Hi Maddie,

This is an excellent story. It’s well thought out with great attention to detail. The narrator of the piece allows the reader to simultaneously experience the emotions and thoughts of both people. You switch back and forth in the “point of view” like an expert.

I’d like you to take this story and do an editing refresh.

Your assignment is to work on:
1. Pacing
2. Passive verses active story telling – also called “telling versus showing”
3. Check for consistency of action and descriptions
4. Grammar nits that change the meaning of the sentence
5. Story layout for easy readability

I’ll be posting some articles or links describing these topics as soon as possible.

In the meantime, here are a few examples:

Pacing, mix of active and passive

Two days later, as she sat outside Dr. Walsh’s office, her mind raced. She didn’t think it was likely he’d be familiar with the online source, she told herself, but he might recognize the quote she hadn’t attributed. She told herself it was possible he had called her there for another reason, but, deep down, she knew he’d figured it out. She knew that, very soon, she could be expelled from the university.

This paragraph starts by creating a mood. The reader is tense along with our leading lady. Then it switched from active into passive story telling. Shorter sentences can up the tension. Longer sentences flow and drain the tension away. What do you want you reader to experience with this paragraph? If you want them to be tense, keep them with her, in her mind.

Sample way to fix this:

Two days later, as she sat outside Dr. Walsh’s office, her mind raced. She didn’t think it likely he’d be familiar with the online source. Yet he might recognize the quote she hadn’t attributed. It was possible he had called her there for another reason. But, deep down, she knew he’d figured it out. Very soon, she could be expelled from the university.

Consistency, grammar and pacing

Suddenly, he saw the cane, a remnant from the person who had the office before him, that was tucked away in the corner of his office. He paused, staring at it. Desire began to well in him, battling for attention. He began to argue with himself in his mind.

This first long sentence can be broken into two sentences. One kicks off the mood, the other takes the reader further into his mind. A change from passive to active story telling keeps the reader in the moment.

Suddenly, he saw the cane tucked away in the corner. The remnant from the person who had the office before him gave him an idea. Staring at it, he paused. Desire welled in him, battling for attention. Mentally, he argued with himself.

Okay. It’s your turn.

Write on!

Ruby

PS

Are you writing a story for the story contest? If you are, great! Let's have you post the story in a new thread on this level, first. Then we can run through this same assignment with that story.

What is your next official writing assignment? You decide.

1. Update this story

2. Post your draft for the story contest here, get private feedback, and then update that story. After the update, you can enter it in the contest.