What makes a good submissive....

[Master Godfather]

I thought this might shed some light on what some think it takes to be a good person as well as a good submissive. Thanks Raven for the input.


A lot of time has been spent discussing what makes a good submissive. What marks a submissive from a player or wannabe. Through these discussions the following is a list of traits that seem to be desired by a majority of Dominants. From my experiences, I feel that almost all of these traits are what makes a good person not just a successful submissive.

Many of these things intertwine with each other. But all are my personal beliefs of what makes a good submissive as well as a good person. Most of these can be applied to any relationship, not just those within BDSM.


Trust:
A submissive must be able to trust themselves, the choices they make and be able to trust others. This I feel is the most important of all traits. An overly wary or closed submissive, will have a more difficult time attaining a good relationship with a dominant. Being able to trust your instincts is necessary for a submissive, specially when looking for a dominant because your instincts will often tell you if something is not right. Listen to them because to ignore them can be dangerous.


Acceptance:
This is the ability to see and accept yourself for who and what you are, be they your good points or your bad ones. This includes knowing your limitations yet keeping the thought that things can change and knowing you will change as well. This is the ability to let yourself be who you are, to take pride and pleasure in the person you are, and not lose that acceptance because someone said you are not what you know you are.



Communication:
This is the ability to talk openly and honestly about what is in your heart and mind, your opinions and beliefs, your needs vs. your wants, your responses or reactions, basically to be able to talk about everything. This ability also calls into play the honesty of the submissive and the Dominant. Once open communication has been established it should remain that way and will do so provided the submissive does not stop communicating honestly. To not communicate is to endanger yourself physically (as well as emotionally). Communication need not always be verbal. Just so long as what you need to say to your partner, gets said to them, then the lines of communication stay open. For example, you may find a particular topic easier to write about in your journal and thus "tell" your partner that way. This is still communicating.

Courtesy (Manners):
This one is fairly self explanatory but many people have asked about it. Since the specifics of this one vary with each relationship, I will only address general manners. It is the ability to show proper courtesy by using please and thank you, addressing people with general respect and courtesy.

Grace:
This is another whose specifics vary with each relationship, but is basically the ability to not appear stilted or halting in your movements. I'm not sure this one is of major importance to many people, but I list it here anyway as it has come up frequently. Of course this may be affected by physical limitations that will reduce its importance.

Growth:
The ability to grow within yourself, look for and attain new goals. Be these mental, emotional or physical goals. The ability to continue to grow and sharpen your abilities is very important as it prevents the relationship from stagnating, helps you to grow as a submissive and thus discover new ways to please or serve your Dominant.

Honesty:
Personally I feel this shouldn't need to be said, but there are far too many people who lack honesty so it has to be said. Honesty is the ability to speak up, be open and truthful about what you say. Don't hide your emotions, fears, limits, fantasies, ideas and thoughts. Don't tell the dominant what you think he/she wants to hear. A successful submissive is an honest person, one who does not lie, deceive, or intentionally manipulate. Honesty builds trust. Trust is the basis of a relationship. To lie, breaks down the trust and therefore the relationship by removing it's very foundation.

Humility:
This is basically the ability to see yourself as fallible. A successful submissive knows they will make mistakes; that they are not perfect. A successful submissive admits his/her mistakes, and strives to correct them. Giving off an attitude of being better than anyone else, is not a desired trait. Having a sense of pride is good, but humility is necessary to prevent one from being arrogant.



Intelligence:
By intelligence I don't mean book smart, the ability to do long involved mathematical equations or pull apart and rebuild a computer. As it applies to a successful submissive intelligence is the ability to think for themselves. The ability to make informed decisions about who to submit to and just how far their submission goes. The ability to take the time to learn their partner outside the roles of Dominant and submissive, to learn them as the person they are, their likes and dislikes. The ability to learn what pleases their Dom and remember those things.

Loyalty:
This is a very important trait in a submissive. It is the ability to uphold your Dominants rules over anyone else. A successful submissive will not act in a manner that will raise doubts about his/her commitment to their Dominant. It is upholding your end of the agreement made with your partner to the best of your abilities. This can also mean standing by your partner when difficulties arise. This tends to come hand in hand with commitment and both are necessary for a long term relationship to survive.


Obedience:
This is exactly what is in every day life, the ability to do what you are told. Within a TPE or power exchange relationship this means willingly following the terms of your Dominant and doing what you are told. Willing obedience is pleasing to the submissive as well as the Dominant. This can directly relate to the person's submissiveness. A submissive does not obey because they fear their Dominant, they obey because they have an intense need to please the Dominant. This does not mean blind obedience (never questions anything). Specifics regarding obedience do vary with each relationship, but obeying one's Dominant is part of a power exchange relationship and is expected.



Open Mind:
This is the ability to view things with as little preset prejudice as possible. To maintain the ability to learn new things and be open to trying something new or different. It directly compliments Growth.

Patience:
That is the ability to wait for things. Being pushy is aggravating. This does not mean to push your most urgent needs aside, but to learn the difference between what is a necessity and what is not and to convey these things to the Dominant.

Pride: (self respect, self esteem)
This does not mean be arrogant, just the knowledge of your ability. Having a sense of pride in your abilities shows that you have a healthy sense of self esteem and your whole identity does not rely on another's point of view. A good submissive values themselves and respects their own limits. A solid sense of self esteem is a necessity for a submissive or they can become co-dependent upon the Dominant, relying on the Dominant for their own mental picture of themselves. Humility is part of this as well.

Respect:
The ability to show respect through one's tone of voice, manners and general attitude. A sub must respect their Dom (unless it is destroyed) and be respectful to others. This goes along with manners. Showing respect to one's Dominant should be at all times, and not just when the submissive feels like it. Yes, we have arguments in these relationships, but a submissive should strive to maintain a respectful demeanor even during such times.


Service:
Willingly completing tasks (sexual or otherwise) set for you by your Dominant. As well to apply your observations to the things you do to please your Dominant. Service usually points to those things outside of sexual ones and play (sessions). Such things as housework, cooking, and other things designed to make the home of the Dominant more pleasing to him/her. Service can include tasks set for you by the dominant which do not fall under household chores. Perhaps the household budgeting is one task the dominant sets upon you, cooking his/her favorite meal, and many other things can be service. Locating a favorite song of his on the internet, or some such item that means a great deal to him. Basically anything done with the direct intent to please the Dominant in some manner can be seen as service.

Submissiveness:
This can be taught or an inherent personality trait. This is the need to please others and by doing so pleasing yourself. As well, it is the ability to give in (so to speak) to another's control and feel content doing so. Submissiveness as a learned behavior does occur in BDSM relationships. This usually happens as the submissive gains experience and thus grows in their submission. However, if a person has to learn to submit against their natural inclinations not to, then submission is probably not for them.


GF

[SUBtly_shy]

Okay so I just finished reading your latest post I'm sitting here thinking wow I have a wonderful dom for being patience enough to let me work though things and grow into my own skin. I've known that I have things to work on but its nice to see from some one else's perspective.
Thank you for your post it gives me good goals to work to

[DowntownAmber]

Master Godfather, just a friendly suggestion that I appreciate as a writer (as do many others on this site, I'm sure): when a copyright protected article is cut and pasted from a different site, it is considered appropriate to point that out or even to link to its original source.

I know I sure do appreciate it when I write, and Raven did take the time to mention the same thing on his own site.

http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/subtraits.htm

[damyanti]

Yes, what Amber said...though now it also seems kind of pointless to disagree with your post.

Its beautifully written, it is. Its not that all those aren't worthy qualities to strive for, they are.

Still, it irks. It comes down to demanding perfection. Let me rephrase that, it comes down to expecting perfect submission on a platter. Not to mention some of your traits are negating of each other.

Perhaps I am just weary of debates brewing at this site for the past few days about how to be a "good" submissive, or trying to pin down who is the "true" submissive. I just find it all, no personal offense, a bit nauseous. Even so called nice guys, don't seem to want a real person, but an obedience machine...a perfect, obedient machine. And then they are actually surprised why I find them lacking and boring.

And while there seem to be a few here who have achieved such perfection, and I applaud them for their choice...to me perfection is a flaw itself.

I am a person who is submissive; not a submissive person. To me there is a distinction. While not perfect, I don't think there is anything wrong with the way I am. Perhaps I am the one who is mistaken...but where did you get the notion that being a submissive means fitting into someone else's mold of the way I should be? To me that just stinks of someone who is incapable to overpower me the way I am.



"Congratulations! You're not perfect! It's ridiculous to want to be perfect anyway. But then, everybody's ridiculous sometimes, except perfect people. You know what perfect is? Perfect is not eating or drinking or talking or moving a muscle or making even the teensiest mistake. Perfect is never doing anything wrong - which means never doing anything at all. Perfect is boring! So you're not perfect! Wonderful! Have fun! Eat things that give you bad breath! Trip over your own shoelaces! Laugh! Let somebody else laugh at you! Perfect people never do any of those things. All they do is sit around and sip weak tea and think about how perfect they are. But they're really not one-hundred-percent perfect anyway. You should see them when they get the hiccups! Phooey! Who needs 'em? You can drink pickle juice and imitate gorillas and do silly dances and sing stupid songs and wear funny hats and be as imperfect as you please and still be a good person. Good people are hard to find nowadays. And they're a lot more fun than perfect people any day of the week." ~Stephen Manes, Be a Perfect Person in Just Three Days!


"You see, when weaving a blanket, an Indian woman leaves a flaw in the weaving of that blanket to let the soul out." ~Martha Graham

"The imperfections of a man, his frailties, his faults, are just as important as his virtues. You can't separate them. They're wedded." ~Henry Miller

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"Certain flaws are necessary for the whole. It would seem strange if old friends lacked certain quirks." ~Goethe

And my favourite person to quote:

"The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four. Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye." ~Winston Churchill (Too bad, they don't make them like him anymore.)

[SubmissiveDoll]

The first line in his post is a site to Raven for writing the article.

***I thought this might shed some light on what some think it takes to be a good person as well as a good submissive. Thanks Raven for the input.***

If this was an updated edit, I'm sorry. But, I just wanted to point out that it was there.

[MacGuffin]

The first line in his post is a site to Raven for writing the article.

***I thought this might shed some light on what some think it takes to be a good person as well as a good submissive. Thanks Raven for the input.***

If this was an updated edit, I'm sorry. But, I just wanted to point out that it was there.

This just beggars the questions is it "input" and was reproduction authorized. I think comparing the two texts will answer the first question and of course only Raven and Godfather know the answer to the second.

[MacGuffin]

"You see, when weaving a blanket, an Indian woman leaves a flaw in the weaving of that blanket to let the soul out." ~Martha Graham

On a side note this is known as a "Persian Flaw". Persian carpet makers would always leave a deliberate flaw as an acknowledgement that man is fallible and only God is perfect. The habit also served to uniquely identify the maker and to make it harder to copy. British banknotes carry a persian flaw as a counter measure against counterfeiting. Some authors also use the technique with a deliberate spelling mistake. The British Intelligence Services have a different persian flaw on every memo distributed so should information be leaked they know who it came from. This technique can be handy when confiding in friends. Make a small change for each friend and then if somebody breaches the confidentiality you know who it was.

[chalsia]

wow, i'm soo glad there is a blueprint to be a *perfect* submissive, whatever would i do without it? Well perhaps i could grow and learn, to fall and stumble, to pick myself up or get helped up from others. What fun would that be? Do i want to be a good submissive, of course i do. Do i want to be a *perfect* submissive? heck no! I have absolutely no aspirations to be such a creature. Could it be perhaps that submission to each individual varies.. could it be that submission is different in the eyes of the beholder? I do truly hope so, because i would hate to walk around a bunch of perfect little robot submissive s. oh wait.. i forgot.. i heard somewhere that a submissive should not walk.. but only crawl.

[denuseri]

I don't belive he is saying "you suck" if you do not fit every single catagory described.

People have been creating codes of conduct, and behavior goals since before humanity could write.

Thier is nothing wrong with setting down some helpful goals to strive in achieving.

No one is perfect. It is impossible. the best any living breathing human being can do is approach an approximation of the level of perfection they themselves wish to be satisfied with.



Some might say in the end their are only two people I or any sub need please.

One's dominant...

...and one's self.

[manda]

I adree with Denuseri no one can be perfect. But I would certainly try for the right dom. But as mac said everyone has flaws and it's our flaws which make us interesting.

[Ragoczy]

Commenting not on the specifics first brought up, but on the concept of "perfection":

Unachievable ideals have been pretty common throughout history. It's the striving toward that goal that improves us, regardless of whether we do, or even can, achieve it.

[IAmCanadian]

"The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four. Sometimes in life they make five or minus three." - Winston Churchill

Ironic that this quote should appear in these forums. We just had a long thread on the idea of 2 + 2 = 5 in the context of BDSM.

Anyway, idealism and goal-setting has to be tempered by realism. The guiding star for a submissive should not be what the most discerning Master would want, according to consensus,
but only what she and her current Master wants. (This was said more eloquently above, by others.) That said, I think Master Godfather is aiming this post toward submissives who are
still trying to find the perfect Dom.

- FS

[Ozme52]

The first line in his post is a site to Raven for writing the article.

***I thought this might shed some light on what some think it takes to be a good person as well as a good submissive. Thanks Raven for the input.***

If this was an updated edit, I'm sorry. But, I just wanted to point out that it was there.

It was there... but it just isn't a matter of input... It was virtually (if not in fact) word for word (save for reordering a few paragraphs.)

[~faerie~]

i dont feel the need to be perfect. i am just me. i always do the best i can and try to learn from my mistakes. i'm a little on the feisty and quirky side, but He likes me just fine that way. He finds me endearing and cute. That is all that matters.
There is no perfect Dominant or submissive, you just have to find the one you click with.
no one ever said it was going to be quick or easy. lol nothing worth having ever is.