Safewords and Safesigns

[His Slut]

Clever.

Thanks, my dear! I thought so, too.

[Sir_G]

Well done cariad this is a great thread. Very thought provoking. Mina I enjoyed what you wrote and note that you and your Master know each other well and you mentioned he pretty much knows how much you can take. In that situation I think the lack of a safe word or the choice not to use one is appropriate.

I also really enjoyed forgive me I just know I'm going to spell your name wrong and I'm doing this in quick reply so I don't have the benefit of quotes - ahh dehlia. Your post based on your experience is great because it illustrates the point from actual experience. Thanks for sharing it and what a great first post.

Any one that can bone me in on how to do multiple quotes I would appreciate it. Thaaaaaaaankss.

[Ruby]

Delia, well said in your previous post.
Safewords are there for a reason.

His Slut, "diamonds" is a great word.
May I suggest you add another to communicate
when you want to slow down, but not induce a full stop?

---

There are many reasons for safewords and signs, some not always so obvious, because they have nothing to do with playtime and yet, it's important to stop the session.

Things like:

• leg / arm / stomach cramps
• another person has entered the home (children, neighbor, family member, etc.)
• Some one is knocking at the door or
• An important message just came in the answering machine

Some safe "signs" that have helped others:

Sub holds an object in their hand - like a ball - that they drop if they need their doms attention

Sub holds an object that makes a noise - think rubber ducky, a squeeky toy, or even a battery operated toy gun - when sub squeezes, but not if sub doesn't squeeze said toy

While it's tempting to let sub hold a water pistol, they might be less inclined to use it if there were consequences involved.

[fantassy]

His Slut, "diamonds" is a great word.
May I suggest you add another to communicate
when you want to slow down, but not induce a full stop?

Hmm, if full stop is diamonds, should slow be "cubic zirconia"?

[Silke]

While it's tempting to let sub hold a water pistol, they might be less inclined to use it if there were consequences involved.

Oh my God, I'd love to try that one...

[scabrat]

Depends on a lot of factors, especially the type of scene and how well the participants know each other. An advantage of agreeing a safeword, that many people miss, is that it allows the 'victim' to protest and beg for mercy, to stop! please no more! and really get into the role (as said earlier). Not every one gets off on being silent, or counting strokes in the classical style. I like to play out a 'NC role' the quotes inticating it is of course negotiated. that would be impossible if you couldn't protest, and since a protest would be quite rightly ignored, I believe it is essential to have a safe word unless the participants are psychic.
For others however it is important not just to feel powerless, but to BE powerless and step where there is no backing out. The top really does have to know and read his victim well for this.
Safety in BDSM, much like in real life, is a matter of compromise. The need has to be balanced with the risk, and I think is different for every scene, activity and participant.

[RickBulow74]

I am currently involved in a conversation in the chat room with someone who is fairly new to our lifestyle about safewords.

Do you think they are a good thing, and do you consider they add or subtract from playtimes? Does it make any difference if you know and trust the Dom/me you are playing with?

cariad

I might be new to the lifestyle, but I had done a lot of research to know that safewords are an EXCELLENT thing to have, and they add to the playtime. I recall when I had been in a scene online I was gagged, yet the Mistress I was with had placed something in my hand and told me to drop it if I needed to discuss something or tell her to stop. I know not how it will work for me once I extend it to real time, but I feel that they are very important and it definately makes a difference if you know and trust the Dominant you are with as one Dominant might use one thing as a safeword, and another might use a totally different one so if you were to use the safeword you used with one, it might not work with the other.

Hope this helps any,

Rick Bulow

[Dragon's muse]

Another good reason for safewords, even if partners know each other well, is that in the case of females many things, hormonal and emotional may affect what their limits may be at a particular time. At certain points in her menstrual cycle, a woman may be more or less sensitive to pain. If anyone is not well rested or hungry or tired they may not be able to take as much as they have previously.

We always know my safewords are there, even though i haven't used them in years.

[mortsgirl]

Yeah, but... It soo hard to use a safe word. I feel like I'm failing my dom.

[_ID_]

Yeah, but... It soo hard to use a safe word. I feel like I'm failing my dom.

This is a VERY common thought among submissives. If your Dom wants to show you that you don't fail by uttering a safe word. Perhaps you could suggest a safe word scene. Him deciding what and how. He needs to take you there, and reassure you that you didn't fail.

V/R
ID

[Psynymph]

so what is everyone's stance on the whole..."He's your Master, He has the right to ignore you safeword" thing?

i've many a Dom say that is you are a complete slave, as in your Master has total control over you, that includes the usage of a safeword. and whereas you can still by all means shout out your safeword, your Master would have the right to ignore it if He felt it was ok to do so.

now i kinda understand the mentality behind this....but how does everyone else feel about this?

btw...my safeword is blue clues....because i figured if i was using my safeword, i was going to need something to make me laugh.....and how can you not smile at a bouncy blue dog?

[vistana]

so what is everyone's stance on the whole..."He's your Master, He has the right to ignore you safeword" thing?

I think that's bogus.
You can play without a safeword, go ahead, if you're comfortable with it. I don't have one at the moment and that's just fine for me right now. But if you have a safeword then the safe word is an absolute. otherwise what's the point?
If the Dom wants to play like this, then have graduated safe words, something that means 'I don't want this anymore' but isn't an absolute 'I can't take this anymore'.

I once had my safeword (gesture, actually) go unnoticed and that was a very rough experience. Having it willfully ignored would fuck with me badly. and not in a good way.

Of course, if you choose to have a situation where your safeword can be ignored, go for it, just please be careful! And I'd have to wonder why you'd choose to have one at all. If it's Master's final call no matter what, then why not just stick with your genuine 'no's and 'please don't's?

[_ID_]

As far as a safe word being used and ignored. Well it comes down to simple consensuality. Do you consent to that kind of behavior, if you do, then it is acceptable. If you do not, then it is abuse. It's simple as that.

When entering into a relationship with a Dom, are you looking for total slavery, or consensual slavery? If you are looking for the total slave status. Then a safe word would simply be for the Dom to gauge if they had surpassed your ability to withstand something.

There is actually a website dedicated to this line of thinking. I don't subscribe to the ideals, and so I didn't keep track of it. To me, without the consensual nature of the relationship, the power exchange looses it's appeal.

V/R
ID

[Swtsubmissve]

my former Master and i had a safe word, at first... and at times i would call it out just cause i was being a wimp, sometimes just to test Him and see if He would stop, and sometimes because i needed it... after awhile it got the point where He knew my moves and my no's and my stops... that the safe word was not needed... it was still an option, but hardly needed.... Safe words are vital to gaining trust and should be in play at all times even during punishments... no matter how long a couple has been together.... not saying that it should be or has to be used but should be there... because once a limit is reached there is a new limit in its place that must now be reached...

[master 327-834-200]

Safe, sane and consensual are our maxims in this life and no matter how experienced you are, or how gentle the play is safewords should be part of your negotiations before commencing any type of play. Special consideration should be made if you are to use any form of gag, blindfold or bondage.

May I also say how important safewords are for the Dominant as well as the slave. I personally would advise anyone who plays with a partner who says they do not use safewords to run a mile, or to at least insist and discuss the reasons why.

[jeanne]

Hi all,

After a long discussion about safewords with the one I submit to, I decided to search for a good thread discussing safewords and came across this one. There's some widely varying viewpoints here and I found each one interesting (and one or two downright scary).

Here are my thoughts - based on my conversations with him:

First, I must say that I've only used my safeword once - and it was on a writing task that was psychologically difficult for me - one that to anyone else would be "no big deal" - but for me, it was a big deal. And I couldn't do it. And he respected the safeword, just as he has promised to always do.

I believed that safewords were for me alone. A way to slow down or stop something that was too much. A protection for me against him. After several conversations about the topic, over several months, I now know better. Yes, the safeword is still a protection for me. But, ultimately, I believe (because he explained it to me) the safeword is for him. He trusts that I will use it if necessary (and only if necessary - not to "test" him). The safeword gives him ultimate freedom to use that which belongs to him (me) without fear of going too far. As a result, we both get to experience each other completely, without fear.

Another thing he has promised to me - not to push me too far, too hard, too quickly, just to see if I'll use the safeword. He considers that to be a breach of the bond between us.

Isn't he simply wonderful? (Yes, I'm gooey over him.)

jeanne

[Sir_Russell]

jeanne.

There is a problem with depending too much on a safe word. If you are gone into either sub-space or hyper-orgasm space you MAY forget to use the safe word or not even know you should. This is why the Dom job is very hard, he must be the one in control and that includes knowing that he is about to go to far.

I learned this one the hard way and hope my advice will help you both.

[jeanne]

jeanne.

There is a problem with depending too much on a safe word. If you are gone into either sub-space or hyper-orgasm space you MAY forget to use the safe word or not even know you should. This is why the Dom job is very hard, he must be the one in control and that includes knowing that he is about to go to far.

I learned this one the hard way and hope my advice will help you both.

Sir_Russell,

Thanks so much for your post! Yes, you are right - being unable to remember it is a concern of both of ours. Fortunately, he's moving ahead in small steps (no big leaps from level to level) and is taking the time to "learn me". And, when he is unsure about my body language he backs off/slows down a bit and then he asks me afterward what was I thinking at that time. Again proving that communication is key. A perfect example - he's learned that my squirming away a bit is not a stop sign - it's just my body's initial reaction to something new. After a few moments, all is well. I simply need to adjust. And want the opportunity to adjust. He's ended things prematurely once or twice based on that, until he realized what was really happening.

I expect getting to that "can't remember" place is quite far into the future for us, and by then he will know me well enough to be able to judge for himself.

I thank you again,
jeanne

[caligirl{Rob}]

Sir_Russell,

Thanks so much for your post! Yes, you are right - being unable to remember it is a concern of both of ours. Fortunately, he's moving ahead in small steps (no big leaps from level to level) and is taking the time to "learn me". And, when he is unsure about my body language he backs off/slows down a bit and then he asks me afterward what was I thinking at that time. Again proving that communication is key. A perfect example - he's learned that my squirming away a bit is not a stop sign - it's just my body's initial reaction to something new. After a few moments, all is well. I simply need to adjust. And want the opportunity to adjust. He's ended things prematurely once or twice based on that, until he realized what was really happening.

I expect getting to that "can't remember" place is quite far into the future for us, and by then he will know me well enough to be able to judge for himself.

I thank you again,
jeanne

how very well stated jeanne! I absolutely agree communication is the key, and that goes for body language and overall temperment as well...by taking the time to get to know how I work, He is able to take me to places I could never have imagined!
hugs!
cali