Relationships and Friendships

[rosebud]

Just something open for discussion, if anyone is interested...

i imagine, we've all heard and read at sometime or another, about relationships, where cheating and lying has occured.
my questions are concerning friendships...If you knew a friend or relative was being cheated on...as awkward as it may seem,
would you say anything about it? Has a friendship ever been lost because, nothing was said? How do you handle something
like that? Do you just let it go, ignore it? If you were cheating and found out your sig. other was also, did that sort of let you
off the hook, so to speak and/or make it more acceptable? If it was your friend who was doing the cheating, was any advice
given against it? Were you ever asked Not, to say anything? Would you want to know?

ok, i know, i know...i'm done, now! Lol...

Thx,
xx rosie

[tina2008]

It depends. First, define cheating; IRL, online, a hug, lunch/dinner with someone other than their SO?

What if the couple has an open relationship and hasn't necessarily advertised this (remember, we aren't always privy to all agreements)?

Okay, on to your question. What would I do? I'd think about what I've typed above. If I'm unsure of their relationship dynamic, I wouldn't say a word. But, that's just me.

[rosebud]

^ Ahhhh...Ok.

The couple is in a known monogamous relationship and cheating will be defined as,
any act of dishonesty or unfaithfulness in a sexual manner, either IRL or Online.

[tina2008]

^ Ahhhh...Ok.

The couple is in a known monogamous relationship and cheating will be defined as,
any act of dishonesty or unfaithfulness in a sexual manner, either IRL or Online.

Well hell.....that's a tough question. Not sure what I'd do. Sigh....I'm no help at all, am I? Sorry

[rosebud]

Lol....*hugsss*

[ropekitty]

Hate to be a buzz kill but you can be poly and cheat. . . and then the next question is: what is considered sex?

It's a case of damned if you do, damned if you don't. I personally would be my first choice to not get involved with someone's relationship. That is their business not mine. If I knew my friend was going to get hurt, I'd feel bad and might send subtle Hints their way that something is up, but out right telling them would most likely not happen. Most likely doesn't mean never.

It's something that I take as one case at a time, I have no real rules of thumb except to not get involved where I'm not needed/wanted.

~RK~

[rosebud]

Hate to be a buzz kill but you can be poly and cheat. . .

Yes, and although poly, wasn't the "scenario" i was giving, i agree. Cheating to some - may and can be - any agreed upon rules,
that have been broken in a sexual or non-sexual manner.

If I knew my friend was going to get hurt, I'd feel bad and might send subtle Hints their way that something is up, but out right telling them would most likely not happen. Most likely doesn't mean never.

Subtle Hints, is still saying something and that was some of the replies i received, when i asked the same questions outside of the Forums...
Thx *smiles*

[redsim]

That is a difficult question but I believe that you should be loyal to your friends above all else. I would tell them because they should hear it from someone who cares about them. I think it would be less painful in the long run. He or she may hate you for it but at least you know did the right thing. I had this situation a few years ago and my friend and me have never been closer because she knows I am there for her. staying out of it is just a way to shirk your duty.

[openyoureyes]

Just something open for discussion, if anyone is interested...

i imagine, we've all heard and read at sometime or another, about relationships, where cheating and lying has occured.
my questions are concerning friendships...If you knew a friend or relative was being cheated on...as awkward as it may seem,
would you say anything about it?

Sadly, I've been in this situation on several occasions. I honestly don't think I would tell the friend, but I may talk to the person who is cheating. For the most part, though, I believe it is up to the people in the relationship to deal with their relationship. This may seem harsh, but I've been burned before by meddling and getting in the middle of things.

Has a friendship ever been lost because, nothing was said? How do you handle something
like that? Do you just let it go, ignore it?

No, but a friendship was lost because I did say something, and another was badly hurt because of a confrontation I had with the cheater.

If you were cheating and found out your sig. other was also, did that sort of let you
off the hook, so to speak and/or make it more acceptable?

No. Cheating is a hard issue. I can't say I'd never cheat, I don't think any of us knows what we're capable of until we're knee-deep in it, but if I were to ever cheat on someone I was with I would be devastated and finding that they were also cheating would only make the devastation worse. I wouldn't feel justified.

If it was your friend who was doing the cheating, was any advice
given against it? Were you ever asked Not, to say anything? Would you want to know?

Yes, I've had a few friends who have cheated on their significant others. I always advise against it but I try not to get into other peoples business and I try my best not to judge them, but it's been very hard when I've seen people close to me get hurt.

My sister cheated on her husband many years ago and when it all came to a head I saw first hand what something like that could do to someone. I've also had close friends cheat or be cheated on and it's never pretty, but it's also not usually any of my business.

Personally, if someone knew my boyfriend was cheating on me, I'd want to know, but I don't know that I'd want to hear it from them... I remember hearing after my ex and I split that my sister's friend saw him shopping with another woman while we were still together and thought something was up but didn't tell me. If they had told me, I don't know that I would have believed them, and I think the end result would have been the same.

[Ozme52]

^ Ahhhh...Ok.

The couple is in a known monogamous relationship and cheating will be defined as,
any act of dishonesty or unfaithfulness in a sexual manner, either IRL or Online.

Yeah... but so am I... to the outside vanilla world. Privately we are open. We don't swing (or at least, not together,) nor do we play with any mutual friends or acquaintances.

We agreed on "don't ask - don't tell" and while if we were to "begin again" we might do it differently, on the other hand, you don't mess with 30+ years of success.

So if you were a vanilla friend and were to "discover" I or my wife were having an affair... and came and told the other of us, your news would be unwelcome.

Very unwelcome. It's not your business unless you are specifically asked. Then and only then do you have the right to divulge your knowledge and only if you are primarily the friend of one side of the couple and not the other. Even then, I'd be wary. If you value the friendship you, as the "bearer of bad news" could very well be ending it.

Bottom line, imo, stay out of it.

[denuseri]

If you knew a friend or relative was being cheated on...as awkward as it may seem, would you say anything about it?

Yes.


Has a friendship ever been lost because, nothing was said?

Nope, Ive allways said somthing, first to the cheater, to give them a chance to come clean on their own, and then to the cheatee if the cheater didn't tell them when they had the chance. The only peson I lost as a friend this way was a cheater, and well I didn't need to be friends with him after what he did to my other friend so that was that.

How do you handle something like that?

As mentioned above.

Do you just let it go, ignore it?

Nope.

If you were cheating and found out your sig. other was also, did that sort of let you off the hook, so to speak and/or make it more acceptable?

Not in my opinion.

If it was your friend who was doing the cheating, was any advice
given against it?

Yes.

Were you ever asked Not, to say anything?

Yes, but it didn't help him, becuase I told him he could tell her himself, or come that weekend I would.

Would you want to know?

If I was being cheated on? Of course!

[sdgirl]

I'm a firm believer in staying the hell out of other people's relationships.

It's not my business and I wouldn't say anything to my friend or relative. And if someone thought that my SO was doing something behind my back, I'd prefer they kept it to themselves because it's not their business either.

[tina2008]

I decided to revisit this topic as I had time to think about it. As horrible as this may make me sound, I probably wouldn't say anything.

Though the next paragraphs are different from what you post, there are similarities.

My best friend's husband has not only said inappropriate things to me, he's done the same with her two of her sisters. If he's that comfortable saying things to us, I'm pretty certain he will or may act on it with other females. No, he's not joking around either. I have 9 brothers and was raised by my father and have a pretty good idea when a man is serious.

One of her sisters mentioned, in great detail, the comments he'd made and she (the friend) got upset and stopped talking to her sister for almost a year. Based upon her reaction, I decided not to mention anything as I didn't want to lose a good friend. Her other sister also chose the silent route (none of us were aware that the other had this issue or we would have likely talked to her together). It came up in a general conversation a few years ago.

I no longer attend functions at their home as I don't drive. In the past, he'd usually drop me off at home, but the 10 minutes in the car was more than enough time for him to go into creep mode. So, unless Sir is able to take me or I can hitch a ride there and back with someone else, I don't go.

Btw, they were both married to different people when they started fooling around. So, neither of them have stellar track records. I'm not judging, just stating the facts.

That being said, sometimes the spouse knows but don't want to acknowledge what's going on.

[Jennifer Williams]

I think it depends entirely on the people involved. I have one friend who I know would want me to tell her, right away. I know this because she's said to me in the past, on many many occasions "You would look out for me, you would tell me the truth no matter how much it hurt, I can trust you to be honest, right?" With that friend, I would feel it was my duty to say something to her.

I have other friends whom I know would want me to stay out of their business. I know a couple where she cheated on him for quite awhile and I knew about it and didn't say anything to anyone. Then eventually she broke it off with the other guy and stayed with her boyfriend, and he never knew she cheated and still doesn't know. But in the end she chose to lose the other one and stay with her boyfriend and they are happy now, so in that case I'm glad I didn't say anything.

Of course at the time, I didn't know that was going to happen.

So try to think about your friend, and based on who they are what might be best. I really can't tell you what to do more than that.

[rosebud]

Many thx to all of you for your replies!

It would be simple to answer my own questions, as i have many aquaintance's
but only one, really true friend and with her in mind, all i would have to do
if, in that situation, would be to copy and paste denu's replies.
lol....thx denu. *hugssss*

i tend to think though, that a majority of people would choose to ignore
the situation, that they wouldn't want to get involved and as some of
the replies have shown, some just don't want to know.

Oz made a point also...

If you value the friendship you, as the "bearer of bad news" could very well be ending it.

i think even if the truth is right there staring them in the face, they don't want
to believe it and a simple denial from the one being accused, may put a wedge
between the two friends. i imagine though, that would depend on their closeness
to one another and the crediblity of the one bearing the news.