Does it always have to be

[Warbaby1943]

After reading many, many threads a question came to mind. I am directing this question at those who are actually living the D/s lives, not at people like me who mostly think or fantasize about fetishes.

What I would like to ask is do you always have to live out your fetishes each and every time you and your partner have sex? In my mind, my fantasies never had to end with the sex act. I always realized it was sexually erotic and arousing. However, it did not necessarily have to end with the sex act itself as the end result. After reading all these threads I now think that most of the time the BDSM activities lead to some sexual activity.

Anyway again I ask, is there always your Dominant and/or submissive needs that must be met first before you can have an enjoyable sexual encounter? I believe it would be called a vanilla activity without the BDSM activities being involved. If you sometimes do only engage in a vanilla sexual encounter, are you at the same time fantasizing about the fetish activities that you normally enjoy to get you in the mood, so to speak? Can you get into the mood without these BDSM activities or at least thinking about them?

To my way of thinking, I believe that once you have become used to these BDSM activities, no matter what they are, you may need them to become aroused. This may depend on the intensity of those activities, I have no idea.

Until joining this forum I never before even imagined this type of question let alone having a venue to ask it. So I thank you in advance for your replies.

[Ruby]

Wow, Warbaby!

Great question(s) and lots to think about.

Anyway again I ask, is there always your Dominant and/or submissive needs that must be met first before you can have an enjoyable sexual encounter?

No, they don't for me.

If you sometimes do only engage in a vanilla sexual encounter, are you at the same time fantasizing about the fetish activities that you normally enjoy to get you in the mood, so to speak?

No and sometimes, yes. It all depends on what's happening at the moment.

Sometimes it's the fantasies that spark the encounter.
* wink, wink, nudge, nudge *
Writing erotica can be quite a turn on.

Can you get into the mood without these BDSM activities or at least thinking about them?

Yes.

To my way of thinking, I believe that once you have become used to these BDSM activities, no matter what they are, you may need them to become aroused. This may depend on the intensity of those activities...

I'd have to counter that thought with another,
"variety is the spice of life".

Sometimes an arousing thing can be the look in a partner's eyes, the smile that's just for you, a flip of the hair... whatever the trigger that turns you on.

While BDSM activities can lead to arousal,
for me, they are not exclusive to causing that state.

Until joining this forum I never before even imagined this type of question let alone having a venue to ask it.

Go you, Warbaby! Keep asking away.

Who's next? Enquiring minds want to know.

[Tojo]

Well I've had some r/l encounters in the distant past, & played a little with my wife in not so distant past.

It's complicated for me, as I used to be a sub up til aout 18 months ago.

My wife says she wants to tie me up & so & so even now, & it doesn't do a thing for me.

To be specific, I had one particular 'fantasy' encounter with two women- the one that used to tie me up & tease me & a bi friend of hers.

It was like all my fantasies come true, two women tying me up, kissing each other & so forth. I even got to do the sex thing with both of them...

Did that affect my 'straight' sex life with my wife, soon after? Hell no.
In fact I don't think I've ever really fantasised about anyone or anything else while I'm um with her.

The thing is my wife (Girlfriend at the time) was in love with me. She was young, & has a touch that drives me wild 18 years later.

So called 'straight sex' has NEVER lost it's appeal compared to kinky sex. Not with my wife anyway- even now she's still a turn on, when her health is on track.

I think it's directly related to how much you care about the person, for me at least. I couldn't imagine playing with or having sex with someone I didn't care for.

Actually as an aside- I never felt comfortable with my wife tying me up!

To get slightly away from W/Bs question- I wouldn't want to play with someone even online unless I cared for them.

That fact was brought home rather convincingly when I played with a certain young lady just recently. It was so amazing, it made all the other times seem to pale in comparisom. The thing is I feel great chunks of love for her- that's what does it for me.

Tojo

[MrDom]

yes great questions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Warbaby1943
Anyway again I ask, is there always your Dominant and/or submissive needs that must be met first before you can have an enjoyable sexual encounter?


Here I agree with Ruby. but if playing I feel my subs sexual gratafacations come first. We don't have sex but here other needs for the D/s come first I want her to want more if the lifestyle and me (eveil grin.) right now she is a novice with a great thurst for the D/s .


Quote:
Can you get into the mood without these BDSM activities or at least thinking about them?


Oh yes she a great turn onto me Vanilla and Choc. D/s




Quote:
To my way of thinking, I believe that once you have become used to these BDSM activities, no matter what they are, you may need them to become aroused. This may depend on the intensity of those activities...


She a great turn on for me either way. Just hugging her from the front or from the back just make me rock hard and that not even D/s. She is such a Hot turn on for me it dosn't matter which way we go. hehe


MrDom

[Warbaby1943]

These are great replies. Somewhat as I expected.

I didn't throw the slave aspect of BDSM into the original question because I thought it may have influenced the direction the answers would go. If the stories I read about the slaves are even close to reality there may never be any vanilla sex in those relationships. That is why I originally didn't bring them into the equation. I did hint at it when I said "the intensity of those activities" but didn't directly mention slaves. Actually I never before believed there were such a thing as slaves until I read about them advertising for that position in the "Personals." BUT again, I'm probably totally wrong, they may also enjoy vanilla sex.

[submissivewife]

After reading many, many threads a question came to mind. I am directing this question at those who are actually living the D/s lives, not at people like me who mostly think or fantasize about fetishes.

What I would like to ask is do you always have to live out your fetishes each and every time you and your partner have sex? In my mind, my fantasies never had to end with the sex act. I always realized it was sexually erotic and arousing. However, it did not necessarily have to end with the sex act itself as the end result. After reading all these threads I now think that most of the time the BDSM activities lead to some sexual activity.

Anyway again I ask, is there always your Dominant and/or submissive needs that must be met first before you can have an enjoyable sexual encounter? I believe it would be called a vanilla activity without the BDSM activities being involved. If you sometimes do only engage in a vanilla sexual encounter, are you at the same time fantasizing about the fetish activities that you normally enjoy to get you in the mood, so to speak? Can you get into the mood without these BDSM activities or at least thinking about them?

To my way of thinking, I believe that once you have become used to these BDSM activities, no matter what they are, you may need them to become aroused. This may depend on the intensity of those activities, I have no idea.

Until joining this forum I never before even imagined this type of question let alone having a venue to ask it. So I thank you in advance for your replies.

For me, I don't need BDSM to always have a climax. It's nice, but not always needed. To me since I lean more toward the slave side of things having vanilla sex is an act of submission by giving my body as my partner wants.

There are times when I really need the S&M side of things. Usually, it's not all that often. Dominance is mostly what I seek. Submitting my body in "vanilla" sex is still, to me, a submissive act. Does it fullfill all of my desires, no....am I able to be aroused and have an orgasm, yes definitely.

[sweetness and light]

i am not sure how others will respond, or how they deem to live thier lives, but in the relationship that i share with my Dom, D/s is always a part of our lives. though we need to live a "vanilla" lifestyle professionally, in some form or another, there is a reminder of the roles we have in the relationship. whether that is a quick discreet phone call between the two of us, and i playfullly respond to him "anything you wish Sir/Master", to the outside world it would only be a couple playing, but it is a reminder to the both of us what we share. Within our own private lives, away from the office/public scrutiny, it is much different. whether it is sexually, or interacting with one another, it does not matter, there is no question of the lifestyle we live. it is not always being restrained, or spanked. if there is a moment in my life that i need to be held, my hair stroked, or just a general feeling of "your an amazing woman", it does happen, but it also has a D/s flavor. i hope what i have said helps or makes sense. take care.

[katie_21]

Well, I don't have that much experience but I will say this.

I never fantasize about D/s while having "vanilla" sex with my husband. I don't really have to think about anything in particular to be turned on by him, all he has to do is look at me and I'm turned on lol

[katie_21]

oops I wasn't really finished....I'll finish this post later I promise lol.

[Warbaby1943]

For me, I don't need BDSM to always have a climax. It's nice, but not always needed. To me since I lean more toward the slave side of things having vanilla sex is an act of submission by giving my body as my partner wants.

There are times when I really need the S&M side of things. Usually, it's not all that often. Dominance is mostly what I seek. Submitting my body in "vanilla" sex is still, to me, a submissive act. Does it fullfill all of my desires, no....am I able to be aroused and have an orgasm, yes definitely.

Submissivewife,

Are you saying that if your partner wants vanilla sex he is asking for it because he knows that you have to submit to his wishes to have it that way? Does he request vanilla sex because he knows you'd rather have it with BDSM activities included and just the act of you having sex that way is another way of him exercising his dominance over you? That in itself sounds thrilling, you get the best of both worlds all the time. I think you are very fortunate.

Thanks for the input.

[Warbaby1943]

i am not sure how others will respond, or how they deem to live thier lives, but in the relationship that i share with my Dom, D/s is always a part of our lives. though we need to live a "vanilla" lifestyle professionally, in some form or another, there is a reminder of the roles we have in the relationship. whether that is a quick discreet phone call between the two of us, and i playfullly respond to him "anything you wish Sir/Master", to the outside world it would only be a couple playing, but it is a reminder to the both of us what we share. Within our own private lives, away from the office/public scrutiny, it is much different. whether it is sexually, or interacting with one another, it does not matter, there is no question of the lifestyle we live. it is not always being restrained, or spanked. if there is a moment in my life that i need to be held, my hair stroked, or just a general feeling of "your an amazing woman", it does happen, but it also has a D/s flavor. i hope what i have said helps or makes sense. take care.

sweetness and light,

Yes what you said makes perfect sense and I thank you for your input.

[Warbaby1943]

Tojo & Ruby,

It is always great to read your responses. They are always very interesting. Thanks.

MrDom,

Thanks to you also for responding.

Katie_21,

It was very interesting post so far. Can't wait to see the remainder.

[submissivewife]

Submissivewife,

Are you saying that if your partner wants vanilla sex he is asking for it because he knows that you have to submit to his wishes to have it that way? Does he request vanilla sex because he knows you'd rather have it with BDSM activities included and just the act of you having sex that way is another way of him exercising his dominance over you? That in itself sounds thrilling, you get the best of both worlds all the time. I think you are very fortunate.

Thanks for the input.

Yes, it is thrilling. In my opinion, whatever my dom want, whether it be vanilla, D/s, or S&M sex it is thrilling. It is all in the mind of the submissive and how she looks at the act.

[Warbaby1943]

It is all in the mind of the submissive and how she looks at the act.

Submissivewife,

By George, I think you've just got me thinking about a subject for another thread. I'll have to work on my initial thought after reading your statement that I just quoted.

Thanks,

[submissivewife]

Glad I got you thinking.....I think.

[Warbaby1943]

Glad I got you thinking.....I think.

Submissivewife,

Hahaha!!! Thanks your good for that. I already posted the new question in this same forum.

[submissivewife]

I saw and replied....hope my thoughts contribute some.

[_ID_]

What I would like to ask is do you always have to live out your fetishes each and every time you and your partner have sex? In my mind, my fantasies never had to end with the sex act. I always realized it was sexually erotic and arousing. However, it did not necessarily have to end with the sex act itself as the end result. After reading all these threads I now think that most of the time the BDSM activities lead to some sexual activity.

Anyway again I ask, is there always your Dominant and/or submissive needs that must be met first before you can have an enjoyable sexual encounter? I believe it would be called a vanilla activity without the BDSM activities being involved. If you sometimes do only engage in a vanilla sexual encounter, are you at the same time fantasizing about the fetish activities that you normally enjoy to get you in the mood, so to speak? Can you get into the mood without these BDSM activities or at least thinking about them?

Since your question has differnt sections but is of one overal question. I am going to answer it in the overal aspect.

For me, sex always has a D/s element in it. she as my wife recieves me as the husband, accepts my member in her body. That in of it's self in my IMO is a submissive act, I know there are others who would disagree, and thats fine.

As far as the fantasy of BDSM and S/M goes, do I incorperate it in our intimate time, no not always, and no I don't always think about it during the act. That said, the most erotic experiences I have ever had in my entire life have been with my wife/slave, and yes, they were all of some sort of kink related activity.

I hope this answers your questions.

V/R
ID

[mina]

I have to agree with a lot of what Ruby, subwife, and IDCrewDawg said.

Every time we have 'vanilla' sex it is never without D/s elements, like IDCrewDawg said. Whether it is the way he handles me or just him commanding me, it is always apparent that he is in control. And yes, usually BDSM activities lead to sex for us, but not always. Well, some type of sex is had, but not always intercourse if that's what you mean.

To get in the mood though all I need is him, and any way I can please him is pleasing to me, whether he wants something 'normal' or something more intense. Hope that helps.

[His_pita]

I have been living with my Dom now for 3 wonderful months. We are totally in love and mushy as hell. We are completely capable of having amazing "vanilla" sex where there is no D/s or fetish element to it. And we sometimes through in a little D/s along with our vanilla. Or we go all out D/s and there is no vanilla. For me I hope it stays that way.

[Warbaby1943]

IDCrewDawg, Mina, & His_pita,

All your answers were great. I was only asking because I am curious about BDSM and how it relates to one's overall life. As we can all see, it seems to depend a lot on one's perspective and what they enjoy.

I believe if I had the option, it would be a combination of vanilla and BDSM activities, as is the case with so many who are replying here.