an interest in her.

Martins then runs into Lime, as he appears to be trying to contact Anna. Lime eludes Martins without speaking to him. Martins informs the authorities and they discover that Lime has been using Vienna's massive system of sewer tunnels to escape. At this point Calloway shows Martins the dossier of Lime's activities and asks Martins to help trap him. Martins reluctantly agrees provided Calloway helps Anna to get out of Vienna. He has fallen for her big time. She, on the other hand wouldn't even have been able to say if Martins had a moustache or not.

Martins sends a message to Lime asking to meet. They meet on the Reisenrad - the famous big wheel in Vienna's Prater Park where Lime reveals himself to be a heartless and callous racketeer, and makes the famous "cuckoo-clock" speech (see below). Martins decides he has to be stopped and sets up a trap for Lime, with the help of Major Calloway.

Lime is lured into a cafe to meet Martins again, but Anna burst in to warn Lime that it is a trap. Lime escapes and flees down into the sewers, but the police anticipate this and chase him through the tunnels. Martins accompanies them. When Lime is trapped, he shoots a British soldier dead, and Calloway wounds Lime. Martins pursues Lime and traps him. The wounded Lime, unable to escape, nods to Martins, as if to give him permission to kill him. Martins then does so.

As Anna leaves Lime's real funeral, she has to walk down a long avenue in the Zentralfriedhof. This is an important scene in the film, as she completely cuts Martins dead when she walks past him. I have tried to imagine what might have been going on in her head during that long walk.


The passage you praised as "truly dark", men with gangrened legs, women in childbirth ... You can see them now in the mental ward. was a direct quote and I cannot accept your praise.

Other significant quotes and allusions are:

I thought he was just a petty criminal who dabbled in the Black Market, selling boots, stockings, cigarettes, and watches to people who wanted them and had the money to pay.

He had once said that you had to endure the Borgias to have Michelangelo and the Renaissance as well. Without those extremes, there could only be mediocrity. (the actual quote, which is very famous, was: "In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed — they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.")

I don't know if I was really in love with him, or if I still am. How can you know a thing like that afterwards? I don't know anything more except I want to be dead too.

... if he wanted to sell his services, I wasn’t willing to be the price ...

As this is an adaptation, I do not think I can be accused of plagiarism: they quotations are necessary to link to the original story. You will note I gave an acknowledgement at the end of my story.

I will post my revision ASAP



TYWD

[Nikita]

Last night, Ruby and I talked about your recent post, specifically this quote below

As this is an adaptation, I do not think I can be accused of plagiarism: they quotations are necessary to link to the original story. You will note I gave an acknowledgment at the end of my story.

As she is more up to date on this type of thing, I will leave it up to her to respond. I'm looking forward to a re-write AND I want to know what comments you rejected and why, just so I can better understand where you are coming from.

[Mad Lews]

Dearest TYWD,
I fear this may be a slightly problematic interpretation of the assignment. While you have done a modification of the 40's screenplay it is not an original story. Part of the assignment is developing a feminine POV which you did well and the 40's film noire was quite believable.
however...

I do think you might have been better served by developing your own characters and plot. I realize you are not claiming credit for the story and are crediting the original work for your inspiration. This is all to the good but we are talking about creative writing here and I think you might want too consider a different story line.
Yours
Mad Lews

[ThisYouWillDo]

DAMMIT!!! I was quite proud of that. I considered it original too: who in the 40's would have dared make Anna a pain slut? Oh well. The work is dumped. Maybe a moderator will delete this thread and I'll start all over again.

Now let's see ... a story about a female that has never been told before ... hmm ...

TYWD

[Nikita]

~bump~

[ThisYouWillDo]

Sorry, Nikita, I felt it best to abandon this. Character not an original creation of mine; storyline possibly plagiarised ... Hope my next try succeeds where this failed.

Thanks for your input though

@}'---

TYWD