The essence of D/s?

[Tojo]

What do you see as the basic essentials of D/s- can you have a working relationship with a sub without play or sex?

Just curious what people think?

For months I've had one with a y/l I essentially 'own'- we've never really had much play, partly because of her age & also because she's lacked privacy til now.

Of course I'm one of those who believe you can have love without sex....

Tojo

[maddie]

I suppose it's possible, though I admit I've never thought about it. I do agree with you that it's entirely possible to have a functional relationship with a person without having sex; I'm sure there are lots of couples who, for whatever reason don't include sex in the relationship. While that may seem inconceivable to some people around here, I don't necessarily think it's a big deal.

I guess what I'd wonder is what a D/s relationship would involve if it doesn't involve sex at all. I suppose it'd be like any other sort of relationship without sex; it's just that I've come to assume a D/s situation includes sex.

[chattel69]

I just got out of a 3 year relationship with a Dom last year. We started out as Dom/sub with no sex and things were fine in the beginning but we soon realized it wasn't really working. The relationship continued as friends and companions but the D/s just didn't work out.

Although I don't think D/s has to involve sex all the time, it is still a component which is very important.

[mina]

I definitely think you can. What about all the asexuals out there? Just because sex doesn't interest them doesn't mean the thought of owning someone holds no interest for them either. Of course... it would be much less fun without play or sex, to me at least, but everyone's interests and wants are different. I also believe you can have love without sex... Well I couldn't, but just look at Xena and Gabby!

[animanota]

The Greeks have 3 words for explaining love

1. A godly love or a unquestioning and total love to a higher power.

2. Brotherly love or the love/relationships between friends and family.

3. Erotic love or love of a sexual nature.

I believe that you can feel any of these or any combination of these towards people. Or in special cases you can have all 3. They are all seperate feelings. I feel all 3 towards my wife. They are all seperate feelings but they combine to make her the love of my life.

[Silke]

Hmm...yes, I think it's possible. To a lot of people D/s seems to be just about control/being controlled and that doesn't necessarily have to involve sex, right? And what about people who have a vanilla relationship and parallel to that they serve an online or r/l Master or have a sub? Those don't necessarily involve sex...at least not in the classic sense of intercourse. Seems that a lot of BDSM stuff is non sexual anyway...pain? humiliation? They're not about sex essentially?

So, yeah...I think it's possible. But to me personally, there would always be something missing if this was the only relationship I was in. I love sex too much to go without it for a long time.

[cariad]

Oh I am quite sure it possible have a D/s relationship without sex, and am sure most to the great ones have at least started that way.

For me, I am not sure it could continue that way, because it is just so darn sexy to be controlled......

But perhaps that just reflects my personal weakness for the Dominant male........ (going off into a happy muse).

To turn the question around though, I would not wish to find myself in a relationship where D/s was only evidenced in a sexual context.

cariad

[_ID_]

Interesting question. I guess it depends on the level of the relationship. For instance. Tojo, you indicate this submissive that you own, you are not in any kind on sexual relationship with her. This would be partly due to you being married to your wife I assume, and your devotion to your wife keeps you from making the relationship with the submissive sexual (just an assumption).

I have played with many submissives, and each time I play with one that is not my wife/slave, the play, although sexual in nature, does not involve sex. However, your talking about a D/s relationship vs a M/s relationship. The dynamics of each are quite different. In a D/s relationship it submissive is there for the servitude and submission, and some D/s relationships do not include any physical punishment, only mental, or chores.

So can a D/s relationship exist without sex? Yes, but as the level of the relationship increases, I would guess the people involved would desire to include areas of intimacy that one would normally expect when in a long term relationship.

[Ozme52]

Everything is D/s in some way or another. We work for someone and we 'obey' their directives. If someone works for you, they obey your directives.

Pecking order in social clubs, even the PTA. I'd bet even your ordinary friendships involve some sort of leader/follower relationship.

So, when extending it to D/s in this context, yes, it includes sex. Even if you never touch or meet or play online. Because for at least one of you, (and I'd argue both,) behind it all there is an accompanying sexual tension.

[nastywolf]

I am to new in this to make a longer comment.
But maybe it depends on what sex means to u.
Relation without having intercourse - well - the world is full of that.
But - humilating / been humilated - doesn't it feel sexy - (just one example)

[dzire2pleeze]

I am speaking only for myself. Wish I could find a Dominant who didn't almost immediately, upon initial contact, want to play at having sex. I don't play well, unless of course i'm joking around.

D/s to me is first and foremost a relationship. Otherwise it is merely (and excuse my language) sportfucking or abuse. For me, sex begins and stays in the mind, not between my legs. While I do not mind the phsycial aspects, I am much more aroused by the psychological manipulation.

So while I believe there are those that require sexual contact, I do not believe it is always necessary to culminate a relationship and make it whole. It is rather the icing on the cake, so to speak. But it is not the cake itself.

[Tojo]

Damn that was a good post dtp- you & Mina have hit the nail right on the head as far as I'm concerned.

To me D/s is about power, about ownership of another person to whatever degree you both agree on. I believe that while the sex could be pretty damn amazing, I think the essence is in the control.

I liken a D/s relationship to a straight one, in that you'd be pretty damn shallow to meet someone, & say 'Hi I'm Dave, lie down so I can have sex with you'

Yes IDCrewDawg, it is because of my wife in a r/l D/s relationship, but I have no qualms about sex play online. lisa & I have dabbled a little in sex play, but up til now she hasn't had privacy at the PC & as I said she's very young. She's also had a big trust issue, it's taken more than 7 months before she started believing I'm with her for good.

I also don't want to have her become dependant on me, to the point where she misses out on experiences with people her age. She's free to do anything, as long as it doesn't involve D/s play.

What's most important to me is that she grows as a person, & lives her life as she should.

Tojo

[frankee]

Damn that was a good post dtp- you & Mina have hit the nail right on the head as far as I'm concerned.

To me D/s is about power, about ownership of another person to whatever degree you both agree on. I believe that while the sex could be pretty damn amazing, I think the essence is in the control.

I liken a D/s relationship to a straight one, in that you'd be pretty damn shallow to meet someone, & say 'Hi I'm Dave, lie down so I can have sex with you'

Yes IDCrewDawg, it is because of my wife in a r/l D/s relationship, but I have no qualms about sex play online. lisa & I have dabbled a little in sex play, but up til now she hasn't had privacy at the PC & as I said she's very young. She's also had a big trust issue, it's taken more than 7 months before she started believing I'm with her for good.

I also don't want to have her become dependant on me, to the point where she misses out on experiences with people her age. She's free to do anything, as long as it doesn't involve D/s play.

What's most important to me is that she grows as a person, & lives her life as she should.

Tojo

i[FONT="Century Gothic"][B] too prefer a D/s relationship to a straight one.
i enjoy that i want to submit myself and be owened by my Mistress, giving myself to Her, satisfying Her every whim and having Her dominate me.
i can only speak for myself, but all these feelings start in the mind and heart.
She arouses my senses first and foremost then the my body follows


Tojo,
i have to say, you are one of the sweetest men i have ever come across.
Your girls are lucky to have you.

[frankee]

good god i did it again lol

[dzire2pleeze]

thank you for the compliment Tojo and I agree with Frankee and might add, you appear to be a man of integrity as well.

[Tojo]

That's lovely, thanks guys.


Tojo

[Tojo]

oops