Jealousy

[propertyofslavehaven]

I am a full time slave. I dedicate my life to my Master and there is nothing i wouldnt do for him. The last year or so we have had promblems with jealousy. (me being jealous) Im positive we are on the right track now and things are going great with what we are trying to do with me dealing with my jealous behavior. It is the hardest thing i have done as a slave. Has anyone had or have jealousy problems in thier relationship and how did they get passed it?

[slavehaven]

My slave is referring to her struggles being with a poly Master. As it is known, jealousy is more intense with slaves because of their obsessive devotion, so it should be acknowledged as a great accomplishment if a slave can overcome bad jealous feelings.
I have learned a lot on this topic and look forward to offering my wisdom. However, I don't want to color the responses with my opinions. We would like to hear comments from both Masters and slaves about their experience with Master taking on other slaves or simply looking outside of the relationship for additional stimulation.

[denuseri]

Perhaps if you counterbalanced it with sharing your submissive with other partners it may take the sting off?

[sweetkitten]

I had the same problem once. My sub sisters and i have different attitudes and needs, but we have at least one thing in common - we love our Dom. It was really hard for me at first to see our Dom with other subs, the little green monster in me tends to come out with claws, but in the end, I learned how to share.

[thir]

Perhaps if you counterbalanced it with sharing your submissive with other partners it may take the sting off?

That is a good point, seen from a poly view. Poly is not about sacrifice, but about building kinds of relationships that all invovled are happy with, barring the usual realionship problems that we all have, obviosly. What I mean is that the structure of the family/group or whatever is something that people want.

[thir]

I had the same problem once. My sub sisters and i have different attitudes and needs, but we have at least one thing in common - we love our Dom. It was really hard for me at first to see our Dom with other subs, the little green monster in me tends to come out with claws, but in the end, I learned how to share.

May I ask how you learned to share? Any tips to pass on?

Out of curiosity, may I ask if you and your sisters have giving relationships with each other? And what structure you use?
I am always interested in how other people organise their poly relationships.

[thir]

I am a full time slave. I dedicate my life to my Master and there is nothing i wouldnt do for him. The last year or so we have had promblems with jealousy. (me being jealous) Im positive we are on the right track now and things are going great with what we are trying to do with me dealing with my jealous behavior. It is the hardest thing i have done as a slave. Has anyone had or have jealousy problems in thier relationship and how did they get passed it?

Big topic! And and evergreen, it being such a painfull feeling.

Some say a 'good' feeling, because it shows you love someone - even that without it you don't. I think that is nonsense. My own Lord loves me, and he doesn't have a jealous bone is his body about my vanilla other husband.

Some say it is a 'bad' feeling, because you should not have such feelings if you are a 'real' poly or a 'real' slave. I think that is nonsense. It is a feeling, simply, and in the first case noone can control their feelings, (though you can work with them) in the second case it may have a very good reason.

Well, the first thing in my mind, when trying to tackle jealousy, is to ask what is really behind it.

For instance, does it come from fear, such as real risk of loosing the loved one? Does it come from a percieved fear of loosing the loved one?

In the first case only time will solve it by telling, in the second, reassurance is very important.

I get jealous. In my case it comes from feeling inferior, because due to my health I know I cannot give as much to my Lord as he needs, or indeed as I need. He is looking for another slave or maybe more casual relationship to make up for it, and that is hard emotionally, because this other person will give him what I can't (but want to) and get what I can't often get (but want to.)

So the base of my jealousy in my specific situation is not that I cannot bear to see him with others, but that I have to go hungry myself.

It is not a good situation, it is best to enlarge families or relationships out of a surplus. But I love my Leo9 and I cannot bear to see him starve! So I want him to have another. My weapen against jealousy in this situation is my love, and finding good ways to find other kinds of joy in my life. Not - never! - to take the place of sex and intimacy. I am, forturnately - or unfortunately - still a person with an appetite for sex that is much healthier than I am. But I believe that I can turn some of it into other joys such as creative activities, as much exercise as I can do, my family, and a lot of other things.
I can also turn inside, and develope my spiritual side.

I rather think that every person's jealousy is different. I think it important that every person try to figure out exactly what it the cause of the jealousy, and try to work with it from there. Once you know what the reason is, it is much easier to find tools against it.

In D's relationships it is very important to take decision about poly which all can live with. Jealousy can also mean that a situation is simply not right for that person. And it does not matter how submissive or devoted you are, if your mindset really is mono through and through, and not a matter of learning new ways, you cannot be happy with it any more than you can decide to be vanilla instead of a bdsm.

[sweetkitten]

May I ask how you learned to share? Any tips to pass on?

Out of curiosity, may I ask if you and your sisters have giving relationships with each other? And what structure you use?
I am always interested in how other people organise their poly relationships.

I don't really know how I learned to share. We just love our Dom (which is now my last Dom), and he doesn't like seeing us fight. We all want to please him and we worked on that from there. I'm actually the goodie-goodie among us three, I dunno if that helped.

But still, I feel the pinch in my heart whenever I see our Dom with another sub.

[Brkndrgn]

Jealously is a beast, that's for sure. My Dom is poly, even though we agreed when we got together that we would be monogamous. It's still hard though, I feel like I phase into the Hulk everytime another female gets within ten feet of him regardless of if he notices her or not.

But like someone else said, you need to figure out where exactly the jealousy comes from before you can work to control it. Mine comes from a few places: 1- the absolute certainty that I'm not enough to hold his interest crops up every so often, 2- pure vanity because he's a tall, hot musician that could have anyone he wants and I'm an overweight short girl with a big mouth and a bitchy attitude. My jealousy comes from my own insecurity, not from things that he does, so I know it's something I have to strangle because he can't help me with it. You just need to find your niche in his life and remember that that place belongs only to you, that no one can take it.

That being said, I have one thing to add about the poly lifestyle. No offense to anyone is meant, so please don't drag me into a proverbial alley and kick my ass. I've been in poly relationships and this is my take on it: the only way it works is if everyone is poly. Eventually, in my experience, if a monogamous person is in a poly situation, it will become too hard to deal and the relationship will have to end. So that's something you need to explore as well, make sure you can handle being one of many. Slave or not, that's still a decision you have to make. Poly is hard, it takes a lot of will to maintain that lifestyle, so make sure you want to put in the time.

[propertyofslavehaven]

I do know where my jealousy comes from. It comes from thinking im not good enough for him and he can find someone else that can serve him better than me. Master reasures me constantly that isnt the case and I am his number one. That is what I have been working on; my insecurities. Its something I have to do myself and Master can not help me with this. believe me he has tried. I will always be jealous because my love, devotion and dedication for him is more than words can say. I just got to learn how to deal with my jealousy in the correct manor when it comes out. Im making progress and doing great with it, but it is one of those things that will always be hard and its also one of those things that makes him see how much i love and worship him. I will never get tired of doing that.

[denuseri]

I've been in poly relationships and this is my take on it: the only way it works is if everyone is poly. Eventually, in my experience, if a monogamous person is in a poly situation, it will become too hard to deal and the relationship will have to end.

I agree for the most part with this...in my experience even when I was in a typical D/s+

(one dom and two or more submissives situation)

...in all the ones that worked for any length of time: we girls often messed around with each other both in "his" presence and outside of it at will.

Sometimes all it takes for a poly situation to go wrong is for new partner to be mono at heart or worse introduced from outside of the original group as a "friend" (someone they have been fucking behind the groups back on the sly being the absolute worse case) of one of the pre-existing partners and then have one or more partners agree to the addition but only to not make the dominat partner uncomfortable because they have such strong feelings for him etc.

[denuseri]

I do not recommend in any circumstances D/s M/s Gorean/ oldschool/ fetball/ furry etc or otherwise, that a new partner be introduced into any kind of relationship without the express and full consent / 100% approval of any and ALL partners involved, and yes that most certifiably includes live in owned slaves as well.

If one partner, regardless of status within the relationship dynamic revokes consent or isnt comfortable with giving or having given it then poof! its SSC 101, administrative timeout what have you, all play, all dominating and submitting etc is done until the issue whatever it may be is either resolved or new dynamic is agreed upon or the relationship is terminated.



If you have issues or have developed issues: with sharing, or poly or really anything from no boobie torture before 3pm to no bdsm in front of the uninitiated or no tickle torture for hard limits etc ....then voice them, insist upon them prior to play and if a condition arises later...voice it too, dont let things slide or get all "but I live to serve I have to do it" mush mush...cause all your doing by going down that road is a diservice to yourself and your other partners.

[propertyofslavehaven]

Why do I feel jealous when I trust my Master completely and love him unconditionly? Its torcher for him and me.

[Brkndrgn]

Everyone feels jealous at some point, it's a perfectly normal human emotion. Unless you become a robot, it probably won't go away, allyou can do is learn to deal. You say you love and trust him unconditionally, just remind yourself of that when ever you get jealous. I really don't know if there's anything you can do beyond that, Gods know if there was I'd be the first one in line for the cure.

[scarlet_85]

I am not in a poly relationship and never have been so, therefore, I can add zero input on this topic but i just wanted to thank you all for throwing in your opinions. I truly believe that to be in a BDSM setting, you have to respect and understand (as best as you can) all angles of the lifestyle.

I will say that even though I'm not poly,, I can relate to a lot of those feelings statd above. Like my Dom is mine!! I know as a sub, that seems like a completelt uncalled for statement. However, when a good friend of mine started asking Him questions about BDSM, I felt that she was shaking my cherry tree. I know that he would never be her Dom, but even the thought of it bothered me. Also, comments have been made that she be tied up in the corner with duct tape over her mouth, watching as we played. Even that made me feel like even though it was a just a thought, she had become a part of what Him and I have.

I suppose my point is that we all deal with some form of jealousy. I agree with what Brkndrgn said. I think we all need to remember that we hold a place somewhere that nobody else could fill. I know for a fact that I am His one and only. I know that he does not want or need anything more. I would think as a poly, you could pull on your individual strengths. Your own fabulous traits and know that is why he holds you close, but at the same time acknowledge that other subs also hold something speacial.

Like I said, I am not poly but if you take just the jealousy chunk, I think anyone can relate. I hope you find your balance. BDSM is great and I think if it interests you, its worth finding that perfect balance.

[slavehaven]

My slave and I have been living this lifestyle for 5 years and she has been collar for 3. I am a poly Master and in the begining she thought she was as well (or maybe she just thought she could do it because she wanted to be collared so bad.) The understanding was written into her contract and before long I began to introduce others into our play. It became obvious right away that her intense devotion is akin to obsession. The jealousy was/is monumental. It took me aback. It has been a struggle because she feels like a failure as a slave and I feel crippled as a Master. The problem is that we both want eachother to be happy. Yes, she is my slave. However, I do not force her servitude. Force will break her will and spirit. She has begged me to take another girl so that she can feel good about her gift, but I know it is killing her inside. Her jealousy makes her act out whenever we try to bring someone in.
We are working on it and I am training her to find better ways to deal with it, but I question myself for I fear I am killing the very thing that makes her special--her obsession!

[Ozme52]

She must channel her obsession into being the very best slave she can be, for you, by your standards and rules. Then her obsession will benefit you both.

YOU must assure her (somehow) that she pleases you very much and that she is in no danger of losing you as her master. Her jealousy stems from the thought she might lose you. IMO, all jealousy stems from fear of loss. Her own words confirm this... that she feels inadequate and that it is inevitable you will find a better slave. This means that somehow, you have left her insecure.

That said... to 'propertyof..." I say, you have to believe your master when he tells you of your worth to him. In fact, telling him you are inadequate despite his reassurances... just may convince him you're right. So stop doubting yourself. He's owned you for three years. That''s nigh on 30 vanilla-years in an ordinary relationship. Time you relented and take his word for it. Afterall, Master knows better than you what makes a good slave.

[ksst]

Why is three years of ownership the same as 30 years of vanilla relationship?

[scarlet_85]

Why is three years of ownership the same as 30 years of vanilla relationship?

I'm curious to know the answer to this as well. I could understand that with a BDSM relationship it requires more. At least in my opinion. For instance, effort, trust, communication... These are all things that will increase in a D/s relationship. I feel though that my year of devotion to my Master is still a year. In all honesty, I have zero desire to serve another... Ever. I've thought about the possibility of being able to, but it always comes back to the same thought. I don't think I could.

Also a comment was made about worth. I feel its a great point. Even though jealousy surfaces on occasion with new "threats", my Master saying things such as: I'm so proud of you -and- you are My one and only -and- you are the only cherry on ky cherry tree ... Well, it's the reassurance that I need to make all jealousy subside. If you have an honest relationship, comments of reassurance must be taken at face value and should in turn be comforting.

[thir]

I do not recommend in any circumstances D/s M/s Gorean/ oldschool/ fetball/ furry etc or otherwise, that a new partner be introduced into any kind of relationship without the express and full consent / 100% approval of any and ALL partners involved, and yes that most certifiably includes live in owned slaves as well.

If one partner, regardless of status within the relationship dynamic revokes consent or isnt comfortable with giving or having given it then poof! its SSC 101, administrative timeout what have you, all play, all dominating and submitting etc is done until the issue whatever it may be is either resolved or new dynamic is agreed upon or the relationship is terminated.



If you have issues or have developed issues: with sharing, or poly or really anything from no boobie torture before 3pm to no bdsm in front of the uninitiated or no tickle torture for hard limits etc ....then voice them, insist upon them prior to play and if a condition arises later...voice it too, dont let things slide or get all "but I live to serve I have to do it" mush mush...cause all your doing by going down that road is a diservice to yourself and your other partners.

Absolutely right.

[thir]

Everyone feels jealous at some point, it's a perfectly normal human emotion. Unless you become a robot, it probably won't go away, allyou can do is learn to deal. You say you love and trust him unconditionally, just remind yourself of that when ever you get jealous. I really don't know if there's anything you can do beyond that, Gods know if there was I'd be the first one in line for the cure.

Actually, there are people who are not jealousy at all. Truly.

[thir]

Why do I feel jealous when I trust my Master completely and love him unconditionly? Its torcher for him and me.

I think it is because the feeling does not come from him, but from inside you. Meaning, it does not matter how much you trusth him, if you have a little 'enemy' inside which cannot find peace. You'd have to heal that first.

Does that make sense?

[thir]

My slave and I have been living this lifestyle for 5 years and she has been collar for 3. I am a poly Master and in the begining she thought she was as well (or maybe she just thought she could do it because she wanted to be collared so bad.) The understanding was written into her contract and before long I began to introduce others into our play. It became obvious right away that her intense devotion is akin to obsession. The jealousy was/is monumental. It took me aback. It has been a struggle because she feels like a failure as a slave and I feel crippled as a Master. The problem is that we both want eachother to be happy. Yes, she is my slave. However, I do not force her servitude. Force will break her will and spirit. She has begged me to take another girl so that she can feel good about her gift, but I know it is killing her inside. Her jealousy makes her act out whenever we try to bring someone in.
We are working on it and I am training her to find better ways to deal with it, but I question myself for I fear I am killing the very thing that makes her special--her obsession!

Can I ask some questions? It seems to me you touch on something important here. Is it possible that her obsession is simply being monogamous? Is it possible that her obsession is devoution? Just asking, because you said in your first post that all subs are obsessive, and I am trying to understand what exactly you
mean by it.

"Definition of OBSESSIVE
1
a : tending to cause obsession b : excessive often to an unreasonable degree
2
: of, relating to, or characterized by obsession : deriving from obsession


Many dancers are obsessive about their weight.
He is an obsessive workaholic who never stops thinking about his job.
an obsessive interest in space travel
The new therapy is supposed to help people control their obsessive thoughts."

Further, how does obsession (as I understand the word) go with poly relationships?
And finally, is it possible that it all went a bit too fast?

Hope you understand that I mean no offence here, just wanting to get to something important: Is there something obsessive about submission?

[Ozme52]

Why is three years of ownership the same as 30 years of vanilla relationship?

Strictly a personal opinion of course... and I maintain both vanilla and kink relationships (being poly and/or open,) I just think that the intensity of emotions one feels between a dominant and submissive, are more intense with higher highs and lower lows, more fulfilling, and in some ways, more prone to love/lust "at first sight" fulfillment and burnout, than vanilla. Master/slave relationships, that are based on emotional bonds, may be even moreso in intensity.

So a three year commitment is like a 30 year vanilla relationship and those aren't disposed of as readily as a relationship of shorter term.

[ksst]

We are past the 20 year mark for " mostly vanilla" relationship, and then going on 6 months of way more kinkiness, and probably 4 months of M/s, within the same relationship. It is like being in the first stage of love all over again when you feel like you're burning up or burning down constantly. Hopefully not burning out though.

[ksst]

And yes, I am obsessive.

[thir]

Jealously is a beast, that's for sure. My Dom is poly, even though we agreed when we got together that we would be monogamous. It's still hard though, I feel like I phase into the Hulk everytime another female gets within ten feet of him regardless of if he notices her or not.


That being said, I have one thing to add about the poly lifestyle. No offense to anyone is meant, so please don't drag me into a proverbial alley and kick my ass. I've been in poly relationships and this is my take on it: the only way it works is if everyone is poly. Eventually, in my experience, if a monogamous person is in a poly situation, it will become too hard to deal and the relationship will have to end. So that's something you need to explore as well, make sure you can handle being one of many. Slave or not, that's still a decision you have to make. Poly is hard, it takes a lot of will to maintain that lifestyle, so make sure you want to put in the time.

I have to agree with you on that. It is not a good situation, much like a vanilla and a bdsm person. But the reason you can end up there is the same as with a vanilla and a bdsm: that you do not realize from the start what you are all about. So it was with me and again - I agree, not good!

May I ask, why you changed from mono to poly if that was not the plan? Same problem?

[thir]

YOU must assure her (somehow) that she pleases you very much and that she is in no danger of losing you as her master. Her jealousy stems from the thought she might lose you. IMO, all jealousy stems from fear of loss. Her own words confirm this... that she feels inadequate and that it is inevitable you will find a better slave. This means that somehow, you have left her insecure.

despite his reassurances... just may convince him you're right. So stop doubting yourself. He's owned you for three years. That''s nigh on 30 vanilla-years in an ordinary relationship. Time you relented and take his word for it. Afterall, Master knows better than you what makes a good slave.

I think if she has been owned for 3 years and still feels insecure this may not be something the Master can help her with. Or not simply by reassurances. If she could 'stop it', I rather think she would have by now. It is a painful feeling.

Discussing jealousy is a good topic and always relevant, seeing how it torments so many people. I personally do not think for a moment that it is all about losing, rather I think that jealousy is a header of sorts that can cover a great many feelings/problems.

One is fear of losing, true, and this can be relevant or not. I wonder why so few doms are sharing their slaves? Could it be because they would be jealous because of feeling possessive - or inadequate? Because logically there is no reason why not, and it would certainly solve another reason for jealousy in slaves/subs: that they simply aren't getting their needs met because, as poly people say 'love is unlimmited, but time isn't'.

Another reason for jealousy can be that people are not treated equally.

And then there is the feeling of insufficiency which is quite real, as in my example.

And yet another the simple reason for jealousy is that we live in a monogamous society that all but promotes jealousy, making it a hallmark of true love. But it isn't. Whatever 'true' love is, it isn't obsessive in a bad way, or possesive in a bad way. Bad, as in 'if I cannot have you no one can' - bang! It is about making your loved one happy. IMO. With hard work, if needed, but not with sacrifice.

I myself must agree with denuseri that all involved parties must agree to a poly relationship if it is to work - must want it.
And I can't help feeling that it is a bit easy to see fault in subs who try to share, while the dom is sitting pretty with no such problems.

In other words, I think that jealousy can be seen as coming from two sources: totally reasonable ones, where it would be impossible not to be jealous or feel bad, and not real ones, where the problems are not directly connected with the relationship as such.

I feel that a continued jealousy problem - continued unhappiness - can be either in the person, or in the situation, and it is vital to find out which before you begin to try to find a solution.

[leo9]

dont let things slide or get all "but I live to serve I have to do it" mush mush...cause all your doing by going down that road is a diservice to yourself and your other partners.

Absolutely agree, and nowhere do we see this more often than issues of sharing.

Experience has taught me, when I see a thread on the theme of "Master wants to take another slave," to expect a tragedy. All the more painful if the sub honestly tries to live up to the impossible ideal of "I can be happy with anything if it pleases Master." I have seen some working themselves into a breakdown that way.

Not that all slaves are obsessively mono, far from it: I've known many who truly are glad to welcome anyone else who makes their loved Owner happy. (My ex-slave made only one absolute condition, that nobody should be put under her orders: she didn't mind how many other slaves I had so long as she was the lowest.) But poly and BDSM are two separate orientations, and one doesn't imply the other.

[slavehaven]

Can I ask some questions? It seems to me you touch on something important here. Is it possible that her obsession is simply being monogamous? Is it possible that her obsession is devoution? Just asking, because you said in your first post that all subs are obsessive, and I am trying to understand what exactly you
mean by it.

"Definition of OBSESSIVE
1
a : tending to cause obsession b : excessive often to an unreasonable degree
2
: of, relating to, or characterized by obsession : deriving from obsession


Many dancers are obsessive about their weight.
He is an obsessive workaholic who never stops thinking about his job.
an obsessive interest in space travel
The new therapy is supposed to help people control their obsessive thoughts."

Further, how does obsession (as I understand the word) go with poly relationships?
And finally, is it possible that it all went a bit too fast?

Hope you understand that I mean no offence here, just wanting to get to something important: Is there something obsessive about submission?

1. Her obsession is definitely defined around monogamy which is partially my fault since I painted that picture for her early in our relationship. However, I believe her obsession is not fixed and will evolve to suit my demands--I hope!

2. Of course her obsession is tied to her devotion. They are both pulling the same wagon. With that thinking, as one changes direction the other shall follow. We are changing direction and I know she will adapt and give me her all no matter where I lead her. This trait is the essence of a true submissive. Her obsession will find new footholds.

3. Obsession in poly relations seems to be the rub. Obsessiveness in any relationships breeds possessiveness, and the possessiveness is what causes the heartache.

4. Speed of approach is not the problem. As with any psychological discomfort, exposure is the issue. It's either building discomfort or instant panic but all roads lead to Rome.

5. Finally, yes, I believe obsession and submission are common tandems. It's the nearly fanatical single mindedness to serve that makes my slave such a wonderful subject.