Aftercare

[Jennifer Williams]

I've heard this mentioned in a few threads recently and it got me to thinking. We talk a lot about events leading up to a session (how to find a dom, how to keep a dom, how to task a sub, ect), PLENTY about what to do during a session, but almost nothing at all about what happens after.

For me, at least, it is very, very important to show my sub deep affection afterwards. It doesn't have to be verbal, but he always curls up in my arms and I usually pet his head and tell him what a wonderful job he did until he falls asleep. And he'll usually mumble something that includes the word "love" in it, though he's not usually very coherent afterwards.

While the session itself provides sexual satisfaction, it's this after-care that provides the emotional satisfaction, the bonding of love that makes our relationship strong. It's even more important when something doesn't go well; he needs reassurance that though I might be disappointed with the moment or the evening, I'm not disappointed with him as a whole.

I wanted to know what other people do after the session (whether or not it included sex). Is aftercare very important to you, not important, or downright a burden to you? Do you need it, just like it, or don't particularly care?

[Matin]

Need it, love it, like it...

For me it depends on what the sub needs, but mostly it tends to be me very carefully cleaning up any mess - including her lol - and then possibly bathing her if necessary, and then just cuddling to sleep.

I especially like what you said about "..even more important when something doesn't go well..." I think that bonding phase is critical. We are sometimes engaged in activities that her mind can easily interpret as abuse on some level, after the fact. The cuddling helps alleviate that. Subs have complained to me of a feeling of insecurity after a scene. One liked to sleep tied up, said it made her feel safer. Tied up and cuddled.

It's good for me too, because sometimes I'm left feeling rather clinical after a scene, esp if it involved pain using instruments.

Nice thread.
-matin

[brwneydgirl]

For me, at least, it is very, very important to show my sub deep affection afterwards.

Is it important to you *because* it's important to him? In other words, if he wasn't particularly into it...didn't NEED it, could you be okay with that too?

Does the importance change if you're in a "session" with someone you're not in a "relationship" with...casual play partners for instance (Not specifically you, JW...but just a general question to the masses)?

[Jennifer Williams]

That is a good point, brwneydgirl. I suppose I should have said it's important to us, because we do have a relationship and so how it is interpreted afterwards by us both is very important. It's different too because we've been in a relationship for a long time, so the level of trust is higher than for people just starting out. When things were new between us and there was a lot of "brake-slamming" going on (stopping in the middle of a session because something went wrong), we found it even more important to talk about what happened, why it happened, and most importantly, that it didn't change how we felt about each other (sex is delicious but it's not why I love you type of conversations).

I suppose for people who are just interested in playing around and not a serious commitment type of thing, aftercare would be less important. I certainly did less of it when I was with other subs whom I cared less about (those relationships never lasted very long, but boy were they hot).

I think that bonding phase is critical. We are sometimes engaged in activities that her mind can easily interpret as abuse on some level, after the fact.

I completely agree.

[denuseri]

The last thing I want to do afterwards is be all cuddely dudlely. It drives me crazy. Especially if it was a really intence session, when all I want is to be untied so I can pace for a bit lol. I don't need nor do I want the dom getting all cozey squishy or weepy. (used to be pace and smoke but alas Ive quit finally thanks to my Owner) So for me its a just let me go do my thing I will come find you if I need you for assistance kind of thing.

However I do reccomend that one keep some form of hydration available, first aide supplies and a blanket around in case they are needed, and be willing and ready to provide aftercare as nessesary.

[openyoureyes]

I need and want the aftercare. The more things we try and the further I push my boundaries, the more I will find myself overwhelmed. There have been times after a session where I will lay there, feeling fine, and the next minute my eyes well up and it takes a few minutes to regain my composure. I definitely agree that some part of our brains can interpret what's happening as abuse (especially if something hurts more than we were expecting it to), which makes aftercare very important.

I think it also depends on the relationship. Some subs may not need any aftercare, others may only need physical reassurance, and others might need to be talked to and verbally reassured.

[Jennifer Williams]

However I do reccomend that one keep some form of hydration available, first aide supplies and a blanket around in case they are needed,

You know to me that was obvious, but I guess it isn't to everyone. Physical needs do have to be taken care of immediately, of course. I also find skin lotion or aloe vera to usually be needed for raw skin.

and be willing and ready to provide aftercare as nessesary.

Also a good point; a dom's responsiblity doesn't end with untying the sub; if you don't live together I think it's irresponsible to simply cut the ropes and leave.

[brwneydgirl]

others may only need physical reassurance, and others might need to be talked to and verbally reassured.

I think this is an important point too...aftercare can take all forms, from a brief conversation and a glass of water to cuddles and sweet whispers throughout the night. I guess just being left alone to figure your own self out is also a form of aftercare...in that you're getting your needs met, one way or the other. *shrugs* (I have zero experience with this...so I'm flying by the seat of my pants on this one)

At any rate, I tend to believe that I'd fall somewhere in between...I'd probably need more than a high-five (which I HAVE experienced as "aftercare" if you can believe that!) but less than all night cuddling.

Then again, what the F do I know?

[AnticipatingPain]

Aftercare for me has changed as I have evolved as a submissive.

I used to need my own space, time to come down on my own and in my own way. I didn't like to be touched as my body was still too heightened.

Now I need the physical interaction, to be held, soothed, to be talked too in a loving & reassuring way. Plenty of fluids & something sweet are a must for me too, I think my blood sugars drop dramatically. As I wouldn't be able to walk safely in a straight line lol.

Maybe the change in my need around aftercare has more to do with just 'playing' previously to now being in a proper loving relationship.

[devilishsub]

I usually need a little space, followed by some cuddling, followed by some snacks. This usually goes along with a discussion of what went on, what could be better, likes/dislikes. Even though Master and I have been together for a few years those conversations are really helpful/important and are absolutely necessary when trying anything new.

[fetishdj]

I think Jennifer's post is interesting from the PoV that it is a female Domme and a male sub... You see, there has been a lot of discussion on aftercare in the past (she may have missed it, but the discussion does recur every now and again and sometimes it crops up as part of another discussion in a 'in this scene you have described, what aftercare did you do?' sort of way where it is easy to miss). However, the majority of it has always been 'Male Dom, female sub' orientated. And here we are treading into stereotype territory becasue, as we all know, women are emotional and needy and therefore need to be hugged after any sexual contact whereas men just want to get the hell out of the bed, head home (because they have a breakfast meeting in the morning, honest...) and look for their next conquest...

And, of course, Den and Jennifer's posts both belie this stereotype... Here we have a woman who wants to be left alone and a man who (presumably, from the description, wants to be hugged). As both are subs, you can't even say it is a sub Dom thing...

Different people have different responses and, more importantly, different responses to different people and activities. Even considering basic, vanilla sex an individual can have a different emotional response even to sex with the same person on different occasions so when you throw in the extra emotions played with in BDSM, well there is a plethora of possible responses.

I think the important thing about aftercare is that you consider it and are prepared to do whatever the other person wants to do. If they want to be left alone, do it. If they want a hug, do it. Of course, this often means that there are conflicting wants though in my experience, where I want to be left alone, what usually occurs is that I see the hugging as part of the session - it is her aftercare but not mine - then I go and be alone for a bit for my aftercare.

Talking about it is an essential part of the process, however, no matter what your preference for emotional needs. It allows you to learn what worked and what did not work. Though it does not need to be immediate. It could be the next day, after some reflection, and need not even be talking (because some feel shy about talking about sex) but could be written in some form.

Basic first aid and cleaning is also important. Make sure there are no untreated open wounds that could get infected, ensure there is no damage or trauma that is serious enough to possibly require hospitalisation and so on.

[skittish doe]

Does anyone think it is silly to want aftercare (in a discussion format) after an online interaction? Perhaps my definition is incorrect and this detailed discussion is simply that and not really aftercare at all.

[Ozme52]

skittish,

Getting "talked down" in the absence of physical contact seems very reasonable to me.

[Ozme52]

I think that aftercare can take many forms, I like to have my sub do the clean-up, in my presence, hearing what a good girl she is, taking care of my need to remain focused. It helps her retain her submissive orientation.

Don't think me cold, she then gets to sit at my feet, gets petted, lots of attention, but it's received within her submission, and is far more restorative in her case. For me as well. I too have expended energy, both physical and psychic. I too am dealing with hormones and body chemistry flooding my veins. Her attentions restore me as well.

I learned that without that feedback, I am vaguely disatified after a scene. Nothing I can put my finger on, just a general letdown. But aftercare that is totally focused on the submissive/bottom takes me out of my role... and then we both feel "off".

So we see aftercare as something that requires a fine balance between the submissive's needs and the dominant's needs.

[Jennifer Williams]

Does anyone think it is silly to want aftercare (in a discussion format) after an online interaction? Perhaps my definition is incorrect and this detailed discussion is simply that and not really aftercare at all.

I don't think it's silly at all if it's a need that either you or your Dom has (yes, we need feedback, too). Even something as simple as "Was it good?" is important and qualifies as aftercare to me.

[kurious25]

My post last night never posted, but I what I said was echoed here already. I find my needs for aftercare are situation dependent. At times I need to spring out of bed and remain in a more submissive space, getting my Dom a wet washcloth to wipe him down with or bringing snacks to the bed and serving him. At other times I'm so spent and spaced that I just want the glass of water and to be left alone to float for awhile. Because we have been together so long Sir can tell when I'm in a twitchy "leave me to pace" space and when I'm in place where he can pet me and we can talk and cuddle space.

Personally I find my need for aftercare has decreased with my Dom as our relationship has developed. Perhaps that is because I know now that he doesn't judge me negatively or ever want to harm me in anyway. When I was new I needed alot more aftercare, but I was very unsure of myself and what I wanted then.

[MistressMallory]

This may sound funny, but do any of the Dom/mes out there feel that They need some aftercare Themselves after a scene, particularly trying or not? I am not a sexual person (that may sound weird, but it's true) and I don't crave sexual interaction, but I know My Pet wants it and I do have a very sadistic, twisted side that enjoys hearing, touching, tasting, seeing her pleasure and being involved in it. It's almost like an out-of-body thing, like I am somehow getting off through her and with her, and it is arousing to Me. On the other hand, I often feel pressed to "perform" because her sex drive is very high, and while I am 95% Dominant, there is the 5% submissive in Me that wants to please everyone around Me. SO in the spirit of not wanting to let her down, I often find Myself engaging in scenes and things that I'm not pouring My heart into, or pouring My heart into things because it's the only way for Me to feel that I'm a satisfying partner.

That being said, I often come away from a scene feeling a bit frightened by My level of sadism, disgusted by things I have done to pleasure her (not because they are disgusting things, but because I didn't 100% want to do them), or otherwise disappointed in the scene (for example, I feel that I didn't give her as many orgasms as I had wanted, etc). I am no longer able to cum after W/we engage in a scene, or in fact at ANY time (lately), with or without her help. I am feeling very left out of the sexual side of our relationship because I envy her ability to cum, and I feel that what I need to hear (reassurances that she enjoyed it, etc) are not as forthcoming as I'd like.

I don't know if there are any other Dom/mes in this or similar situations, who have felt that They need some kind of attention from Their subs (once any serious issues with the sub have been cleared up, that is) in the form of reassurance, reciprocal pleasure, etc. After all, Domming is a lot of work, IMHO.

Thoughts?

[Jennifer Williams]

Yes, I do need reassurance sometimes, though for me I'd rather wait, sometimes a few days, before discussing a session in which I felt uncertain about something (and in the meantime I'll avoid doing that thing which I am uncertain about). Directly after a session I do ask my little one "Did you feel good?" or something simple along those lines, but he's not capable of conversation directly after. I find that my aftercare is simply making sure that he's okay (especially his neck because he has issues with his discs there); once he's peacefully asleep then I'm free to savor the lingering deliciousness and replay the session in my mind.

And then fall asleep myself. I spend a lot of energy during a session; I need to sleep after!

But I can certainly see a Dom needing aftercare, and as Oz said, it would be nice if the sub could provide that service.

[Matin]

This may sound funny, but do any of the Dom/mes out there feel that They need some aftercare Themselves after a scene, particularly trying or not?

(snip) and I feel that what I need to hear (reassurances that she enjoyed it, etc) are not as forthcoming as I'd like.

I don't know if there are any other Dom/mes in this or similar situations, who have felt that They need some kind of attention from Their subs (once any serious issues with the sub have been cleared up, that is) in the form of reassurance, reciprocal pleasure, etc. After all, Domming is a lot of work, IMHO.

Thoughts?

I think that in every relationship both partners have needs. In only serving your partners needs, you are doing neither of you any favors. Note I said 'serving'.

I would work on coming to terms with what exactly it is that YOU need, and incorporate that into your scenes. It sounded to me like your sex life is spent satisfying your sub. That's fine, really, but what is being done for you? The phrase "Taken for Granted" just came to mind...

[Lisais mine]

I think that aftercare can take many forms, I like to have my sub do the clean-up, in my presence, hearing what a good girl she is, taking care of my need to remain focused. It helps her retain her submissive orientation.

Don't think me cold, she then gets to sit at my feet, gets petted, lots of attention, but it's received within her submission, and is far more restorative in her case. For me as well. I too have expended energy, both physical and psychic. I too am dealing with hormones and body chemistry flooding my veins. Her attentions restore me as well.

I learned that without that feedback, I am vaguely disatified after a scene. Nothing I can put my finger on, just a general letdown. But aftercare that is totally focused on the submissive/bottom takes me out of my role... and then we both feel "off".

So we see aftercare as something that requires a fine balance between the submissive's needs and the dominant's needs.

oz, i totally used the idea of having my girl claen up before we went off to cuddle, and i think it worked very well for helping her maintain herself after the scene. thank you, brother

[fetishdj]

There is still a need for aftercare in online, though the need may be less physical and pressing. Reassurance and comfort can be verbal/typed as much as communicated physically.

[flying66]

usually I prefer if we sit on the floor so I can curl up into a puddle in his lap... he'll hold me and stroke my hair and tell me what a 'good girl' I've been and how I 'work so hard to please her Master' and uh... yup.

[13'sbadkitty]

Oz, He has me clean up as well (if i can't walk then when i can) and i never thought of it as anything other than He told me a very long time ago its my job to do so...never questioned He may have a reason for it...thanks for that.

i don't find my needs for aftercare are consistent anymore with exception to cleaning up and a snack anyways. i do think W/we always cuddle but W/we do most nights anyway. i know though if there was a problem, like i got overwhelmed or made a mistake that upset Him than i definitely need to be reassured. it was a lot of reassuring me for a long time before i felt good enough for Him to begin with and that has seemed to dissipate for the most part thank god. i have found though what i call "post play vulnerability" can last for a day or 2 if the session was particularly rough or W/we did something that i didn't know what He was looking for.