The New-Sub Jitters

[NiNLover]

Ok, so. . . I'm seriously new to this whole thing. I've read a book or two, surfed online articles and joined a couple of chatrooms (including this one). Still, I'm getting used to this new way of thinking. I've been raised to be an independent woman with a good head on her shoulders and all that.

Unfortunately I've found most of society - and unfortunately, myself - tends to think that being submissive equals losing yourself as well as your freedom and such. I was wondering how other subs might have had to deal with the lifestyle change and the change in mindset?

Thanks!

[Red Dragon {mpellegrino}]

Aloha

I know I am no sub and cannot aspire to be such but would love to give you my thoughts for what they are worth.

It is all a question of perception I think. In my eyes, if you are indeed submissive, I think it takes a huge amount of strength and character to be submissive, especially in current western (only ones I can relate to ) attitudes. Being submissive does not mean you have to be all the time. You can still ne a 'modern woman' in public whilst being submissive privately. Many are indeed this way and some struggle with it.

I look on subs as having the strength of charater to be able to give a measure of freedom to another. How many people can say they could? I think perhaps you are pressured more by what you fear others persceptions of you might be. I can understand that, we are all affected by those in some way. But I do console myself by remembering that FEAR stands for False Expectations Appearing Real. You might be surprised by what people actually think privately.

I hope my thoughts are helpful or/and interesting. Regarless good luck on your new adventure and remember to keep asking questions of the members here.

Regards and Mahalo Dragon

[NiNLover]

Thank you for your insights!

I never thought of fear that way, so it's not a negative thing. Yeah, I guess I might be a tad more afraid. I'm pretty much known as the Honors student independent girl with goals, so being submissive to someone who doesn't understand would be like, ":O". I've actually met someone willing to train me and am enjoying Him so far (only been a couple of days so I won't really be able to tell just yet). He's not pushy and is trying to get to know what my limits are, which I think is great. He's straight with me. Somehow though it's difficult for me to get over the fear of what can happen as well. :\

[denuseri]

I was wondering how other subs might have had to deal with the lifestyle change and the change in mindset?

I dont really look at it as a "change of one's self" so much as an "acceptance of one's self".

Being able to be on the outside (if however briefly) what one has been forced by society to keep hidden on the inside can be a very liberating experience.

I also believe that for the "slave"... true freedom only comes by way of the collar.

[Ozme52]

And never forget, in this day and age, as an independent woman, you get to make the choice of; if to submit, when to submit, to whom to submit, and you may likewise withdraw from the agreement/contract/relationship.

Those who came before did not have these choices.

[chipmunk_]

Ok, so. . . I'm seriously new to this whole thing. I've read a book or two, surfed online articles and joined a couple of chatrooms (including this one). Still, I'm getting used to this new way of thinking. I've been raised to be an independent woman with a good head on her shoulders and all that.

Unfortunately I've found most of society - and unfortunately, myself - tends to think that being submissive equals losing yourself as well as your freedom and such. I was wondering how other subs might have had to deal with the lifestyle change and the change in mindset?

Thanks!

So, this post describes me perfectly. I'm strong, smart, and have a good career. Personally, I had to achieve all of that in order to have the self-confidence to admit my submissiveness despite society's attitudes.

[StormKat]

Unfortunately I've found most of society - and unfortunately, myself - tends to think that being submissive equals losing yourself as well as your freedom and such. I was wondering how other subs might have had to deal with the lifestyle change and the change in mindset?

I'd be more concerned about your own opinion than what society thinks. It can take a lot of time, not to mention some blood, sweat & tears, to accept your submissive side once you admit to yourself that it exists. You don't need to share details of your kinky side any more than other people talk openly about their sexual preferences. But at the end of the day, you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror.

Also, being a sub doesn't mean losing yourself or all your freedom. You decide how much you're willing to give/share/compromise/take. However, I want to caution you that submission can be overwhelming, especially the first time or with someone you click with quickly & deeply. You may find yourself wanting to give more - of your time, your attention, your service, your body, etc - than you planned. You may find thoughts of your dominant running rampant through your mind, daydreams & flashbacks, fantasies & hopes.

This phenomenon isn't necessarily bad, of course, or even that different from entering into an exciting new vanilla relationship with a cool guy. But the intensity can surprise you if you're not aware it can happen. It may take extra focus to keep up with your real-life responsibilities - work, school, family, community, etc - because you'll be distracted. As hard as it may be, it's important not to lose sight of the fact that your submission is only part of the whole that is "you".

[PixieStick]

But the intensity can surprise you if you're not aware it can happen. It may take extra focus to keep up with your real-life responsibilities - work, school, family, community, etc - because you'll be distracted. As hard as it may be, it's important not to lose sight of the fact that your submission is only part of the whole that is "you".

This is so true, while not a submissive I was very surprised by the intensity of the D/s dynamic as this is my first experience with it. And did not quite realize that I was hindering other aspects of me by focusing on the dominant part within. Thank you for pointing this out. It's good advice for any one entering this crazy and wonderful world we have, =)

[Jennifer Williams]

Haha, as you mention that I think about myself and how I let my BDSM life encroach upon any bit of spare time I have- working out the balance is difficult; what isn't work or dire responsibility can get eaten up and sometimes I even miss out on sleep--*looks at clock*--yep.

What I can add is this- being submissive doesn't mean you lose your head. You always have your brain with you. It can be difficult at first to sort through everything, as everything is new and appears unusual at first. But once in awhile just take a step back and look at your life as a whole, and ask yourself the important questions: "Am I happy? Am I healthy? Do I like my life as it is or do I need to change something?" Always keep on doing that, and you'll find your way.

[brwneydgirl]

It may take extra focus to keep up with your real-life responsibilities - work, school, family, community, etc - because you'll be distracted.

Ohhhhh yes you will and you'll wonder what you did with all your free time before...

On a more serious note, it's great that you're a self-starter, honor roll student and able to think and do for yourself. So you're smart, ambitious and self-aware enough to be a little nervous and unsure of this aspect of yourself. Good. You'll be careful. In a nutshell...you're on the right track!

[NiNLover]

Ohhhhh yes you will and you'll wonder what you did with all your free time before...

On a more serious note, it's great that you're a self-starter, honor roll student and able to think and do for yourself. So you're smart, ambitious and self-aware enough to be a little nervous and unsure of this aspect of yourself. Good. You'll be careful. In a nutshell...you're on the right track!

Thank you - I never even thought of it like that, lol. I actually had my first training session with my online Dom last night. . . Was interesting, but exciting and fun. I laughed a bit more than I thought I would. I'm still a tad anxious but not as much as before, now that I know he's not going to be rushing or anything.