Seeking advice from experienced author

[cheeseburger]

I'm a relatively new writer; so far I am working on one story (its called 'Iniquity' if you want to look at it).

My problem is this; the story is entirely in 1st person, from the view of the sub. I am against annoying 'time skips' where the author conveniantly skips any part s/he doesn't want to write about. On the other hand, I have trouble making the story flow, all my chapters seem like they happened in about 5 minutes, when theyre supposed to cover hours.

Any advice?

[Ozme52]

I'd have to take a look to see what you mean. Where is it... or PM it to me. I'm sure there are others who will also help.

[cheeseburger]

Heres a link to the story: http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/stories/s...p?storyid=4402

Thanks for all the help.

[Nikita]

Say cheese! *gg*

I took a brief look at your story and noted the other reviewer's remarks, specifically, the jumping around. I think you know what I mean.

You might try one or two transitional sentences to get the reader from, say, inside the court house to the crowd outside.

Just my opinion.

[Qmoq]

Hi cheesey, the time skips thing is really hard to do, so don't beat yourself up about it. We've all read fine, fine stories where there's a rapid spanking that turns into a fucking that turns into a fisting, and then the passage ends with "... and he kept doing that to me all night."

My advice would be: don't write yourself into a corner. I've half-written many stories myself that are intended to involve training over weeks and months, yet which fizzled out after a day or two... because you can do a lot in a day or two. Hehe. For a long while, I only wrote stories that lasted for an evening, and even with that limitation, some of those were pretty long.

So, if there's a punishment scene (for instance), don't say that it's going to last for a week when you only have a day's worth of juicy material (four or five little scenes, perhaps, dotted throughout the day). I'm sure you can make that day pretty torrid.

Good luck. The world needs more perverts who want to write better.

Q

[cheeseburger]

Hehe, thanks for the answers. About the skips; i limited that to the prologue, since it wasn't working well. the only chapters I have are just written in two parts, one from the perspective of both subs. (if that confuses you...)

And qmoq, I'm really starting to get what you mean by that, there is a lot you can fit in one day

Watch; as I continue writing the story i'll be a total whore to those '...'s. lol.

but did anyone feel like the second part lasted about 10 minutes? re-reading it, it seems so... short? I'm working on the third part, and i'm already starting to add little "an hour later" sentences. :x

[Ruby]

but did anyone feel like the second part lasted about 10 minutes? re-reading it, it seems so... short? I'm working on the third part, and i'm already starting to add little "an hour later" sentences. :x

This advice is not just for cheeseburger:

The other thing that will help is if you have your story teller "slow down". Use all of her senses. What is she thinking, feeling, smelling, tasting, fearing, wanting...etc.?

You can insert cock A into slut B
or you can describe the moment in great detail.

For example:

You wrote, "The only sounds in the room were my own heavy breathing, and the sound of the blond working to pull my legs out of my pants. This was completely insane."

Lines like this are great to show passing of time, the unreality of the situation, change in tempo and her feelings. They are a "pause", where time slows down to this one moment and it can be examined or written about in great detail.

Please tell us: (that is your character)
What did the blond look like?
What was the expression on her face?
Were her hands warm or cold?
How did your body react?
How did you want to react?
How did the men react?
What did you smell?
Feel?

Another trick. Short sentences speed things up.

Long sentences, with lots of information, tend to slow down the pace and let you leisurely play with the characters. Picking which type of sentences will help you set the pace for each scene.

[Okay, Cheeseburger, I wrote the above after just reading 1 and 2. Am now on 3 and you've really got the hang of it.
Keep up the great work and write on!]

Watch how you start your sentences.

When
As
After
Before
He ...
She ...

Check to see if you have a favorite word/phrase that you are overusing and find an alternative. Or if you are using the same phrase repeatedly within a group of sentences and then switching to another, mix them up.

";" is not a period. In most every place you've put a ";" to string a bunch of short sentences together, use periods and make those sentences stand on their own. They are more powerful that way.

[Rabbit1]

Great advise Ruby ---that is my suggestion also ---describe in detail ---use all 5 senses----Make the reader feel and see and taste what your subjects are doing ---and where they are.

[cheeseburger]

to see if you have a favorite word/phrase that you are overusing and find an alternative. Or if you are using the same phrase repeatedly within a group of sentences and then switching to another, mix them up.

I actually do this, a lot. It's something I need to work on. a lot.

";" is not a period. In most every place you've put a ";" to string a bunch of short sentences together, use periods and make those sentences stand on their own. They are more powerful that way.

I have this addiction to the ';' sign. Once you start, you can't go without using it. Yet another bad habbit I need to work on.

I'm actually taking a 2-week break from writing to focus on my finals... after I should have more time to keep writing. Thanks for the respone! And again, feel free to criticize my writing; I know it is far from perfect.

[her_Joe]

Thanks for letting me read your story, CB. My take is a little different from the others, just because there's no need to repeat the good advice you have received.

Something else to consider is your point of view. First person, though it falls neatly to hand when you begin to write, is actually a difficult pov to handle -- in first person, the speaker can only say what s/he actually experiences, thinks, or imagines. And, as the previous posters have pointed out, the more senses (i.e., experiences) you include, the better for the reader's experience.

Imo, your story might work better in "third person, limited" pov, or "limited omniscient" (same thing, two terms). In it a third person narrator, wiser, calmer and more on top of things than the narrator (for whatever reason) actually tells the story but LIMITS him/her self to the emotional pov of the character. In this way, you can tell a story sympathetic to Hitler's experience, or Jack the Ripper's, or a retarded child's, or anyone for that matter.

In that way, your narrator can make transitions that would escape the emotional radar of your main character.

Just a thought. I hope it helps.