Compliment, or Counterpoint?

[lily27]

This concept was hinted to in my intro thread, and I am curious what everyone else feels about it.

Is your role in D/s complimentary, or contrary, to other aspects of your life?

Let me explain using myself as an example. In other areas of my life, you would be hard pressed to describe me as submissive. I am a fairly stereotypical "careerwoman"....business suits, self-confident, working in a man's world, and all that jazz.

I am independent to a fault, hard-headed, and say exactly what I am thinking.

And yet, I am very much a sub. It's not always easy.

Because I am so in control of every other aspect of my life, the act of giving it up is in and of itself a release.

So what about everyone else? Are you quiet and shy in "real life", yet a Dom? Are you independent, yet a sub?

Or do all sides of your personality run into each other?

[MajesticFae]

I bounce back and forth between my dominant and submissive sides in the real world. When I'm at work or my favorite activity, I take charge because, it's what I do. I can command people and they listen because they know I know what I'm talking about. =) However, when around people or at a party, I find that I am more shy. I more than likely will not go up and start talking to someone I've never met.

In my D/s relationship, I'm the submissive. I greatly enjoy my position as it feels very natural for me. =) Before I really started exploring BDSM, my brain and I discussed the possibility of me being more of a Dom, but we quickly agreed that I'm much more submissive. =)

[dzire2pleeze]

My submissive nature arouses me sexually. It's the only thing that does arouse me...For years, before I was defined, I did not know why I treated men so shabbily...I pushed them and provoked them to stand up for themselves. They never did. They allowed me to walk all over them and soon I'd lose respect and it was over.

My dearest friends and even those who don't know me well...would never suspect I am submissive...I am one hundred percent in control in my everyday life. I am bold...stubborn...outspoken, opinionated and demanding (of course i am all these things in a nice way - giggles).

I am not inhibited or shy in the least. My gregarious nature permits me to easily approach strangers and make them feel comfortable. Because I love to hear people laugh, I will go out of my way to play the clown at any party.

Unfortunately for me...because of my external persona...most submissive men are attracted to me...lol...seems i'm defeating my own purpose.

[GoddessGiana]

What an excellent question/topic, Lily.

I think its also interesting, (though not all together indicative) to learn what line of work dominants and submissives find themselves involved in.

Me, I have only recently began embracing my dominant side in my relationship. In my personal life, I have always tended to be very outgoing and dynamic so it is not such a stretch for me. But I was brought up to be a "nice" girl and for years I bought into that line of crap that nice girls aren't supposed to be demanding, assertive or embrace a darker side of their personality. Career-wise, I work in a "helping profession"...and I am comfortable with being compassionate, giving and something of a mentor to those I work with. Initally, those traits would strike me as submissive, but I find that these traits are very complimentary when I use them in a dominant capacity.

I do think that being dominant in my relationship has taught me to be more confident and helps to balance me out though. I think it would be draining to be "all domme, all the time"- in every possible facet of my life.

Hope this gives some further insights!

[MrDom]

This is a good topic. One that I have with my friends that know me well. I am dominate in both walks of my life. But in my everyday day Job no one knows how far my Dominate personality gose. Just a few of my co-works and friends that are close only know very little of how deep I am in the lifestyle. I show my Dominaes all the time even when i talk to the Boss at work. But I give him the respect of his title.

[Silke]

Hmm, I think for me it depends who I'm with. I can be very dominant and demanding when I'm with people who look for guidance and place me in a dominant position (or see me in a dominant position in a work context). I can deal with that and it comes naturally. But I never strive for that...it's not something I seek. My nature is more submissive - not to a point where I like serving everybody around me, lol...I like to tease and am told I don't come across like a shy person...but I like people around me to be happy and go out of my way to achieve that.

In a sexual context I should have noticed earlier that I'm seeking a dominant partner. I did a lot of what d2p described to provoke that response in a partner but the men I was with hardly ever acted accordingly. *sighs*

I think my friends would laugh hard if they found out that I'm submissive, though. It's not an image I seem to project. Then again, I consider myself shy and nobody believes me. The facade is different from what's inside...

[Timberwolf]

My time in BDSM has undoubtably given me more confidence to just be myself. Having a community of people where I can be the real me (not to mention discovering a lot about who the real me actually is) will have that effect on a person. I used to be extremely shy. I am still fairly shy, it's just part of my character to generally be the quiet one who observes. Though granted, among close friends, I've been known to get a bit louder.

[slave327-834-200]

Lily26 - What a great subect, was discussing this with my Master recently.

And D2P - I feel I have just read something I might have written myself! You must be a fantastically wonderful person too” - *giggling at my massive ego!*

"I am one hundred percent in control in my everyday life. I am bold...stubborn...outspoken, opinionated and demanding"


I have always been an incredibly independent person. I left home at a very young age and have worked hard and aimed high in everything I have done. I now work in the almost entirely male dominated whisky industry, in which I run a small business and sit on a handful of committees. What I do for a living brings me into contact with strangers in somewhat social situations, when doing tastings/presentations, so I have never been shy at coming forward and meeting new people and I love being the centre of attention socially too, always quick with a one-liner!

As for attracting submissive men I'm with you on that one too. They are like moths to a flame! I suppose I initially love the attention that a submissive person gives out but inevitably it wears thin and their apathy and indecisiveness drives me away in the end. With my last relationship I spent years dreaming that one day he would walk in the door from work, throw me about and ravish me! Of course it never happened, it just wasn't in his nature and our sex-life suffered for it. By the time the relationship ended I truly believe I had left him mentally castrated, not intentionally, but I definitely left that relationship with the only set of balls!

I think that my desire to be dominated comes as a direct result of this outward strength and independence. This is one area of my life I can happily relinquish control, I can let go and allow someone else take the lead. This release is of course hugely sexually stimulating for me and I am so glad that I realised that I could actively find someone and a lifestyle more compatible to my needs.

[lily27]

I am thrilled that you all find this as interesting as I do. Thanks for your insights (and keep them coming!).

It is intriguing how this is shaping up. The women seem to have roles contrary to the rest of their lives, yet the men's roles are an exaggeration. I can't wait for other people to add their two cents so we can see if this initial trend holds up.

Ladies, everything you have said about submissive men holds true for me too. I am a strong woman....and I need an even stronger man to complete me.

lily

[Tojo]

Great thread lily, great answers too.

Well just for the record, I always have to be in control. I never really thought about anything else throughout most of my adult life.

I became famous very quickly when I started a job some years ago by saying 'we can do it my way, or we can do it the hard way'.

One thing katie said to me that made me think was that I don't always need to be in control. Not sure about that one, but yeah.

I have however, managed to support my wife in being one of the most powerful & confident women I've known- I can't be totally overbearing.

Tojo

[hotfirefly]

I thought I would speak up and share. I'm submissive and think that I am that way in other parts of my life.

I'm not very outgoing or dominant. I'd describe myself as a people pleaser and been called by a "push over" by some more dominant people.

Although I don't see myself as a push over or a person who allows herself to being taken advantage of, I just know when to pick my battles and the particular people that said that weren't worth battling with. But I do like to make people happy and help as much as I can and it pains me when I can't.

I had a boss who said once I would be a good leader but I think that had more to do with being hardworking and a perfectionist of my work than being a natural leader or dominate in some way.

I'd say that I'm independent and more outgoing when it is expected of me and I have no other choice but it doesn't come very naturally at all. Maybe it would if I was in that position more and gained more confidence in it, I don't know.

I do open up once people get to know me, and the people i've known for years don't believe me when I say that I'm shy, but I don't think that they would be all together surprised that I was submissive. They'd probably be more surprised by the fact that i'm kinky than anything.

Anyway, that's me. <also more than I think I've ever shared with people I've never met before in my life, and I realize that I'm procrastinating sending it, so I'm just going to hit post quick reply....now>

[Timberwolf]

"I am a strong woman....and I need an even stronger man to complete me."

It sounds like your sending a challenge out there again, angel. As is part of your nature from what I've seen.

I'll take that one on, when the time comes. With pleasure.

[cookiecat]

Very thoughtful topic, Lily 26. It's interesting to hear what everyone says. The trend continues with me - I am a very outgoing, confident person in real life....maybe even agressive. I manage a retail store and have a lot of independence in my job. I'm the boss, the problem-solver, the cheer leader, the janitor, the counselor, the juggler of so many things..... relenquishing this control with a strong partner is something I desire and hope to find.

The thing I've never put together is what others have said about a strong woman attracting submissive men. Picture me slapping my forehead with palm saying "aha!" It's a big reason my marriage ended.

Lily26, I agree that finding a stronger man is part of this journey....

Thanks for sharing, all!

[Scorpio'sWill2Power]

I pretty much play things as they lay and am the same
in all that I do, be it work environment at home or play.

I've pretty much had to fight my way through evey part
of life landing in one shit storm or another but I never
relented and don't plan to start now.

So yes I think it's most surely a compliment to my life
as part of the overall scope of things.

[SheepishJaina]

At work, it's my job to maintain order and keep the peace. This is achieved by being forceful, stern, using language and sometimes physically having to step in the middle of a fight. (I actually did step in between a 6' something boy and stop him from hitting a tiny little girl once) I can be very forceful and strong when I desire or have to be.

In general, I prefer to be silly, goofy, am amused by stickers and glitter and very laid back. It takes a lot for anyone to get to truely know me, as life has taught me not to trust. I'm shy on multiple levels. I've been told that I'm a handful when it comes to submission. I know that I do not freely give myself up as a submissive until the Dom has shown me that he can be trusted and that he can handle me, which has earned me the nickname of Brat in the past.

[Aussiegirl1]

I agree this is an interesting thread.

I too am in a job where I have to be in charge and take a leadership role at times. I used to be quite shy and still can be in certain situations. I can now talk to almost anyone but it takes a lot for me to become close to somebody.

In my private life, I had always been the one waiting for the guy to make the first move. I used to think that was due to my conservative upbringing and being a quiet person, but now I know it was more than that. I know I have always had a submissive side, it just took someone strong like Tojo to bring it out in me.

Hotfirefly, I can relate to what you said as to never having shared so much with people you don't really know that well before. I have lost count of the number of times I have said that myself this year. Well done for being so open and honest, it does get easier!

[dzire2pleeze]

And D2P - I feel I have just read something I might have written myself! You must be a fantastically wonderful person too” - *giggling at my massive ego!*

lol...I am, but i'd rather giggle at your massive ego, slave, because i'm too modest to admit what a fantastically wonderful person i am..

lilly...this thread has been an eye-opening experience...thanx.

[csr]

My role in BDSM is contrary to my everyday life. I'm one of those people who are quite dominant in public life--I've always had professions that demand it, and yet I find submission erotically stimulating. I've often seen it written that this is quite common in sub males because the submissive side, the relinquishing control is an escape. This sounds like a sound theory...except that I have had these feelings from a young age--from before my adult personality was formed. I believe strongly that we are wired the way we are from birth. Your personality can be moulded by your environment, but what turns you on sexually comes from inside. Anyway, my 2 cents.

[Tojo]

lol...I am, but i'd rather giggle at your massive ego, slave, because i'm too modest to admit what a fantastically wonderful person i am..

lilly...this thread has been an eye-opening experience...thanx.[/QUOTE]

Looks like a job for Tojo then dzire- you are a pretty wonderful person.

Thanks for your part in keeping me out of the gutter.

As for you Aussiegirl, you're doing just great. I'm impressed.


Tojo

[orchid]

lily,
we have much in common

i work fulltime outside of the home, in a demanding career where i am management. i am expected to lead, make decisions that affect the business, my employees and my customers all day every day. while i am good at it (if i do say so myself) it goes against everything in my personality....the one i have when i walk out the door.

for me, though i am a sub 100% of the time, my work requires me to act in a different way. it doesn't change what i am at all but i do it because that is what i get paid to do, its that simple

there is nothing better than walking out of there at the end of the day and knowing that its all out of my hands now....

[poetic_justice]

Great thread!!
Yes, my lifestyle personality and my bedroom personality contrast greatly, for they are exact opposites.

In life i'm very much a dominant person, will fight for what I want and believe in, and may someone upstairs help you if you stand in my way. Yet in the bedroom I am incredibly submissive.

[Timberwolf]

This thread is proving most interesting. And not quite as I would have expected.

[Aussiegirl1]

As for you Aussiegirl, you're doing just great. I'm impressed.


Tojo

Thanks Tojo, You know have a big part in me being where I am today.

[lily27]

Wow. The response to this has been great. I am glad to learn that I am not that much of a freak after all.

Thank you to everyone who has shared so far. I know this topic delves a little deeper into our lives outside of our happy little bubble here, so I recognize that it can be difficult. However, I find this fascinating, and am willing to share different parts of myself to understand it further.

Since most of the responses have been on the "counterpoint" side, let me ask this as a follow up:

Do you think that you are naturally submissive (or Dom/me), and then were trained out of it? Or are you drawn to D/s solely as a release?

And for those whose roles are complimentary, what is it that draws you to D/s? How do you get your release?

[Tojo]

Oh we're all freaks here lily...

Well it's complicated for me- I was a real nervous nellie up til I was around 20 yrs of age & would have indentified as a sub if I'd known what one was.

I gradually grew in confidence until I could easily rule the world.

A couple of years ago I sort of lost interest in being tied up by my wife & the fantasy sort of died. Soon after I became fascinated by the whole Dom thing.

So a bit of both- I spent years being confident & powerful, but wanting to grovel for the right woman (at times) & now feel very comfortable in being in control pretty much everywhere.

And yeah it was a release after a hard day's work, when I was a sub.

Tojo

[BeautifulOblivion]

I find that I'm pretty much a submissive through and through. I'm a passive-agressive person, but if placed in a leadership position, I can handle it. I love to help others and I love the way it makes me fell when I please those around me... especially when I make my SO happy. =)

[pttwyn]

Until recently I was in a position where I had to dominate many of the people I met. Even if they were not particularly submissive. I found that many of the people we all meet every day are much more submissive than I had ever believed. My urge to dominate was brought to the forefront. I met several who preferred to be dominated all the time. I learned that domination also required courtesy and sensitivity. Now I can dominate by simply instructing {ordering} verbally. Though a bit of physical force is still fun, but only when it's fun for both of us.

[Uzukasai]

Hm, this has been a very interesting topic indeed.

I also tend to have a very opposite sexual life then my real life. I was always an unruly, rebellious youth and still am, not much of an "order" taker. I hear that many subs in the past have submissive thoughts to follow there mothers, aunt's, etc orders, but I could be wrong on this its just something I read but I was never like that, I was actually a mothers nightmare when it came to sneaking out and not listening. Yet when it came to a girl I dated, I would do anything to make her happy and devote myself to them, never had any idea where it came from, it was never sexual i jsut always wanted to be a gentleman and if "they" where happy then "I" was happy. Of course I started having fantasys around that time of domination.

Now, I am a professional wrestler which is a very "macho man stereotype" profession. My character is very arrogant, egocentric, etc, and I play him well. I am not shy, in fact you could actaully say I am abit of a loudmouth and a troublemaker, and every now and again an asshole but never toward woman, *shurgs* I have no idea why harbor the urge to just give myself up and surrender to a beautiful woman and do whatever she said. I guess I am just a helpless romantic when it comes to that, of course I enjoy switching as well which holds up better to my personality but if I had to live my life as a sub or a dom, I would definetly be a sub.

[Blip_]

Oh, my - this is interesting...

Does this make me the only male dom to be contradictory?

I'm a pretty social person, and I do generally try to accommodate others. Apart from certain areas (where I'm fairly confident I'm right, or if someone hits my hot buttons), I guess I'm not hugely assertive. So much so, in fact, that a couple of friends with whom I had just discovered a common interest in BDSM had me confidently pegged as a sub!

I suppose it might well be because the rest of my life frequently feels as if I'm out of control...goodness, what a horrible thought - that I might be taking out problems with my life on my romantic partners. Ew. Thankfully, I don't think that's so likely...I've wanted to do Dom-ish things since the earliest of ages, so I don't *think* I'm just taking out my issues on others...

Still - veee-ry interesting.