question about online sub

[FrozenGrapes]

i have had an online sub for about 3 months. Recently she has been pushing more for punishment and then dissapeared a week and a half ago. I think she might be bored.. any suggestions as to what to say in am email to get her revved up again?

[GrandMaster]

Well if you are on different levels maybe you are just not right for eachother. If she wants you to be really harsh on her, and you are "softer" - then maybe you should look for someone else.
As for suggestions, it's hard to say without knowing anything about any of you. I would be demanding and tell her to either commit to your relationship or end it. Be imaginative and come up with a really humiliating/painful/whatever-gets-her-going task. If you feel she is challenging you, you need to challenge her with something harsh, show who is in control. Either she will do it and you will be back on track or she wont but then you will at least know.

[PropertyOfMasterJoey]

Well, as a sub, when i push for more punishment it usually means i want attention. An online relationship can be very dificult because there are certain needs that just aren't satisfied so it's possible she feels like she needs more to fill the gap. Remember since she is an online sub it's possible something could be up with her computer or real life stuff came up that made it dificult for her to find time to log on. Next time You talk to her try to find out what it is she wants out of the relationship and see if it matches what You really want in a sub. Maybe it's just time to move on.

[snowflake]

Hello FROZENGRAPES,

GrandMaster is right .. not know either you or your sub it makes it very difficult to answer this question as i don't know where either one of your limits might be..

i am a sub both o/l and r/l and yes online relationships can be a handful and stressful some times... But i truly think you need to find out what she wants ..What her limits are.. so you know how hard you can push..

On the other hand .. i think she needs to know what your limits are and how much she can expect of you..

Just like R/L you have to talk about things... know where you are at .. so no one is bored or especially disappointed.. at least that is how i feel..

So with that being said my suggestion to you for an email is this:

i think you should write her and inform her that she need to fill this out:

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9385

She also must write you an essay on why she has disappeared..

Demand it... and tell her that if she doesn't fill it out not only will she never find out your answers to it.. that it will be over even if she comes crawling back and set a time limit on it .. say 2 days a 48 hr period.. That the only way you will except her back is because R/L was truly taking over or she lost Internet... then you shall discuss what she could have done to correct this.. {Libraries have computers}

i would also suggest maybe adding that if she is late with the results it will cause her an undetermined amount of lashes mattering how late she is and for what reason... but that all reasons including r/l and computer problems will not be reason to let it go but may lighten the punishment .. but it will not discard it.. As you do not like being made to wait and find it very disrespectful for her not to be here when you want her for such along time..

She seems to want punishment this is a good way to start with an excuse to begin with..

i will be honest i am a very demanding sub as well... without punishment i get lost... without strict rules or at least strict tasks.. i get lost.. and i am not alone.. i know this for sure as i have heard it many times from other subs..

To some of us it a needed thing not just a play thing.. without it we become very depressed and lost... over whelmed and confused ... with a feeling of unwanted... unloved and not worth the air we breath.. {if you want further explanation please send me a message on the board} So i understand her if this is the case..

Please make sure you have your answers filled out as well for the post i gave you .. even if she doesn't come back it will help in the next relationship you have.. and if there is another i would suggest the first task for that sub would to be filling this out so you know where you stand at the very beginning and know you are compatible and things don't go this far..

i would also suggest you are long winded with replies during play.. just saying slap slap is not very interesting if this is how you play.. this i don't know.. but being descriptive also helps maintain a better play and more ejoyable and fufilling..

I hope i have helped and not hindered

Just my opinion

hugs
snow

[FrozenGrapes]

I actually heard from her today. She was very apologetic and said she had to go out of town with family and only today got to a computer to email me. I understand this as it has happened before but she mentioned and i do feel an appropriate punishment is nessesary for making me wait and wonder and not letting me know what is going on. regardless of the circumstances. Like i said before she has been pushing for me ot dicipline more and take more control and i feel now is a good time to step up and take the reigns.... any thoughts? doms or subs veiwpoint on this very welcome.... thanks all!!!

[PropertyOfMasterJoey]

sounds to me she's tryin to top from the bottom. i tried that once with Master but quickly learned to never do it again. i might be wrong but it sounds like she's trying to manipulate the situatuation to get what she wants as opposed to genuinely wanting to please you. i dunno for sure or even how that would make You feel just throwin that out there.

[FrozenGrapes]

sounds to me she's tryin to top from the bottom. i tried that once with Master but quickly learned to never do it again. i might be wrong but it sounds like she's trying to manipulate the situatuation to get what she wants as opposed to genuinely wanting to please you. i dunno for sure or even how that would make You feel just throwin that out there.

how do you "top from the bottom"? i am still learning the terms. and how did you learn to not do that? or is that too personal a question? i do not know what is appropriate to ask here????

[PropertyOfMasterJoey]

lol you can ask anything hun. topping from the bottom means playing like a submissive but trying to manipulate the scene to get what you want instead of what the Dom wants. i learned not to do that because when Master realized what i was doing He said "ok if you aren't ready to let go of control don't lie to me and say that you are. I love you and if a Master isn't what you want then I'm not forcing that on you," then He left the room so i could think. it was at that point i figured out what i really wanted and that was to gove up control completely and since then things have never been better.

[snowflake]

I actually heard from her today. She was very apologetic and said she had to go out of town with family and only today got to a computer to email me. I understand this as it has happened before but she mentioned and i do feel an appropriate punishment is necessary for making me wait and wonder and not letting me know what is going on. regardless of the circumstances. Like i said before she has been pushing for me ot dicipline more and take more control and i feel now is a good time to step up and take the reigns.... any thoughts? doms or subs veiwpoint on this very welcome.... thanks all!!!

hmmm had to go out of town WITH family.. for a week or better.. Gee my thought on that is t was a planned things and she should have informed you and was disrespectful not to.. Like you don' matter if you sit and stew.. That is away a Dom may punish but as a sub i would never dare do that to my Master or my Dom...

It only takes a few seconds to Type..

"i have to to go our of town for a few days and will get back to you when i return..

Hope you understand

{subs name}"

To me this would be cause for an action.. Forgetfulness gets me hung upside down with a mask on in a play session on line and my breath controlled and asked what happens if i forget to allow you to breath again??

Not a good feeling i assure you..

I think she needs to write an essay on whom she is and whom is in control and about the meaning of respect and why it should be never forgotten...

or lines say like:

i shall never go away and not inform my Dom first that i am leaving as it is disrespectful.

or

i shall never disrespect my Dom in this manner or any other again.

By hand then make her take pics of it or web cam it or scan it to her comp.. and email it to you....

i would still make it so she has to fill that form out so you know what her hard limits are and push one of those buttons in a session.. Maybe then she shall learn disrespect is intolerable..

Just my thoughts as a sub..

hugs
snow

[snowflake]

sounds to me she's tryin to top from the bottom. i tried that once with Master but quickly learned to never do it again. i might be wrong but it sounds like she's trying to manipulate the situatuation to get what she wants as opposed to genuinely wanting to please you. i dunno for sure or even how that would make You feel just throwin that out there.

i agree that is exactly what it sounds like and it shows disrespect towards her Dom

Just my opinion

hugs
snow

[FrozenGrapes]

interesting suggestions... thank you everyone... this site has proven invaluable in my quest to expand my horizons.... and everyone here has been so kind i really appricaite it!

[orchidsoul]

hmmm had to go out of town WITH family.. for a week or better.. Gee my thought on that is t was a planned things and she should have informed you and was disrespectful not to.. Like you don' matter if you sit and stew.. That is away a Dom may punish but as a sub i would never dare do that to my Master or my Dom...

absolutely disrespectful, but I think it's also disrespectful for a dom to use it as punishment. I think regardless of whom it is (whether d/s or not) it's rather rude.

Online is so tricky to begin with- communication can be inherently limited, and when anyone heads out for more than 2-3 days, it seems appropriate to let them know.

Aside from stewing and questioning the relationship, there can be genuine concern over someone's well being. I know I'd get concerned if I didn't hear from someone near and dear to me for almost two weeks.

I like your idea of an essay. It seems appropriate. Anything else, she's liable to enjoy the punishment, particularly if she's been craving attention, hasn't had play for a couple weeks, etc.

Good luck Frozengrapes! I hope it works out ok whatever your punishment ends up being.

[snowflake]

absolutely disrespectful, but I think it's also disrespectful for a dom to use it as punishment. I think regardless of whom it is (whether d/s or not) it's rather rude.

Online is so tricky to begin with- communication can be inherently limited, and when anyone heads out for more than 2-3 days, it seems appropriate to let them know.

Aside from stewing and questioning the relationship, there can be genuine concern over someone's well being. I know I'd get concerned if I didn't hear from someone near and dear to me for almost two weeks.

I like your idea of an essay. It seems appropriate. Anything else, she's liable to enjoy the punishment, particularly if she's been craving attention, hasn't had play for a couple weeks, etc.

Good luck Frozengrapes! I hope it works out ok whatever your punishment ends up being.

And i agree with you .. even with a Dom i didn't say it was right i just said i could see one do it...

As for stewing .. i meant what you said worried something is wrong..

Glad we both see it that way hun

hugs
snow