Desires and needs

[Warbaby1943]

I desire certain BDSM activities; I need water to quench my thirst.

I desire certain BDSM activities; I need food to maintain my health.

I desire certain BDSM activities; I need the love of my family to complete my life.

I desire certain BDSM activities; I need certain BDSM activities.

This is the problem - when my desire for certain BDSM activities seems to turn to a need for those BDSM activities. This is when my problems start and my conscience kicks into overdrive. My wife does not engage in kinky activities so my only option is to visit a professional, which I have done once in my life and justified the argument with my conscience – that was another thread. During my visit, my immediate needs were fulfilled but that could never eliminate my constant desires for those activities, which shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.

I thought for years that there really was no need; it was all just a weird wanting of something I couldn’t have because of the beliefs of my partner. I’m not finding fault with her and I’m not complaining about her lack of this desire for BDSM activities. I realize every person must live life as they see fit. What I’m wondering is if others who may or may not be in real life D/s relationships ever find themselves separating the desires from the needs.

Let me put it this way for those who have a shared BDSM relationship that is open and shared with a trusted partner. You may have a desire for a certain activity and the opportunity never arises to live out this fantasy. Then one day this desire becomes so intense that you need to have this activity or fantasy played out. Maybe it is a little more dangerous than your partner would agree to or maybe it is something your partner just absolutely refuses to do. Does this now need of yours override your better judgment to the point where you would insist on living it out or, as in my case, pay a professional to play it out for and with you?

Do others here find themselves separating desires and needs or am I, as was the case for so many years, once again alone in these feelings? I know these feelings are closely related. Maybe they are one and the same and some will think they can't be separated but I don't think so. What do you think?

[arwcuw]

I know what you mean. Sometimes it is hard to separate your needs from your wants, and not just in the sexual sense.

I used to think that I "wanted" to masturbate in bondage, and that I could stop. Until I tried to stop. I couldn't totally eliminate it from my life, therefore, to some degree, I need it.

It's a lot easier to deal with when the "desire" or "need", whichever it is, doesn't require another person to be played out. I don't have to pay a professional to fulfill my needs, at least not yet. And I hope that if I ever get to the point when I need another person, I'll have a partner who's willing to oblige. I'll be lucky if I do.

Not sure what to say to your problem. If your wife is okay with you going to a professional, then I say, don't worry and just have fun. If not, then you'll find out if it's really a need or just a desire.

[Silke]

Hmm, interesting question, warbaby. For me the desires become needs once I've dipped my toe in them, tried them on for a little while...a bit like fantasies turning into reality - when they're good I want more of it. I'd probably never equal BDSM to basic needs like eating or sleep...heck, I wouldn't even put sex on the same level. It's things I can live without if I had to whereas the basic ones are not. But they add to my happiness, my well being, and I feel I need that, too. Life isn't all about what you have to do, but what you want to do, right?

Now, would I go so far as to pay someone for those needs? I don't know. Right now, there's no need for it as I'm getting all I 'need' BDSM wise, I'm fortunate that way. But would I consider it? Maybe...although I doubt that the idea that my 'dom' does this for money will work towards what I want and need out of a D/s relationship - plus, since I'm not in your situation I could always look for someone else. And also, for me an online D/s relationship would work better than paying a professional, ever thought of that? It has an honest dynamic with obvious limitations on the practical/physical side, but at least to me it comes closer to what I need than just the physical scene with some pro.

Just my ramblings...I'm sure there's other people who have better input for you.

[Warbaby1943]

I'd probably never equal BDSM to basic needs like eating or sleep...heck, I wouldn't even put sex on the same level. It's things I can live without if I had to whereas the basic ones are not.

And also, for me an online D/s relationship would work better than paying a professional, ever thought of that?

Silke,

Thanks for the input. I really wasn't trying to say that the activities were on the same par as basic needs. I was only trying to demonstrate a point that, at least for me, it does seem to become a very important element of my life. I agree it is something that can be lived without. I did that for many years, but once I did experience it, it now seems to be even more of a burning desire, I'll use that term instead of a need. I have not gone back for a second visit and it is most likely that I won't, at least in the near future. Believe me though when I say that I am fighting that temptation every day. I really do not want it to become a need. Maybe I just didn't explain myself well in the start of this thread. I am desperately trying to separate to two, desires and needs, and do, as you say, live without the desires knowing they aren't actually needs. Make sense?

On lone relationship? That isn't something I am not even remotely interested in. It just doesn't have any appeal to me. Once, like Uncle Ed, in a slightly inebriated stage, I sent an email to a lady looking for an on line relationship. She never replied and once I sobered up I was very happy for that and decided that it really wasn't something I wanted to do.

[Warbaby1943]

Not sure what to say to your problem. If your wife is okay with you going to a professional, then I say, don't worry and just have fun. If not, then you'll find out if it's really a need or just a desire.

arwcuw,

Thanks for the input. My wife has no idea but, again, that was another thread. It is still part of my dilemma. If she knew and approved, I'd be visiting the lovely Mistress I found every month at least once.

[Uncle_Ed]

On lone relationship? That isn't something I am not even remotely interested in. It just doesn't have any appeal to me. Once, like Uncle Ed, in a slightly inebriated stage, I sent an email to a lady looking for an on line relationship. She never replied and once I sobered up I was very happy for that and decided that it really wasn't something I wanted to do.

Can I just add that although I have been inebriated and will readily admit it, I have not sent e-mails to ladies looking for relationships!

Warbaby-your desire is captured here by Shakespeare:


For like the hectic in my blood he rages,
And thou must cure me: till I know 'tis done,
Howe'er my haps, my joys were ne'er begun.

Hamlet Act 4 scene 3
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[mina]

I think the desire becomes a need when you can't do anything until you have fulfilled the need. Just because you won't physically/naturally die from it, doesn't mean it won't fuck you up mentally if you don't have/do it, so I would still consider it a need. I know this is true for my partner, when he gets a craving for...something, he has to have it then or he can't bring himself to focus on anything else. As for me, I feel like I NEED to feel pain sometimes or else I'll go mentally insane and just totally break down. So that's kind of a temporary need, as for long-term, I know that I need him to dominate me and my life or else I wouldn't be able to function by myself at this point. Definitely more of a need than a desire.

[Silke]

I really wasn't trying to say that the activities were on the same par as basic needs. I was only trying to demonstrate a point that, at least for me, it does seem to become a very important element of my life. I agree it is something that can be lived without. I did that for many years, but once I did experience it, it now seems to be even more of a burning desire, I'll use that term instead of a need. I have not gone back for a second visit and it is most likely that I won't, at least in the near future. Believe me though when I say that I am fighting that temptation every day. I really do not want it to become a need. Maybe I just didn't explain myself well in the start of this thread. I am desperately trying to separate to two, desires and needs, and do, as you say, live without the desires knowing they aren't actually needs. Make sense?

Yes, it does make sense and it must be nerve wrecking to not be able to do as you please, follow your desires...you really must love your wife endlessly to keep such an obviously immensely important part of your life locked and under control. I'm sure some of that strength comes from this bond with your wife, right? As long as you focus on that, I think you'll be ok. My only question to you would be, if - like me - dipping your toes in the actual experience does make the desire stronger and does NOT, at least in the longterm, ease it off because it's been taken care of....do you think it wise to follow your desires? *sighs* Did I really say that???

About that online relationship thing - yeah, it's not for everyone and I'm glad you found out for yourself.

As for myself...I don't think I could be happy in a strictly vanilla relationship anymore, actually - I never have. I only didn't know where the catch was at the time. So yes, there's a need for me in this. And it scares me because it seriously limits the pool of men...

[Tojo]

I don't know whether it's my age, the heart medication or whether I've got my head straight at last, but my 'needs' seem to have become less important.

Many years ago I was dying to do things, many of which I've done. The only fantasy I really haven't lived looks like happening now.

It just seems like a lovely thing to do, something I desire to do much more than 'need' to do.

I'll enjoy touching her cheek as her arms are bound behind her back & looking in her eyes. I may love the thought of (oops better not give too much away) but it's something I desire to do, I won't die without it.

I remember the first time I took my wife out, before we were married. She was still a teenager- same age as you Mina. She was the most sexy thing I'd ever seen in real life & she was next to me in my car in the dark.

Even then I didn't feel a need for her, we exchanged a bit of passion (long after the movie finished I might add) but it was just nice. It felt fantastic, but I was happy to leave it at the kissy fondly stage & wait for the pants off thing til it was time.

Anticipation can be very pleasant- the next 6 months will be nice.

Tojo

[Warbaby1943]

Can I just add that although I have been inebriated and will readily admit it, I have not sent e-mails to ladies looking for relationships!

Warbaby-your desire is captured here by Shakespeare:


For like the hectic in my blood he rages,
And thou must cure me: till I know 'tis done,
Howe'er my haps, my joys were ne'er begun.

Hamlet Act 4 scene 3
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I didn't mean to insinuate that you did and I apologize if it came across that way. I was only likening myself to you in the matter of enjoying an occasional glass of the spirits. In a weakened state of mind, I replied to her add only by stating my interest. Again, I'm glad I didn't hear from her.

Shakespeare was brilliant. I wonder if he partook of the spirits as he was writing. If so, maybe I too can one day be famous.

Again Ed, sorry if I offended you.

[Warbaby1943]

I think the desire becomes a need when you can't do anything until you have fulfilled the need. Just because you won't physically/naturally die from it, doesn't mean it won't fuck you up mentally if you don't have/do it, so I would still consider it a need.

Mina thanks. My point exactly but you stated it better.

[Uncle_Ed]

I didn't mean to insinuate that you did and I apologize if it came across that way. I was only likening myself to you in the matter of enjoying an occasional glass of the spirits. In a weakened state of mind, I replied to her add only by stating my interest. Again, I'm glad I didn't hear from her.

Shakespeare was brilliant. I wonder if he partook of the spirits as he was writing. If so, maybe I too can one day be famous.

Again Ed, sorry if I offended you.

Warbaby,

No offence taken! Thanks anyway-I just wanted to clear that particular point.

[Warbaby1943]

My only question to you would be, if - like me - dipping your toes in the actual experience does make the desire stronger and does NOT, at least in the longterm, ease it off because it's been taken care of....do you think it wise to follow your desires? *sighs* Did I really say that???


As for myself...I don't think I could be happy in a strictly vanilla relationship anymore, actually - I never have. I only didn't know where the catch was at the time. So yes, there's a need for me in this. And it scares me because it seriously limits the pool of men...

I do not think it wise to follow my desires. Actually sometimes I think it is very foolish to even think of following them or even to just think of them. Again a dilemma.

It does indeed limit the pool of men for you but at least you do know ahead of time what you want and can look for him from that vantage point. I wish you luck in that endeavor. For me, even if I had known ahead of time, I think I would have had a problem finding someone I could love for a lifetime and still share all my fetishes with. I would have had to love her first. In that respect, I think I am a very lucky man.

[Warbaby1943]

I don't know whether it's my age, the heart medication or whether I've got my head straight at last, but my 'needs' seem to have become less important.

From where I'm standing, I would have to say it must be the heart medication. I'm not getting better with age I'm just getting fucking older and my needs seem to be still there. OH well!!!!

Lovely story about your first date with your wife. I remember my first date with my wife. Talk about desires. I'll stop there. It's sometimes painful to remember the good old days and how active I was as a young man. It sure as hell was good though. Did someone say, you only live twice?"

[Silke]

I do not think it wise to follow my desires. Actually sometimes I think it is very foolish to even think of following them or even to just think of them. Again a dilemma.

*sighs* yeah, I can see that. And I wish you luck and happiness whichever way you choose to go. You have something beautiful to fall back on at least and that might be worth fighting your desires. Hope you'll find peace of mind at some stage.

[Warbaby1943]

*sighs* yeah, I can see that. And I wish you luck and happiness whichever way you choose to go. You have something beautiful to fall back on at least and that might be worth fighting your desires. Hope you'll find peace of mind at some stage.

Silke.