Hi Nikita and all,

I'm partial to the writings of L K Hamilton when it comes to the first person. I didn't enjoy the style until I read her stuff.

Here's a chapter from one of her books:
http://www.laurellkhamilton.org/Anit...hapterOne.html

Now, back to you, Nikita. You and Razor have both made excellent points.

For me to enjoy first person, I want the story teller to be speaking to me. I'm greedy. I want to know what they were thinking, feeling, seeing, etc. I don't need every "he said" or "she said", yet I don't want to feel cheated on the descriptions either.

Also, because the story teller is telling a story that already happened, even her/his thoughts need to be in the past tense. The only writing allowed in present tenses would be quotes.

Nikita,

I really like this story and your first attempt at tackling writing in the first person is admirable.

Your wicked sense of humor is always delightful and the story title is right on target.

How did you feel when writing this piece?
Is it a tense and POV that you would continue to use?
Did you feel comfortable with it?
Enjoy it?
Something else?

Here are some comments, request, suggestions for the next update of your story:


Red Lipstick


Why hadn't that asshole sent those surveillance pictures?

Add a transition to this next line. What are you feeling that caused you to notice her?

Under my desk, the slut of the day was busily slobbering over my cock.

I grabbed her by the hair to see the smeared red lips before I barked, "Get on the desk."

She was a little eager.

Did you like this or not?

I had to fire her last week for lack of enthusiasm.

You big tease. You fired her? Then what is she doing under your desk? Is this part of the re-interview process?

"You know the drill."

Her back arched to offer a curvy bubble butt. I prepared to hit a forehand across the target when the phone rang.

"Hey Carver, it's me. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. Did you get the pictures? I emailed them about five minutes ago."

The guy had impeccable timing. (Moves line here.)

"Let me call you back."

Now give me an action. Do something, feel something. Describe the chick and what she is doing.

"Count."

Unfortunately, there were no cries or pleadings, but, the warmth coming off chastened cheeks made me want to hurt her more. (Nice!)

"Spread them."

"Yes sir."

Her voice quavered. My dick was hard.

What does she do? What is she spreading? How?

I spit on the unprepared asshole, then, shoved my short and wide in to the hilt.

Ouch, ouch, and ouch! Spitting there isn't enough if she isn't lubed, or he isn't lubed either. This could make for a messy and bloody scene. There's nothing wrong with him lubing his cock or her anus before playtime.

The instinct to pull away from anal assault only served to make me harder. As I held her fluffy head down on the desk with one hand, I slapped the side of her face with the other.

Slap.

We don't need the slap. It would work well in third person. Here's it's distracting without more description.

I slapped her, hard. The sound rang through my office.

Or nothing at all is fine, too.

"Silly slut. Are you going to come in to work without your butt plug again?"

Slap.

I had to slap her again to get her to answer me.

"No...Sir!"

Slap.

More than a slap ... add description, feeling, sound, whatever.

"Lying bitch. Next time, no spit. You’ll be used bone dry. Got that?"

I say again, ouch! That wasn't enough lube, she was bone dry inside.

Her muffled response was loud as I ground into her one last time. All I could hear was the sound of the disk drive whirring. I fished my cock out of the newly widened cave and tucked it away for later. Right now, I wanted to see those pictures.

Oooooh, very, very, nice. He's got control and he's a jerk.

After the slut of the day slid quietly off the desk, pulled down her skirt, and headed towards her office, I had to give her one last parting shot.

"Don't wipe that lipstick off."

Red Lipstick copyright Nikita 2007