Hi Gregsta,

Congratulations on taking on this assignment and being brave enough to tackle it from the woman’s personal point of view.

The assigned photo has been given a wonderful tale with a beginning, middle and end.

There is so much to enjoy. Action for our leading lady, action all around her, people getting hot and bothered and doing something about it. Yum!

All in all, it was a delightful read and truly shows your creativity. This is a very good story. You’ve passed this assignment and deserve a big high five!

Join me in doing the happy dance.

For your next assignment, you are going to up the quality and believability a notch or three. Take this same story, the same “personal perspective” and work on these things:

a. Pacing – through the use of punctuation, commas and periods.
b. Active versus passive descriptions
c. Really making us believe that a woman wrote it.
d. Layout – break those big paragraphs down and add in more dialog
e. Keeping the tense appropriate for the moment.

Please put the updated version in this thread.

To keep the story under 5,000 words, ask yourself what can be cut and what should be augmented?

You did a great deal of “showing” as well as “telling”. More showing would have helped us be with her in the moment. Yet there were times, when I was right there, seeing through her eyes. This just requires a bit more practice.

Did I believe that it was written by a woman?

No.

Things to consider for your next version.

Women notice details.

What did the men small like?
Taste like?
Feel like?
What did they say to her?
What did their voices sound like?

At times you did excellent in this. At others you skipped the minor details completely.

What does our leading lady look like?
Is she short, round, tall, or curvy?
Hair color? Eye color?

What is the character/background of this woman?

She sounds educated, but then uses phrases like a “two dollar whore” or “my slutty mouth”. This gives away that it was written from a male perspective.

Narration and Dialog

There is almost no actual dialog. The one line “go rigid” was fracken hot! What else were they whispering? What did their breath smell like? What sensations did their words evoke?

At times our leading lady seemed very clinical in her descriptions. As if she was removed from the scene and not experiencing it.

No sooner had I thought it when a thick cock head entered my mouth and I felt fingers begin to penetrate my pussy and ass.

What did it taste like? What did the fingers feel like? Did they hurt? Were they gentle?

Pacing

Ruby’s rule: When writing erotica or porn, if your leading lady gets to come, your readers should come along with her. Time should slow down, we should feel each sensation with her, be reaching for the climax with her, and savoring it before moving on.

Biting clamps took up residence on my pussy lips causing a sharp intake of my breath and another wire was attached by clamp to my clitoral hood. I couldn’t actually watch this taking place due to the large cock that was continuing to pound my mouth and occasionally the back of my throat causing me to gag. The sub in me was ecstatic, this was all I had imagined and more.

This bit was great! Notice its “active” versus “passive”.

Tenses

Let’s tackle a paragraph that sets up the story:

Hurricane Jack was forming in the Atlantic and heading toward us in Florida very quickly. I was just glad its timing was impeccable, it would hit on a weekend and we would be partying as it passed over us.

She couldn’t be glad yet. The hurricane was forming and hadn’t happened. She can hope that the timing would be impeccable, but as of yet, not know.

At worst it may cost a day at work and the income that day provided. It was not a bad hurricane as far as hurricanes went, certainly nothing like Katrina, so we were all pretty comfortable with the idea of an extended weekend sex party at John’s storm proof mansion.

Again, she doesn’t know, but it can look like the hurricane wouldn’t be bad.

And so it goes. As you reread the story, look to see where you might have tipped off the reader by mixing what the story teller knows after the fact versus during the moment. This helps keep us in a state of “present” even though you are using the “past” tense. And please, keep using the past tense, not the present tense.

Questions? Fire away.

Congratulations, again on passing this assignment.

To your next success!

Ruby