Ways to relax while playing

[bambina]

What I say in the thread is for mature members only. If you have any problems with what I say then please do not comment. I seek advice. Not a lecture. I apologize in advance if any of the following offends anyone.

I finally have a Dom. I actually met him a year ago, long before I came to this site. But we actually decided to try a little D/s. Anyways, I've had fantasies about rape and wanted to try it out with him. It wouldn't a real rape. It's not like he'd come out of the shadows, snatch me up, beat me, and force himself on me. I'm not interested in that. I wanted to experience what it's like to actually BE submissive. But I'm not use to the idea of willingly submitting. Forced submission intrigues me though because my pride stays intact. The submission is unwilling...yet refreshing. Basically I wanted him to fuck me at his own pace. He wouldn't be violent with. He just would disregard my pleas for him to slow down or stop, which is what I wanted. I wanted him to have sex with me slowly and deeply and talk me through the whole thing. I love the idea of a man whispering softly in my ear, trying to comfort me. Even if he's the one causing me distress.

Now, to most of you this is nothing because you are use to having sex. However I've only had one previous sexual encounter but I was drunk out of my mind and don't remember much. I thought having a drink or two would take the edge off because I was very nervous at the time. Big mistake. I don't remember anything. I was so loosey goosey . The guy I was with at the time (I consented to sex before I got drunk so you can all exhale now) didn't have a problem having sex with me. But once I sobered up, it was impossible. That was 2 years ago. Anyways, last night my Dom and I decided to go for it. This time, I wouldn't drink anything. I wanted to be conscious of everything that happened to me so that I could thoroughly enjoy it and reminisce during classes or on my spare time. Needless to say I was shaking the whole time. He was rough and gentle at the same time. Sweet yet demanding. In short, this guy knew what the fuck he was doing . He tied me up and we did some...things. But one thing we couldn't do was have sex. My anxiety got the best of me and I was too tight for him to penetrate. It wasn't fully my fault though. This guy is big. Big and thick. Which I was not prepared for. But we could not have sex; Vaginal or anal because I was too tight in both holes due to my clenching and shaking. We spent about an hour trying. He tried different tactics. First he tied me up so that I wouldn't squirm. No good. Then he would slap me ass and pull my hair or grab my neck or bite my nipples (I hate nipple play) in order to punish me for not opening up for him. Fun but no cigar. He tried using his fingers which eventually worked. Then he tried actually penetrating, which did not work. Then he tried lightly forcing he way inside despite my yelps and screams. No go. The pain was too much and I was too nervous to relax. We finally gave up. Well, he did. I wanted him to keep trying because, even though I was scared out of my mind and the pain was crazy and my Dom was unpredictable, this was my fantasy. And even the pain was exciting.

But we sat down and talked for a bit. He basically said that I wasn't relaxed enough to have sex quite yet. He 'could' take me but that would be way too painful for me. I remember screaming really loudly when he almost got inside me. Indeed, it would have hurt. Even with all of the lube and all of the foreplay that we used and did. He didn't want me to truly suffer. Because it WOULD hurt. And he didn't want me to bleed really bad. I was already bleeding (lightly) anyway due to the hour of trying. I honestly wasn't expecting him to be so big. You wouldn't know it to look at him. He's not a big guy.

He tried to relax me by massaging and rubbing all over me. And it worked. Until he went for my crotch. Then I'd tense up again. You see the problem. My question is, does anyone have any pointers to avoid this? I mean I know some subs here have been so nervous that it actually prevented them from going so far. Especially when the Doms/Masters are constantly pushing limits. How do you get over it? My Dom and I want to try again some time soon but I don't want it to be a repeat of last night. I don't want to clench up anymore. I'm hoping this is all anxiety and not a medical problem. I'm hoping it's not Vaginismus. It's basically when the muscles surrounding the vagina spasm so tightly that you can't have sex. I hope it's not this because the cause for this is unknown and therefore there is no cure. Only 'treatments' that vary with each person. If I can just relax during the act then maybe we can do it and Vaginismus is not the problem (I hope I really do). So, is there any advice that one could give in order to calm me down? It would be much Appreciated. No alcohol please. I don't drink anymore anyways. One time is enough. I'm a little desperate because I want to act out this fantasy right. But I don't want him to tear me to shreds from the inside.


Thank you so much in advance. I really want to join in on the fun that you all know all too well. :

[orchidsoul]

Hiya Bambina,

Sounds like a hot encounter indeed!

My only suggestion would be trying 'vanilla' sex before acting out the fantasies... you can still be kinky/passionate/hot/wet/wild, but be yourselves.

my first time (for all intents and purposes this is sort of your first time) I was nervous as all heck, let alone with something so big and acting out a fantasy

btw- your Dom sounds great. He surely sounds like he knows what he's doing. It's good to be in good hands.

good luck!

[DowntownAmber]

From the emotional angle: you'll relax naturally as the two of you settle into your own rythm. It takes time, that's all. The next time you play, do it without the expectation of having sex. In fact, have a session where you can go as far as you want EXCEPT for actual intercourse. Knowing that it's not an issue takes the pressure off, and knowing that you can't do something instead of having to follow through with the fucking will make it all that much more desireable.

From the physical side of thigs: get a vibrator that is smaller than your Dom. Have him use that, and have him use his fingers until things relax and loosen up a bit. Baby steps.

[denuseri]

Babe it will take a bit of preperation,,

you may need to get yourself loosened up some prior,

my own man is kinda on the big side and i have had to wear a butt plug for the anal side myself prior to help get me used to be being filled and be able to take him without killing me back there,

i actually found sizeing up gradually over a week or two works wonders in the long term smaller to larger until you can accomadate him without clenching,, also when he goes in, you push out and back like your going potty, it eases entry

lots of lube and foreplay for you sisa have a few orgasms first before he gets any where near the penetration part. If you cant phycologically divorce your body memorey from the pain every time he goes to mount you will tense up, it will take lots of time to change that now that its established

[bambina]

All good advice. I may see him again next week. perhaps I can practice by myself until then. Vanilla sex? How Queer :P.

Naah I'm kidding. I think, after practicing a week, I'll try vanilla sex with him and we'll go slow. I'll put my fantasy on hold.I feel bad for him though. No sex because of me?

[orchidsoul]

All good advice. I may see him again next week. perhaps I can practice by myself until then. Vanilla sex? How Queer :P.

haha! I know- it felt funny saying it... but I do think 'vanilla' sex gets a bad wrap...
there's nothing 'vanilla' about my (and most peoples) non d/s encounters.

Don't feel bad. All good things are worth waiting for.

[bambina]

Then I'll be patient and wait.

[naomi57 {ukMC}]

hello bambina i know what you are going through as it has happened to me many years ago the only thing that i can suggest is to relax for a hour before having sex by your Dom or to have a relaxing bath or the alternative is to buy your self a butt plug or a vibrator but the smallest one not the biggest one and try to put it in yourself with loads of k y jelly yes you will bleed a bit but the bleeding should stop in a couple of days good luck and i wish you luck and enjoy from slavenaomi57

[SnickerKitten]

Bach's Rescue Remedy- available at most health food stores

-kitten

[Euryleia]

It is definitely going to take time and patience to get your body to open up and relax. For years after my sexual assault, I could not take any penetration at all. It sounds like your Dominant has what it takes to work with you.

Here are some of the things that you can try that worked for me:

Try to use your own fingers. You are probably relaxed enough during your self pleasuring to easily accommodate one or more fingers. Work to put more inside.

Do kegel exercises. Once you've gained some conscious control over those muscles, you'll be able to decide when to tighten and release them.

Use a vibe. Start small, with something thin and work your way up to larger and more realistically sized. Using a foreign object is the next step to actually being able to let a partner inside.

Don't always make penetration part of the play. If you make it your only focus, that will stress you out more and make it harder. There are plenty of other ways to show your submission to him and for you to gain satisfaction.

Best wishes as you move forward.

[Polaris]

Has happened to me before, and I suppose it will happen to me again. It was never an issue of size, but always some kind of unharmonious, emotional vibe. It is an intimate act, and I believe sometimes we want something and don't want it at the same time -- there are fears and stigmas attached to mostly everything sexual, and most of us have to work through them at some point or another. To me, it was not so much a problem when I was still vanilla (no big deal then), but when I began to explore the submissive side of me...let me tell you, I often struggled, and lots of it. With me, with him -- and I needed him to 'force' me because that made it okay. It wasn't me driving the action, and as he was driving the action he could not think poorly about me after or during play.

There are new experiences to be made here. It's experiences that are wonderful and scary at the same time, feelings that are very intense and which can span such a range of emotion. It is no wonder that you are nervous, and it is no wonder that your nervosity makes you tighten up. It has happened to others before, and others before you pulled through it. But most of all -- it is perfectly okay to feel that way. You are not disappointing anyone (but yourself, and you don't need to be). Sexuality is so much more than only the act of penetration, and if it takes time to get there (and, perhaps, getting to know your partner very well, to establish a bond of trust -- which I don't doubt you have, but I understand that you don't know each other all that long yet?) it takes time to get there. I know the feeling of not being able to 'perform' like you think you should perform is horrible, particularly if you actually WANT to do the thing in question. Yet, sometimes things don't work like we want them to work -- and that's okay. Knowing and believing that whatever happens, happens -- that whatever happens is okay usually helps me relax. Maybe it will help you too.

Second thing that really helps is arousal. Lots of it. Lots and lots and lots of it. That's why I'm not sure if trying it the vanilla way is the best way to go -- at least not if you feel aroused and comfortable in your fantasy scene. I mean, you should go the way you feel most comfortable with, and as others said before take away some pressure by not making the intercourse the explicit goal of the session. If it happens, great. If it doesn't -- well, you sure had some fun nonetheless. And that's what it is all about...feeling good, enjoying oneself and the other, having fun.

I too believe that practicing a little might help. If you enjoy yourself and become more used to the feeling of being penetrated -- and, more importantly, have some fond memories of it...well, if you know what you are dealing with, and if you know that it's pleasurable and not painful under the right circumstances -- nothing to be nervous about anymore, right?

Anyway, I wish you all the best and hope that everything will work out the way you want to really soon! I hope I was a little bit helpful.