Maddie,

This is a wonderful update. Congratulations!
It will make a fine contest entry. Good luck.

A few comments:

You've kept the "was" passive voice for important descriptions and upped the active voice for the action. Very nice.

In both versions, you began with POV of the leading lady and ended with the POV of the leading man. It works well and the ending doesn't feel rushed or hurried.

Writers tend to have favorite words and phrases. We all have make sure that we don't use them too much or too often.

In your case, it's using words that end in "ly" to help the reader identify the action. Slowly, hesitantly, carefully, and finally are examples. Where you've used them, they are often redundant. Because in most of those sentences you've given the reader plenty of information to understand the action unfolding.

There is one nit in the last paragraph. You wrote:

As he watched her, watched her hair sway, he moved his right hand to the ring on his left hand and turned the band slowly.

It's just a bit awkward and might be better phrased like this:

As he watched her hair sway, he moved his right hand to the ring on his left hand and turned the band slowly.

or this

Watching her hair sway, he moved his right hand to the ring on his left hand and turned the band slowly.

It's your turn.

Did you find it hard or easy to make the suggested changes?

How's the reading going?

Are you ready for your next writing assignment?

Drop me a PM or answer me here.

Congratulations again!

Ruby