BDSM at first sight

[Isabelle90]

I was recently on vacation and caught sight of hundreds, if not thousands, of people from several states and even several different countries. There was so much diversity in terms of culture and proximity, it made me wonder whether or not someone living this lifestyle could be recognized by simply passing by.

Would any of you be able to tell by just observing a person without speaking to them?

So many people claim to be so-called rebels, but only a small percentage are truly nonconforming. With this in mind, could we really be able to point out a fellow "lifestyler"?

Extremely curious,
Isabelle

[annie]

I believe I could. But it would entirely depend on how the couple behaves in public. The subtle signs. Of course there could be just as many times I would think I could that I would be wrong as well I'm sure... lol.

[newby]

Good question. i am wearing leather & cuffs, etc to a halloween party my Man & i are attending. We wont be there together & none of our friends even know we are a couple. i was wondering if people will look at me & think "naughty costume" or "lifestyle".

[Isabelle90]

But it would entirely depend on how the couple behaves in public. The subtle signs.

What would you expect to see? What if it is not a couple and just an individual?

Just because a person is dressed Goth, I don't think it would be a fair assessment to assume they are into the lifestyle. Do you know what I mean?

[Euryleia]

Good question--I'm not sure there is the equivalent of 'gaydar' for the bdsm crowd. A lot is in the interaction--does one drop their eyes or not, are they holding hands or is one of them holding the other, is only one fetching/carrying things.

So much of how we identify each other is in context. Out in the big bad world, without our accoutrements, it is really hard to tell us all apart.

[Isabelle90]

So after a time can we expect to acquire "bondar" "domdar" or "subdar"? lol

This is all so new to me, and I have so little experience! I guess it's good to have this community for support and wisdom.

[Flaming_Redhead]

Nope....not in a million years. When I see someone wearing a collar or choker, I assume that they are Goth and have absolutely no idea what it means. Someone wearing leather is probably a motocycle rider and nothing more. If you saw me and my dom at Longhorn, you'd see him buttering and serving me the brown bread. I wear a sterling silver collar and had an older lady at the nail salon comment that it was a "true" collar necklace and quite beautiful. I wondered if she knew....

[annie]

Good question. i am wearing leather & cuffs, etc to a halloween party my Man & i are attending. We wont be there together & none of our friends even know we are a couple. i was wondering if people will look at me & think "naughty costume" or "lifestyle".

Well since I'm in the "lifestyle" I would probably make a smart remark about it just to see your reaction to try and help me determine if you were or weren't. Basically unless you are in involved in it all ready I personally don't think anyone would think anything of it other then a costume.

[annie]

What would you expect to see? What if it is not a couple and just an individual?

Just because a person is dressed Goth, I don't think it would be a fair assessment to assume they are into the lifestyle. Do you know what I mean?

Honestly, when I responded I wasn't thinking a thing about dress, etc. What I was thinking of was the subtle signs. One couple for example he ALWAYS holds the door, ALWAYS orders for her, etc., even in public. Seeing one of those by themselves I might think, "oh what a polite gentleman." Seeing several of those types of behaviors though would certainly mark them in mind as being a D/s couple. Or would at least make me wonder.

If you were to add to that her wearing a collar, Him touching her in a certain fashion, etc. that would be an even larger signal.

As I said, would depend on the couple. As far as a single person... much harder to determine and probably not as possible, at least not for me.

(All of this is of course assuming I am ACTUALLY paying attention and not distracted beyond belief... lol)

[Stone]

Hard to say i would say depends on the people

[Sir_Russell]

I think I couldn't without a outward sign meant to tell the informed that they were. I have spotted collars on ladies that others would think of jewelry accept that they are sold as collars. Listening to people gives a better clue. I hear the term Sir uttered and a knowing smile comes to my lips. He calls her little one and she blushes.

[newby]

i'm southern...i call everybody Sir

[Sir_Russell]

Not the way you would call your Dom though I bet

[Naomisagoodgirl]

My master has fantastic subdar. He spotted me out in a bar. Not that he was completely sure but he had a hunch. He's spotted a couple other people out as well. I on the other hand have no clue, even with couples. One couple I know turned out to be D/s. I was friends with them for 2 years and didn't know until they told me. I guess I'm just not as attuned, or don't pay good enough attention.

[Alex Bragi]

Good question, Isabelle90.

Well, I know a couple who certainly could be mistaken for a Dom and sub, but really they're not, he's just an overbearing pain the ass and she simpy puts up with him; I really do believe that men like him and doms are poles appart.

On the other hand, something really odd happened to me and my other half while we were out one evening a while back, this ("normal looking") couple started talking to us and telling us all about their extremely alternative sex life-- can you believe it? Anyway, while we do engage in a few odd sexual practices--both literally and figuratively *gg* --I wouldn't have said there was anything about our appearance or dress to single us out from any other couple.

So, I really don't know.

[waterlily]

I'd imagine it depends on how "out" they are, you know? I mean, someone decked out in black leather and chains is likely to be into BDSM. Then again, they could be just be making a fashion statement. I think it's probably more likely you'd be able to tell if someone was a Dom or a sub, especially a Dom - probably more direct and... um... commanding, you know. Or something

Actually, since I started exploring this I've been playing a little game with myself, looking at a crowd and thinking "1 person in 10 is into BDSM, so there are probably 3 (or 4, or 50) people here who are actively into "the life"". And then I smile.

So after a time can we expect to acquire "bondar" "domdar" or "subdar"? lol

That made me laugh. Very hard

[Whippett]

the little things - the way they talk (especially the forms of address) - sometimes the way a couple look at each other or watch each other. Clothing isn't that big a clue any more - a real collar is a dead give-away of course - but leather is everywhere and too many use it as a fashion statement (clothing as well as collars) for it to be a clear sign. There are symbols people use - the real triskele is a good indication - especially if they know what it means - and there are some symbols that have been used (more in Europe) to indicate status (Dom/Domme, slave, available slave) and the like.

And yes - The Look - lol (and sometimes the slight tremble in the sub's knees as she wonders if she ought to drop to her knees right then and there when The Look is meant for her).

But most people are pretty subtle and not obvious , but I'd be willing to bet that most D/s couples in public send out subtle clues all the time. Individuals are harder to identify - but again - sometimes the clues all string together.

[Euryleia]

I don't know whether it has anything to do with the leather scene being integrated into a lot of the gay/lesbian social scene but there does seem to be a little more openness in the LGBT community to the 'little signs' and I'm not just talking about bringing your date to functions on a leash.

I think delia is right that you can develop a sort of gaydar for D/s over time. Of course, the amount of time that is invested in developing your skills at detection is in direct proportion to how hard you are looking for someone to play with--I know when I'm happy and settled, I'm oblivious to the signs but am quite keen when single and alone.

I had to evacuate from New Orleans (a very open and welcoming city) following Hurricane Katrina to a small town in southern Alabama. Once there, I was desperate for any sign or symbol of alternative sexuality. I was almost giddy one afternoon when I spied the trinity bdsm symbol as a static cling sticker on a car. Had I not been out with my Mother, I would have camped out by the car until the owners returned.

[crazy_grrluk]

Interesting........

I have an uncanny eye for detail...I tend to notice things that others dont so I can spot a "lifestyler" miles away.
The way they present themselves.....the way they talk to each other and to others...body language.
They dont have to be wearing a collar of sorts or dress a certain way for me to tell.

cg

[WyldWyl]

Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. I find it harder with couples- for example, I met a girl at a party a while back and within 2 minutes of conversation had picked her (correctly) as a sub. But I met a couple recently who I'd never in a million years have thought were D/s had my Dom not introduced me to them.

So, I guess the moral is sometimes you can, and sometimes you can't. But it probably gets easier with practice.