What is your safety word and what control does the dom have? (explained more inside)

[Guest020109]

ok the first question is pretty simple, what is your safety word? I ask because master and I needed one but the best we could do is kiwi, i was curoius what others use

my second question is how much control does the dom have in the relationship, like does your punishment come in a certain way? Like in this one story i read over at adultfanfiction.net this couple is in BDSM and every time the sub does something wrong or breaks her master's rules he writes down a punishment in a notebook and she must copy and sign, but if she doesn't agree she can come to a compromise, anywayz you should check it out, it's a great story but thats off topic. My master has a point system. i start off at 0 and i have to earn points and i get rewarded, but if i misbehave i get negative points and bad things will happen or so i am told. So does any one else have something like that in their relationship?

does the question make any sense at all?

[~faerie~]

I am His slave and i don't have any rights other than what He gives me. However i am allowed a safeword during play. I use His middle name. When i am punished there is no safe word.
As for the punishments...
i have a set of rules to follow. They are very concise. The punishments are based on the severity of the rule that i broke and how fast i owned up to it.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I used to use the "stoplight" system for my safeword. When things were getting too heavy for me I would say "yellow" so Master would slow down. And I would use "red" when I wanted Him to stop immediately. For some reason I just didn't like that system. So W/we changed my safewords. Now when I want Him to slow down I will say the word "pity" or something like, "Please have pity on me, Master." If I need Him to stop immediately, I will say, "Mercy" or something like "Mercy, Master, mercy."
Master doesn't really have a long list of rules for me. He can be pretty lenient and lets me get away with things. But when He deems that I need to be punished He does it right then and there. It could be anything from a spanking to making me sit and not say a word to doing a chore that I hate. It all depends on the circumstance and His mood.

[silverfoot6]

i loved that sister honey 61. i hope you don't mind me using those safe words. my sub and i were in search of just such words. thanks

[crazy_grrluk]

a very very very long time ago before S1 came into my life my safeword was "safe" because it was the ony word I could remember lol

I dont have a safe word anymore as I am Master's slave and Master is always in verbal contact during play... always asking if I am ok. He looks for changes in my body language.

cg

[Guest020109]

yeah the stoplight system is ok but i like safety words better. My master is pretty lenient as well, for now we will see.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

i loved that sister honey 61. i hope you don't mind me using those safe words. my sub and i were in search of just such words. thanks

Not at all, Silver, Sir. I actually got the safewords from the book "Erotic Surrender" by Claudia Varrin. I thought they were more romantic than the stoplight system. I think that if I were playing casually with others, I'd still use the stoplight system. I just didn't like using them with a Master I'm involved with emotionally/physically in a one-on-one relationship.

[icey]

ok the first question is pretty simple, what is your safety word? I ask because master and I needed one but the best we could do is kiwi, i was curoius what others use

we came to agreement some time ago that i gave up my safeword (my wishes) we have been together and played together long enough for me to know that he would never do anything i couldnt take.
we did have the traffic light system in place originally,evey so often when things were getting further he would ask which colour it was green for continue,amber for continue but im nearing my limits.
but i had a safeword,which was i choose to stop, he chose this one because it is something i had to think about and state clearly rather than just shout it out in the heat of things.
as a rule its been Icehawk that has decided when to stop as it doesnt always register for me when ive 'had enough' he's the one who takes responsibility in that area.
although if i did feel i needed to use it then i still could and he would ALWAYS respect that stop immediately and then we would discuss why and use it for future reference.
ive never needed to use mine in play,the only time ive used it was during a punishment! right while he was dishing out the crop strokes i started with a stomach bug lol

my second question is how much control does the dom have in the relationship, like does your punishment come in a certain way? Like in this one story i read over at adultfanfiction.net this couple is in BDSM and every time the sub does something wrong or breaks her master's rules he writes down a punishment in a notebook and she must copy and sign, but if she doesn't agree she can come to a compromise, anywayz you should check it out, it's a great story but thats off topic. My master has a point system. i start off at 0 and i have to earn points and i get rewarded, but if i misbehave i get negative points and bad things will happen or so i am told. So does any one else have something like that in their relationship?

does the question make any sense at all?

Icehawk without fail before any punishment determines quite clearly if i am prepared to accept it and understand fully the reasons why so there's no confusion afterwards, as well as protecting my well being he has to protect his this might sound odd to some but it works for us,
punishment can be an emotional minefield and all partys need to be fully 'prepared' mentally
if someone hasnt 'consented' or are not sure as to why then its no longer punishment but almost form of abuse whether that be a physical or non physical punishment.

sounds quite farfetched but in reality if i do something he doesnt like and feels it needs correcting then if im genuinely unsure as to what ive done wrong and why im to be punished then it would be very confusing.

as an eg on a mornings as i didnt want to disturb him id get up prepare his coffee for later and leave him to sleep,Icehawk told me he wasnt happy that i wasnt waking him and he didnt want to be shouting down the stairs for it.
i thought i was being considerate and doing the right thing...he thought otherwise, he didnt punish me and he understood my reasons but if he had done and without explanation i would have would have been very hurt and not had a clue what id done to deserve it and would have caused a lot of confusion!

its a fine line i guess ...some might argue i have control because i have to consent to punishment but really he actually has the control because those are HIS rules.

[lily27]

Just don't put too much value in safewords. We use the stoplight system as well, but mostly we just communicate during play. He can read my bodylanguage and the tone in my voice to guage exactly where I am.

And I don't always think of my safeword. Being pregnant, my current issue is nausea. And when it hits I don't think "red" I think "I am gonna be sick!!!" so that is what I say. Master then proceeds to get out of the way!

I am not saying that safewords don't have their place, they just aren't the be-all and end-all either.

[Guest020109]

congrats lily!

when i get punished i know why i usually admit what i have done wrong.Not being honest gets me in bigger trouble. Master and I have safe word cause we have been dating for 6 months and recently got into a BDSM relationship so we are trying to figure things out.

[Logic1]

And I don't always think of my safeword. Being pregnant, my current issue is nausea. And when it hits I don't think "red" I think "I am gonna be sick!!!" so that is what I say. Master then proceeds to get out of the way!

I am not saying that safewords don't have their place, they just aren't the be-all and end-all either.

lol
better watch out for the pregnant woman

personally I dont put too much weight in safewords either. I have one for my girl but she never had to use it so far and I dont really intend for her to really need to either.

[DowntownAmber]

Heh heh heh, clearly I'm quite dull as my safeword is simply "stop." Communication is very good between J-Go and myself during a session so I've never had to use the word as an actual sefety measure, but I'm still glad we have one -- circumstances in how one feels physically or even mentally can chinge in a split second in an intense session and a safeword is one more way to protect against something genuinely harmful taking place.

As for the second part of the question, Master and I are still quite new to The Lifestyle so the level of control He has in the relationship is still evolving. Simply, we're figuring out what works for us. Punishments vary as we experiment with different methods but, as others have said, the key is understanding what the punishment is for and proper corrective measures. There needs to be a split between what is metered out as punishment, and things you do for pleasure.

[gemmy]

....as a rule its been Icehawk that has decided when to stop as it doesnt always register for me when ive 'had enough' he's the one who takes responsibility in that area...

i'm glad to see you state that here icey hun, many subs when in the throw of things, with endorphins flooding them may not register everything properly and it is up to their Dominant to be mindful of the state she is in or entering. Also, as the core in a submissive is to please, she may be passing her limits but won't use a safeword in fear of disappointing Him.

Icehawk without fail before any punishment determines quite clearly if i am prepared to accept it and understand fully the reasons why so there's no confusion afterwards, as well as protecting my well being he has to protect his this might sound odd to some but it works for us,
punishment can be an emotional minefield and all partys need to be fully 'prepared' mentally
if someone hasnt 'consented' or are not sure as to why then its no longer punishment but almost form of abuse whether that be a physical or non physical punishment.

sounds quite farfetched but in reality if i do something he doesnt like and feels it needs correcting then if im genuinely unsure as to what ive done wrong and why im to be punished then it would be very confusing.

as an eg on a mornings as i didnt want to disturb him id get up prepare his coffee for later and leave him to sleep,Icehawk told me he wasnt happy that i wasnt waking him and he didnt want to be shouting down the stairs for it.
i thought i was being considerate and doing the right thing...he thought otherwise, he didnt punish me and he understood my reasons but if he had done and without explanation i would have would have been very hurt and not had a clue what id done to deserve it and would have caused a lot of confusion!

its a fine line i guess ...some might argue i have control because i have to consent to punishment but really he actually has the control because those are HIS rules.

*applauds* i love this really and it's the first time i've seen it said, thank you hun

[Phantome]

My husband's and my safety word (although we have never had to use it because we maintain constant communication) is "Oklahoma."

As far as the power of D/s in our relationship, our BDSM lifestyle is very casual, and we don't live it in everyday life at all- it is pretty much just a sexual thing. Scenes, punishments, and BDSM erotica are administered/participated in at whim, when the mood strikes us. As for who holds the power, we are switches, so we pretty much have an equal balance of power.

[Sir_Russell]

A quick warning about the use of safe words is simple they frequently don't work.

I am not implying that the Dom ignores them, because if he does he is not a Dom but an abuser, but that the submissive is no longer feeling any pain. This can be very dangerous to the submissive if she isn't being watched carefully by a skilled Dominant. Nothing will replace an aware Dominant being sure she is safe and not beyond a point that tomorrow will be very unpleasant to her.

I say this because I love putting her in positions that are at least uncomfortable and then seeing how many climaxes I can bring her too while she is like that and how much pain can be converted into pleasure. I have gone beyond once or twice with the belief that she will use her safeword and that never happened and yes the next day to week she paid the price for my belief in that.