Gregsta,

You've greatly improved on so many things! You did a wonderful job taking this story and "bumping" it up a notch. There is so much more to enjoy. The dialog added, mmmm, fantastic.

The "woman's" personal point of view shines brightly throughout this version. Smells, tastes, feelings, sensations, and descriptions are all much better.

I also like how the voice of the story has morphed into a naughty, fun, erotic and at time humorous confession. Clever comments about how women think such as "Never satisfied are we." help me, the reader, to like this person, to connect with her. Well done!

Give yourself a huge pat on the back. Congratulations!!!
I'm sending long distance hugs and squeezes.

I've already given you your next reading and writing assignment. However, if you want to post this one in the library, I would like to see one more editing refresh focusing on three areas:

1. Add commas. If you pause when reading it aloud, a comma should probably be inserted. Check when commas should be used in quotes and how they are used as pauses and before conjunctions. (Hint - the assigned reading will help with this action item.)

2. Quicken the pacing by taking your long, long, long sentences and split them into smaller ones.

3. Punctuation and spelling - ending questions with a ?, sentences with a . and checking those things like "waist" versus "waste".

Here's an example - you wrote:

I decided to try and get my whole hand into myself and succeeded. The sensation was amazing and I could feel my muscles clench and spasm as I neared orgasm. Several men casually masturbated as they watched me and I gestured for one to come over. I looked into his eyes and said.

“Please tell me how dirty I look.”

Making shorter sentences to speed the pace and action would look like this:

I decided to get my whole hand into myself. And I succeeded. The sensation was amazing. I could feel my muscles clench and spasm. As I neared orgasm, several men masturbated while watching me . I gestured for one to come over.

I looked into his eyes and said, "Please tell me how dirty I look.”

If you decided to tackle those three things, please place the new version in this thread, so you and other students can see the progression and improvement from one version to the next.

"Oooh, Gregsta. I love it when you talk dirty!" exclaimed Ruby. "Mmmm."

Congratulations again! You did a great job on this assignment.

Ruby


PS

One more thing is added to your next assignment. When writing action sequences or descriptions, try to remove the words "was", "were", "began", and "being". If you find yourself writing "she was sitting" change it to "she sat".

You can do it!