Two sides of humiliation

[Silke]

'k, me again...

I've noticed something and was wondering whether any of you have been in a similar situation. *takes deep breath*

I did a task at the academy a couple of days ago that really had me in a state for a bit. Didn't realize it until way after the actual task was over. It was a short but hot task - all about public humiliation. *blushes* I pretty much showed off my ass in public...well, to the r/l, vanilla public, for a change.

I was nervous as hell about this but also friggin hot, lol. Everything went fine, no accidents, nobody beat me up...hell, nobody even laughed about me openly. So, all is fair? I thought so. Yeah, I was high on adrenaline afterwards and it lasted until I finished the task at home and wrote my report. Then the wait began...

Something went off track between finishing the task and speaking to Master later that night. I suddenly felt alone, dirty somehow, wondered why the hell I've been doing this task in the first place, doubted my sanity, lol. In short, I waited for feedback, for someone to tell me I'm still loved and respected... The moment I heard this from Master later that night, everything was alright. I'm still a bit shocked at how much I loved this experience and haven't quite digested it yet, but I didn't feel confused and lost anymore.


Now, I've been thinking...is there something harder to digest about a humiliation kink? Is it such a challenge to come to terms with it (outside of the BDSM context when facing the 'nillas) because it's something we'd never accept or feel good about in a 'normal' context? Because it's about stuff 'you just don't do'?

Anybody else has this kink and has found it a challenge to come find your peace with it?

Silke

[_ID_]

Silke - while reading your post, it occured to me that you might have had a version of sub drop that others talked about in the aftercare thread. Not sure since I wasn't there, just what you describe is what it made me think of it.

As far as a kink I have had trouble dealing with. I enjoy asphyxia, the act of choking my partner. It is a very large turn on for me. However I fear of loosing control of the situation, and going to far. I haven't yet, but it has caused me to feel pensive during the fun.

V/R
ID

[Silke]

I'm not sure it was as intense as sub drop...but who knows. It wasn't limited to the mere situation, though. Humiliation and my obvious love for it is something that I find hard to come to terms with in general. I just find it hard to understand how this can make me hot and to just sit back and enjoy the ride...

Oh, and I understand about the asphyxia issue...it must be scary as hell to have such a huge responsibility.

[SheepishJaina]

I've not experienced that from humiliation Silke, but i have felt "panic-ish" after doing something that wasn't humiliation. My thoughts were more along the line of oh my god should i have done this, was it the right thing to do, and unclean as well. I've always associated it with the high level of religion and morals i was raised with. The inner voice that questions everything, despite that fact that i don't believe what i did was wrong in anyway. Though i think in this case, perhaps it was both kicking in, in your subconcious? A bit of subdrop coupled with those general "morals" that many of us had driven into us when we were younger.

What you did was not crazy in any way shape or form. I hope your task master is very proud of you

*hugs tightly*

[Silke]

Thanks, brattyone...it's good to know I'm not going crazy, lol

How did you get over your panicky feelings? You know, as much as I love to rely on Master (or the TM in that case, too) to set my head straight afterwards and make me a happy sub again...I'd love to find a way to deal with this myself. He's not always there when I'm tasking, can't be since we're online. Will it just take practice to feel more at ease with those feelings?

[Silke]

Wow, delia...you said it so much better...that's exactly what I wanted to get across. So, I guess it's part of the whole story...you can't have the humiliation part without the doubts, eh? Only way is to work out a healthier way to deal with the aftershocks...

Thank you for sharing. *hugs*

[fantassy]

Speaking from total ignorance here since humiliation isn't my kink, but, since you performed this task in front of the vanilla public, perhaps afterwards your mind viewed yourself and the task from the perspective of the vanilla public. (Let's face it, vanilla grandma who saw would purse her lips and say what a slut, how appalling). Once you spoke to your dom, your mind was able to view yourself and the task from his bdsm perspective. (Excellent sub - Very hot and freeing.) I bet you could have spoken to anyone here at the forum, and gotten the same shift in perspective. So until you are comfortable enough in your role as a sub that your mind isn't torn, you probably just need to seek reassurance here if your dom isn't available. You know you can always find love and support here. Don't wait to seek it.

fantassy

[Silke]

*smiles* good point, fantassy. Having just spent a few hours in the chat and discussing this there, I'd certainly agree that it helps. I'll be back if this ever happens again.