Dom demanding to be contacted - Is this right?

[ukMC]

I read a post from a female newbie saying that she was very new to this and seeking an experienced Dom. I was horrified to see a reply to her stating at the end 'CONTACT ME NOW'. Is this Dom trying to scare the hell out of her and off this site? Not only that if gives the wrong impression of what Doms and the people on this site are like.

To see it for yourself have a look at the link below (6th reply):
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...ad.php?t=17257

Please reply with your feelings about this.

[Wyked Bytch]

no it is not the way for a Dom to approach a sub, especially a new sub, but then again there has always been and will always be those that pounce on new meat..I hope thiis girl feels more value with her self . and will take the time to get to get the real feel for this lifestyle rather then accept just anyone who claims to be Dominant...Just my 2 cents..Wyked

[denuseri]

Some peoples idea of wellcoming a new person are to try and get them to "Hook up" imediately and are sadly worded like bad pickup lines in response to an add in the "personels" section.

You are not the only one that is troubled when they see such behavior ukMasterC.

Its especially unsetteling when you visit the same person targeted for such attentions profile only to find it inundated with simular advances.

Unfortunately honest and or naive ommissions of: being new, inexperienced, or young, do tend to draw the unsavory types that prey on the unfortunate like sharks to blood in the water.

[DowntownAmber]

Everyone has their own idea of what it means to be a Dominant, both onlinw and in r/l. That approach certainly wouldn't garner anything other than a fit of hysterical laughter from me, but you never know about someone else... *shrugs*

[sadiej]

Sir,

THANK YOU for your observations and concern regarding this kind of behavior. as a fairly new sub myself, i have experienced this kind of agressive, tactless approach by several Doms. it is poor etiquette and irresponsible behavior. like doing brain surgery with a sledge hammer.

Doms need to realize that a new sub is still trying to discover their true identity and role in this community. often you are unsure of yourself as this is truly "uncharted territory." if you are also young and less experienced in life, this can make you even more vulnerable and fragile. an approach like this is terrifying and confusing for a sub at this stage of self-discovery and may scare them off completely.

Doms need to understand the power that they hold and do so with responsibility and honor. this kind of verbage and stance with a young, green sub is inexcusable and shows a lack of understanding of what is key to build a good D/s relationship... trust.

[Willsubmit2]

That type of responce, for i was a newbie not too long ago myself, would have been..."I don't think so" because i can usually tell if a Dom was going to be too strong for me being a new sub and new to any sites i was searching for a Dom at...basically, i would have totally ignored it except for a fresh "EXCUSE ME?"

[Ozme52]

On the other hand, if it was in a personal ad, perhaps she was looking for such a response. The personals are a whole different approach to interacting.

Chat has rules, the rest of the forum has rules. About the only rule I know of regarding personal ads is that they are not to be mocked. Different people use different kinds of bait to fish... and different people are fishing for different kinds of fish...

All we can do is hope that newcomers look around a bit, get involved in the community, and figure out what they want before placing a personal ad. But clearly, those who place and respond to such ads, tend to limit themselves to posting within the ads and privately. Other than one sub who responded (quite nicely) on behalf of her own master... the biggest postcount among the respondents was 4.

The intro section appears at the top of the board, the personal are quite a bit further down. I doubt there is all THAT much naivity among the posters.

[Ozme52]

Oh... and btw, as this is actually in the intro thead...

[MacGuffin]

All we can do is hope that newcomers look around a bit, get involved in the community, and figure out what they want before placing a personal ad.

The site could protect the "new meat" with a "Tips, Tricks and Traps" type pages in the guidelines section and make them aware of them in welcome messages. The existing guidelines are basically additionally rules ie they are compulsory. And of course it's not just subbies that would benefit from advisory guidelines. Pouncing Doms would maybe adopt a different approach if they were given advice on how to "hook up".

Personally I think DownTownAmber touches on the cause of the problem when she says "Everyone has their own idea of what it means to be a Dominant, both onlinw and in r/l." There would seem to be two schools. Those for whom bdsm is about building relationships based on mutual respect and the others who see it like an online fantasy game (the terms, play, role, scene etc. do imply make pretend). So when DarkCruelMaster first meets sweetinnocentmaiden in the lobby or forums and says "On your knees bitch" he probably thinks he is just playing the part and is stunned when sweetinnocentmaiden replies "how dare you call me a bitch, you don't know me".

It's clear what school the Dom in this thread belongs to, but we don't know about the sub. As Ozme says "perhaps she was looking for such a response". This is the problem. How to differentiate between the realists and fantasists. Possible solutions include nick conventions, more information (perhaps a new field) in the profile to indicate if a person is looking for fantasy or reality. For personals the sticky is of course the place to make people aware of how best to hook up. For chat perhaps people should be made more aware of the fact that the Playhouse is place to be for the "on your knees bitch" type of greeting.

[Mad Lews]

I read a post from a female newbie saying that she was very new to this and seeking an experienced Dom. I was horrified to see a reply to her stating at the end 'CONTACT ME NOW'. Is this Dom trying to scare the hell out of her and off this site? Not only that if gives the wrong impression of what Doms and the people on this site are like.

To see it for yourself have a look at the link below (6th reply):
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...ad.php?t=17257

Please reply with your feelings about this.

Smacks of insecurity if you ask me.
Mad Lews

[Ozme52]

All we can do is hope that newcomers look around a bit, get involved in the community, and figure out what they want before placing a personal ad.

The site could protect the "new meat" with a "Tips, Tricks and Traps" type pages in the guidelines section and make them aware of them in welcome messages. The existing guidelines are basically additionally rules ie they are compulsory. And of course it's not just subbies that would benefit from advisory guidelines. Pouncing Doms would maybe adopt a different approach if they were given advice on how to "hook up".

Personally I think DownTownAmber touches on the cause of the problem when she says "Everyone has their own idea of what it means to be a Dominant, both onlinw and in r/l." There would seem to be two schools. Those for whom bdsm is about building relationships based on mutual respect and the others who see it like an online fantasy game (the terms, play, role, scene etc. do imply make pretend). So when DarkCruelMaster first meets sweetinnocentmaiden in the lobby or forums and says "On your knees bitch" he probably thinks he is just playing the part and is stunned when sweetinnocentmaiden replies "how dare you call me a bitch, you don't know me".

It's clear what school the Dom in this thread belongs to, but we don't know about the sub. As Ozme says "perhaps she was looking for such a response". This is the problem. How to differentiate between the realists and fantasists. Possible solutions include nick conventions, more information (perhaps a new field) in the profile to indicate if a person is looking for fantasy or reality. For personals the sticky is of course the place to make people aware of how best to hook up. For chat perhaps people should be made more aware of the fact that the Playhouse is place to be for the "on your knees bitch" type of greeting.

That's kind of a harsh label... Just goes to show you we all have different perspectives of "appropriate"
We have those and more, but you can't force people to even read them let alone read them first.
Rules? We don't need no stinkin' rules. Besides, it's totally unenforceable.

[Ozme52]

Smacks of insecurity if you ask me.

LOL, I'm really not disagreeing... but let's remember her ad.

Hello, I'm _____, I'm 18 and VERY new to this. I'm seeking an experienced Dom, ideally much older than me, who will "put me straight... and then some!"

We're "beating up" the responders who have probably given her exactly what she's craving, at least at this point.

[MacGuffin]

Ozme

That's kind of a harsh label... Just goes to show you we all have different perspectives of "appropriate.

You're absolutely right, it is a harsh label. I didn't create the label, Wyked Bytch did in his post. I thought it strange that in a thread denouncing a Dom for giving the "wrong impression" one reply refered to new members as meat and another prefered fish. My repeating the term in quotation marks was intended to highlight its inappropriateness.

We have those and more, but you can't force people to even read them let alone read them first.

Really, I can't seem to find them. Perhaps you would be so kind as to paste the link. I agree you cannot force people to read them (although in theory you could) but it just seems to me that providing information and people not reading it is a better option than not providing it and people needing or wanting it. "All we can do is hope that newcomers look around a bit" option is in my view inaction and giving up. Better to try something and if it doesn't work at least you tried.

Rules? We don't need no stinkin' rules. Besides, it's totally unenforceable.

Did I advocate more rules? I suggested providing helpful information and tips. I suggested the guidelines section because that should, in theory, be the place new members look at first.

[Ozme52]

Ozme

That's kind of a harsh label... Just goes to show you we all have different perspectives of "appropriate.

You're absolutely right, it is a harsh label. I didn't create the label, Wyked Bytch did in his post. I thought it strange that in a thread denouncing a Dom for giving the "wrong impression" one reply refered to new members as meat and another prefered fish. My repeating the term in quotation marks was intended to highlight its inappropriateness.

Right you are... Props to you... your post was the more compelling read.

We have those and more, but you can't force people to even read them let alone read them first.

Really, I can't seem to find them. Perhaps you would be so kind as to paste the link. I agree you cannot force people to read them (although in theory you could) but it just seems to me that providing information and people not reading it is a better option than not providing it and people needing or wanting it. "All we can do is hope that newcomers look around a bit" option is in my view inaction and giving up. Better to try something and if it doesn't work at least you tried.

Perhaps in the archives by now... perhaps lost in the annals of time.

Rules? We don't need no stinkin' rules. Besides, it's totally unenforceable.

Did I advocate more rules? I suggested providing helpful information and tips. I suggested the guidelines section because that should, in theory, be the place new members look at first.

We can't be the Dom Quixotes of the forum. Everyone needs to find their own path.

[MacGuffin]

We're "beating up" the responders who have probably given her exactly what she's craving, at least at this point.

I bet there's more than a few Doms who were considering responding but are now have second thoughts for fear of being "beaten up" by the mob!

[cadence]

I bet there's more than a few Doms who were considering responding but are now have second thoughts for fear of being "beaten up" by the mob!

Nah, I don't think that is the case, however as a submissive I am not afraid of being "beaten up"

A long time ago, I too had placed a personal ad in another forum when I was still very green. I really didn't know how D/s actually worked.
Actually I wanted to find a mentor to help me learn. I also said I had a b/f already and wanted to be able to share with him.
I had a Dominant who wanted to meet and have me naked and kneeling our very first meeting. One who wanted to meet me in a hotel and tie me up, sending me endless emails as to what we would do together. He was also using his wife's email, and of course she found out and threatened me. Not that I was going to ever meet him, but still, not a good thing to have happen.
I was also told to f**k off, get lost and lose the boyfriend. I wasn't a submissive and no one would help me.
I ended up using my own discretion, and learned by reading that all of those responses were plain bull.

I was smart enough to know who the trolls were and who was genuinely interested in helping me.

If I made a personal ad now, I would welcome a Dominant who was mean and demanding, that's what I like. I don't like the cozy, comforting Doms, they aren't compatible with me.
Now that I know what I want, any response to a personal ad would be taken with a grain of salt. I know which ones are in fact genuine and which ones are not.

I'm rambling, but my point is, regardless of what responses a submissive garners, they should take some responsibility to understand who they are meeeting and talking to.
Yes there are many threads around that do help, it is up to the individual to seek out information when they are new.