Originally posted by BDSM_Tourguide
Abuse, for the purpose of this thread is the specific dictionary definition.

Abuse n.

To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.
To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.
To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile.


Abuse is abuse, okay. Even if it occurs between consenting parties it's still abuse in the technical sense of the word definition only. But it's only a label definition, opposing the contrasting behaviour that is deemed 'ideal' say, by religious leaders, relationship experts, psychologists etc: to 'not hurt', to not malign,etc.

I once had a female friend, that I had to disengage from due to her self destructive behaviour, and destructive behaviour to other people. She wasn't sexually abused, or mistreated by her parents, however her parents or the dynamics of their relationship, her fathers infidelities and verbal attacks toward her mother, this girls love for her father and loathing of her mother's submissiveness had weird results in that she sought men that were attached or married, if a partner wasn't in the picture, it wasn't a challenge. If the guy dumped her or she pursued the affair, she would annoy the person to the point of verbal abuse, and she kept on coming back for more - masochism? If a man threatened her physically she would goad them on, more masochism. If a hapless girlfriend of the man challenged her, she would get nasty, verbally accost them, spread vile rumours - her sadism? or sadistic streak?..

Abuse doesn't have to be overt, it can be so subtle and can still produce an effect that is palpable. So yes, definitely in some cases, not all, many people that have experienced some level of abuse are attracted to various aspects of behaviour that can be associated with BDSM, even though the person themselves might not label their behaviour.

But I think what differentiates between a preference - that's not based on an abusive past- and one that is based on an abusive past, is a person's altruism. I can't express it, it's not easy to express, but a person that 'needs' something in order to hide certain things of their past, deny them, seeks selfish sexual gratification for their own purpose(it doesn't have to be violent, it can be very subtle, even romantic).. and similar things, has issues they need to work on or acknowledge - especially if abusive tendencies are repetitive. These people usually seek relationships(bdsm etc) that provide repeat performances of their past. BDSM to me is also a state of mind first and foremost before heading into the paraphenalia of it all.

There are many people that are active in bdsm that don't have unresolved issues, however because the lines are blurred, because of the very definition of this type of lifestyle, there will be people with an abusive past, childhood etc, that will be drawn into it and if they haven't resolved their issues they will make life difficult for a partner that is reasonably well adjusted - just like in any relationship, but there is also the potential for them to come across a partner that has issues themselves - the dom or domme that needs that 'fix' - like my previous female friend, she would make a great domme in the sense that some males I've known that fantasise about female domination have been drawn to her, yes it's not healthy as she has issues, but it's something that they don't foresee..

Personally, I've come across abuse, or what can be termed abuse, verbal or behaviour that was dominant in the sense that the person had to make a 'statement' or verify their status, without regard to my feelings in the matter - and not in terms of sex either, but on a personal basis (which is why I can't stomach the 'servitude' aspect)..however I've been able to distinguish that and get right away from it and be able to put my needs first as a person. But this took some time for me to do, because I had to figure out the why's of it all, because I didn't have abusive parents, I didn't have parents in most of my childhood life as they passed away, so I didnt have an abusive father, my mother was relatively independent..but other adults in my life after that point were a weird mix of people, and abuse between them varied from the verbal to the subtle type..

Yes I like the aspect of domination, but not at the cost of my individuality, my needs and my self esteem.
And I think that those that have abusive pasts, in some cases, have lost sight of the importance of self esteem in a relationship and the very fact that although they are part of a relationship, they are still individuals that do have a say in their relationship.