a little advice please?

[jynxa29]

i apologize in advance for my rant. so i have had a submissive streak pretty much forever. i have met some great people in my area who are like minded, and we always have fun when we get together. this has made me realize that i want a serious relationship with a very Dominant man, someone who will tie me up, spank me, abuse me, control me, allow me to please him. and now the plot thickens... i have a new boss. who i am sleeping with. who happens to be a very dominant man who is very sexual, and demanding. He likes to tie me up, spank me, and just generally abuse me. He is a sadist, and i love it. He is also just as strict and demanding in the office. so this would be a perfect full time thing in my eyes, and He encourages my affection towards him. He teases me all the time, He knows how much i want Him, how much i like it when He tells me what to do.
but here's the thing. He REFUSES to hang out "in the scene" and talk to people about bdsm. He says bdsm isn't his thing. and this coming from a man tells me when i can orgasm, what i can wear, that i should please Him without question, and punishes me if i disobey, rewards me when i'm good. but He won't go to fetish night. i just wish He would go, so we could see more things, get new ideas, go to shibaricon, be around people who get us, have some idea of how to set rules and boundaries, and belong to a community of sorts, or at least get some ideas about how to keep this relationship going. does anyone have any ideas how to suggest this to Him, or encourage Him to go? or at least be more receptive to the idea of making friends with similar tastes?
whew! sorry that took so long.

[little kitty]

The guy I used to be with had very particular sexual interests and wants that resembled those of a Daddy Dom. However, he refused being interested in BDSM. To him, he just believed that relationships worked better when women are submissive to their men.

There are many ways BDSM is practiced, maybe your boss has misconceptions. Maybe he's worried you are going to take him somewhere where everyone is in tight, shiny leather and chains. I think the best thing to do is just to talk to him about it. Tell him that you want to go be social (and open about your sexuality) somewhere where the people don't look strangely at you for your sexual interests.

He should at least try it, if you guys go somewhere and he feels uncomfortable/out of place you two can always leave.

[suchaminx]

How about asking him to come here, to maybe come into the chat room and as little kitty says maybe he would see that we aren't all about tight shiny leather and chains..... although those things can be good *winks*

Having said that - I don't believe you can 'force' him to do anything - But maybe get him to read your post and explain that there isn't anything 'wrong' with what he is doing but that exploring further together might just be fun

Good luck and let us know how it goes

minxy

[Flaming_Redhead]

There are any number of reasons why he's refusing to be "in the scene." It sounds like he's in denial about who he is and what he wants. He probably has misconceptions about BDSM and the people who practice it. He may be afraid that someone might recognize him and "out" him. Maybe he's been "in the scene" before and didn't like it. Instead of working on a way to "make"" him go, why don't you try asking him why he's so opposed to it?

[fetishdj]

I agree with some of the above and would add that 'making' someone do something is not the best way to go about things like this. You have to be aware that any level of forcing from you risks alienating him from the scene altogether - he is more likely to back away than enjoy anything.

Communication is a way to start and then start small - forums and chatrooms to start, then suggesting a munch and maybe some other 'apparently vanilla' activities with people who happen to be kinky - bowling, cinema, restaurants. In both the latter, general conversations would lead him to realise that these people are just like him - they dress in normal clothes most of the time, talk about their kids and jobs and the car and what they saw on tele last night and so on. Once you get that understanding, taking it to the next step should be easier. If that doesn't happen, at least you have some level of a social life with kinky people.

One thing that may concern him is that he may think he is too old for 'nightclubs' which is what fetish nights are percieved as sometimes (sometimes correctly but othertimes not). If he is over 30 this may well be the case and be the source of his reluctance.

[jynxa29]

Instead of working on a way to "make"" him go, why don't you try asking him why he's so opposed to it?

sorry, i guess i didn't clarify very well. i have asked, and he gives a non detailed response of "it's just not my thing" and that's where the discussion ends, even if i ask more questions.

it isn't that i want to "make" him go, i just am sad that he doesn't realize what a wonderful opportunity there is to expand horizons. i showed some pictures from shibaricon, and he was really impressed ,and said he would love to try that with me. but if he won't go to shibaricon, or hang with people who know about rope bondage, how can he ever learn to do it? i wouldn't be so frustrated about it if he had hadn't expressed interest in so many bdsm related activites. but honestly, you have learn from somewhere, but you have to go to that somewhere to learn. i just wish i could let him see how much opportunity there is in bdsm

[deekay]

i have a similar deal w/ my Master/ Hubby He is into it but will never come on here cause it is not His thing. We have agreed that i can come on here and learn things then write research paper for Him about new and interesting ideas i have learned. So far this has worked for us and i am hoping that in time He will just walk through that chat room door.

[Flaming_Redhead]

Well, if he doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't want to learn, the relationship will soon stagnate. I guess the real question is how long it's going to take before you "outgrow" him. Frankly, I have to wonder about a "dominant" with no initiative.

[DowntownAmber]

Sexuality for some folks just happens to be more of a private than a public discussion topic. Many folks in the Lifestyle are more open within our own communities, but not everyone wants to chat beyond the single partner they're sharing their bed with. Many folks also don't care for labels such as Dom, sub, or BDSM - perhaps they have a skewed idea of what BDSM means, or just consider themselves a little on the kinky side as opposed to committing to something as all encompassing as a "Lifestyle." I'm not so sure his reluctance to go public (even if it's only public within the community) is a sign he's closed-minded or lacks initiative, perhaps he just prefers to keep things between the two of you.

There are plenty of online sites that explain simple to more intricate rope bondage, some with video tutorials, and other "read only" instructions for activities that just the two of you can look at. Not everyone wants their bedroom business to be a community affair, but perhaps those activities will warm him up to at least being comfortable with asking questions and doing some more extensive research on the topic with other folks in the know.

[fetishdj]

I think Amber gets it right here. Skewed perceptions of the lifestyle may cause many to shun it. Before I really understood the scene as well as I do now, I had images that it was mainly a gay thing. Also many focus on the obvious overtures of sex, pain and bindage rather than the subtler undertones of control, eroticism and sensuality. The first three are scary and wierd while at least two of the final three are more acceptable but less well known.

[Ozme52]

...and amber is also right in that exhibitionism, (which can mean just talking about it in public,) is in and of itself a kink.

Just because it isn't his kink doesn't mean he isn't ready to be fully involved with you jynx.

Think of it as a hard limit and people wouldn't necessarily be on his case (on your behalf.)

In the vanilla world, the majority of people are exclusively self taught fuckers. And the vanilla world doesn't mind. So if we in the bdsm world happen to encounter people who prefer their privacy, should we be any less accommodating?

[Zarine13]

the majority of people are exclusively self taught fuckers.

Sorry to interrupt, but that made me LOL for some reason.

[Ozme52]

Sorry to interrupt, but that made me LOL for some reason.

heheh... Glad you enjoyed it.

[Flaming_Redhead]

i have asked, and he gives a non detailed response of "it's just not my thing" and that's where the discussion ends, even if i ask more questions.

There's nothing wrong with being a private person. However, if he's so "private" that he won't even discuss what y'all are doing...with the person he's fucking (which, in my mind, is suppoedly an intimate thing)...well...he's just a little too uptight IMO.

[Dr_BuzzCzar]

Here's another view or two:

Maybe you have met an actual honest-to-the-gods Alpha that doesn't really give a rat's ass about this Thing That We Do and the forms and conventions that we follow. Just maybe he has no interest whatsoever in learning on your terms but is comfortable enough in his own skin to do things his way and expand and learn as he sees fit.

Conversely, maybe he's uncomfortable with this part of him and is afraid to admit that he really is a dominant with sadistic tendencies. It can be scary to come to grips with this stuff and admitting who and what you are.

Note: I assume this man is not married and is free to be seen anywhere he chooses with you in tow?

[DowntownAmber]

There's nothing wrong with being a private person. However, if he's so "private" that he won't even discuss what y'all are doing...with the person he's fucking (which, in my mind, is suppoedly an intimate thing)...well...he's just a little too uptight IMO.

You're right on there - communication within a relationship is essential to the health of the coupling.

jynxa, I didn't get the impression that your man is a shy person talking about the relationship between the two of you, but that he shuts down on the discussions specifically dealing with you wanting to participate in the larger community. (Please correct me if I'm wrong, this is just my impression.) Although I didn't sense any outright accusatory overtones in your approach to this or to him, it's clear that you think he's missing out and is not partaking in activities that would be good for him. Subtle as that attitude may be, perhaps that's coming across to him as you thinking he's "wrong" or there's something "silly" or "stupid" about the fact that it's not really his cup of sadistic tea. Perhaps he feels that he has to defend what seems like to him a perfectly rational attitude, and no one likes to have to play on the defense.

Perhaps take a different approach with him and instead of asking questions or launching conversations that nudge him into the BDSM collective, ask him how he would like to approach more intricate rope bondage, or what his suggestions are to furthering your sexual activities. What does he come up with?