Online relationships 101

[Tang]

I agree that online contact can be very exciting. Some have said that you cannot know whether the other person is faking it unless you have met them IRL. However, I think online is a realm of fantasy anyway. Whilst I lack the technical facilities to engage in play in places like Erotic Labs or Shangrila, I know people who have had great fun using them. I think some of the issues depend on the nature of online relationships.

If you are sending orders to a sub who is a real person who will act on those commands in reality then you have to take as much care as if you were doing that f-2-f. There are hazards with follow-up commands being lost or forgotten about, I left my online sub dressed in a particular way all night because I forgot to send the follow-up email and that was a strong and never forgotten lesson to me. My approach now is to send complete 'packages', with all the activities from beginning to end in one package, so you know that the sub will end up restored to 'normality' by the end of it. This kind of online relationship needs the trust of a f-2-f one and has to be handled as carefully, in such an environment I believe safe words are as important as IRL and things should only progress when each side has emailed the turn on word and things stop immediately whenever either side has sent the switch off word. It is also handy to have an off topic word which does not end play but allows discussion of what is happening outside the play.

There is a different kind of online relationship if it is total fantasy at each end. You can be representing yourself as any gender or any species in any setting or time period and effectively together you are writing a kind of novel. This should be safer because there is no way my catman self can fall from that castle wall I have just vaulted in order to scale up to the chamber where the innocent princess waits to be abducted and ravaged and transformed into my catwoman lover. However, the online exchange can be very arousing and exciting and it does not really matter who is actually on each end or how they are dressed, etc. as long as long as they are imaginative and can write well. The only potential for harm is if the players move from just writing to trying to act out what is being described.

There can be total fantasy rooted in a less fantastical setting and with behavior which is more like what might happen in reality, for example I am picking up a slutty prostitute and taking her back to have fun with in a cheap motel room, but in this style of online contact it is unlikely that either party is going to act any of that out though there may be a greater risk, thus a need for greater care, than with more fantastical set activities which it would be impossible for them to do.

[Krimson3]

[QUOTE=smartass kitten]Thank you e.b.

It's just that I don't feel it would be right to ask a Dom(me) to try and work past the mess someone else left behind (ie me).

[QUOTE]
Actually that is not true if the Dom/Master is experienced in r/t and has a good understanding of psychology and behavior modification. It does take time to overcome past damage of abuse, but that abuse can be turned into a strength.

Don't underestimate yourself as a person.

[His_pita]

I am in my first real D/s relationship. It just happens to be online, but it is the most intense relationship I have had online or in real life. I have been interested in BDSM for a while, played at it in real life and online.

But not until meeting my Sir have I ever known what it truly means to submit to someone and more importantly to truly want to.

I could go on and on about all the amazing things I have learned and how great my Dom is. I will try to control myself.

Once we realized we wanted to explore the D/s relationship together, he gave me another name: pita. He also had me only type in third person. This worked well in the beginning to set our roles but it became limiting and he allowed me to go back to first person. Although I often slip back into it, especially when he is being all Dom like. I love that!

We have had one discipline session over the phone that was the most intense thing I have ever done. It bonded me to him and made me His sub. We also had our first punishment session that taught us a lesson and made us closer. He broke the punishment with a very wonderful phone call.

Online is difficult but possible. It does take a lot of trust and communication. We talk more then anything else learning each other the best we can. We do hope to be together someday soon. We want the total package and that means we have to be together to fully get all of what D/s can mean.


About the subject of silence as a punishment. For the first time since my Dom and I met he is out of town for three days. I hate it! We can’t talk to each other or be online. He had once said to me silence would be a good punishment. I would rather do anything else. Not talking to him or even getting a mail, which I’m used to receiving throughout the day is torture. This weekend is dragging and I miss him so much!

[Nikita]

Pita,

I hope you don't mind I've used your last post to revive this thread as I think it is very relevant. There are quite a few things you discuss here that will be helpful for some others to think about and discuss.

I am in my first real D/s relationship. It just happens to be online, but it is the most intense relationship I have had online or in real life. I have been interested in BDSM for a while, played at it in real life and online.

But not until meeting my Sir have I ever known what it truly means to submit to someone and more importantly to truly want to.

I could go on and on about all the amazing things I have learned and how great my Dom is. I will try to control myself.

Once we realized we wanted to explore the D/s relationship together, he gave me another name: pita. He also had me only type in third person. This worked well in the beginning to set our roles but it became limiting and he allowed me to go back to first person. Although I often slip back into it, especially when he is being all Dom like. I love that!

We have had one discipline session over the phone that was the most intense thing I have ever done. It bonded me to him and made me His sub. We also had our first punishment session that taught us a lesson and made us closer. He broke the punishment with a very wonderful phone call.

Online is difficult but possible. It does take a lot of trust and communication. We talk more then anything else learning each other the best we can. We do hope to be together someday soon. We want the total package and that means we have to be together to fully get all of what D/s can mean.


About the subject of silence as a punishment. For the first time since my Dom and I met he is out of town for three days. I hate it! We can’t talk to each other or be online. He had once said to me silence would be a good punishment. I would rather do anything else. Not talking to him or even getting a mail, which I’m used to receiving throughout the day is torture. This weekend is dragging and I miss him so much!

[BeautifulOblivion]

I think it's awesome that you brought this back, nikita. Love can blossom over the net, my fiance and I are proof of that. We met online six years ago and I'm never happier than when I get to spend time with him. We've touched only briefly on the surface of BDSM, so I can't really relate on the subject of meeting an online Dom/sub, because we're learning together in the real world when I get to see him. We've also experimented a bit with orgasm control/tasks, but so far, we haven't been on the same wavelength quite and we need to learn a bit more about one another sexually before continuing anything like that. (We already know a lot, but there is much more to learn)

I wish the best of luck to those Doms and subs who meet their partners online. =) Love can blossom from an online relationship... I know I'm not the only proof of it. =)

[Nikita]

We've touched only briefly on the surface of BDSM, so I can't really relate on the subject of meeting an online Dom/sub, because we're learning together in the real world when I get to see him. We've also experimented a bit with orgasm control/tasks, but so far, we haven't been on the same wavelength quite and we need to learn a bit more about one another sexually before continuing anything like that. (We already know a lot, but there is much more to learn)

You are welcome beauty:

I forgot to post threads that are related to this one. Perhaps there will be a few things there to help y'all learn more about each other.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3653

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3512

[kashtwa]

I met my girlfriend and Mistress at a club and i was not submissive at in the beginning nor thought i was.. It was something she made me realised that i was born to serve her. She wanted me to get along with others online and when she was not at home she emailed me my duties.

[Silke]

Weird...I can't open your attachment to see whether I can approve it, kashtwa. I'll try and find out what's up with that...sorry for the delay. If you know what it is and can change the attachment, please do so and let me know.