Heartbroken - but its my own damn fault

[koppite727]

i dont think i will ever find anyone. i have been a slave, as a live-in, for the past 5 months. We started simply as slave and owner, and in the contract it stated no sexual contact between us, that I would only be a slave. I didnt think I was going to fall in love. But I did, eventually. She had recently broken up with her boyfriend and for some reason I was hoping that maybe it was because of me. I was so happy. I kept thinking, wow, I was finally living a dream. I would finally be owned by someone. Our play got more intense. She began to mark me permenantly, branding me with the letters of her name, 3 out of the 8 so far. i even had her initial tattooed on my body, actually she took me to the tattoo parlor and said it was what i was getting lol. but as it turns out, this was all just play to her i guess. she met someone who she wanted as her boyfriend. its not me. i will only be her slave. i know its my own fault. and to her credit, she is new to all of this, for the most part. but i just cant help thinking...

do dominant women really want submissive men as boyfriends/slaves or husbands/slaves? can it really happen? or should i just resign myself to being single for the rest of my life and forget about finding someone who understands me?

i feel used but i asked for it. but i also feel depressed, sad, heartbroken, and utterly dejected. i am not sure why i posted here but i just cant take this pain anymore. i tried to tell her that i fell in love with her, but she didnt want to hear it. i asked her that we not play so much, since i think thats what made me go crazy for her. She didnt listen. when we were playing at one point i began to cry telling her i loved her and wanted to be hers. she slapped my face over and over telling me to shut up. i know it sounds kind of hot. and maybe in a month or two i would agree. but for now, all i know is that she is using me and i feel everyday like i want to vomit.

[Timberwolf]

I'm very sorry you've had to go through this experience. Now, where to even begin. I'm not going to make any effort to pretend that reading your post hasn't got me highly agitated. You deserve better than what you're being put through.

" She began to mark me permenantly, branding me with the letters of her name, 3 out of the 8 so far. i even had her initial tattooed on my body, actually she took me to the tattoo parlor and said it was what i was getting lol. but as it turns out, this was all just play to her i guess. "

Marking someone permanently as "play" is simply wrong. Period. Quite frankly you've been violated.

"i know its my own fault."

We all have to take responsibility for our own actions, yes. But being abused is not your fault. That includes a woman who would do the things she's obviously done to you. I would hope the bitch (and if no one else will say it, as one of the local main voices for sub males I certaily will) has a hard time looking herself in the mirror. But I somehow doubt she will.

"do dominant women really want submissive men as boyfriends/slaves or husbands/slaves? can it really happen?"

Absolutely. It can happen.

"or should i just resign myself to being single for the rest of my life and forget about finding someone who understands me?"

Don't give up the hope. You're worth something. We all are.

"i feel used but i asked for it."

Don't make excuses for her behaviour. She's abusing you and you deserve better. What is happening to you is wrong. You are a human being and you have value, and if I were you, as hard as it is, I'd run like hell.

She isn't worth your love. Anyone who would abuse you isn't. It's hard being a man trapped in an abusive situation, there isn't much of a system in place to help people in that position. But you either need to get out on your own or find help where you can. Judging from your words I'd say you are being badly mentally manipulated by this... person.

Nobody deserves to be treated the way you're being treated. You are worth better. Get out, fast.

I can't say anymore because I find your post too upsetting for rational comments and I know I'm already on thin ice with certain people around here. But please find help, or get out.

(I've in the past had it told to me from several directions here in not so subtle ways that my style can be too blunt and it can cause arguements. If that is the case here, too bad. I call a spade a spade, and I shine light on cockroaches when I find them. I'm not going to sit here and tolerate someone being abused.)

[frankee]

koppite,

i have to agree with everything TW said.

What this woman did/does to you is inexusable. She has taken your deep and emotional attachment to her and used it for her gain, she knows you are in love with her and she knows you will keep coming back for more.

'Nobody deserves to be treated the way you're being treated. You are worth better. Get out, fast.'

i believe that is sound advice from TW. But ultimately the final decision is yours. Sit back and think...if a friend of yours was being treated the way you have been treated, what would you think? You can be in love and have a healthy D/s relationship...just food for thought.

Your whole situation really upset me, but what upset me the most is that she permanently marked you for 'play'. That is extremely disturbing.

There are a lot of caring and compassionate people in this community, i am positive that any one of us will lend a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.

Take care

*big hugs*

[Tojo]

Hmm, seems like you'd be better off being single for the rest of your life than to be treated in a way that makes you feel used & makes you sick?

Yes of course there are decent people in the world who treat their partners with respect. They may not be easy to find, but you only need one.

You've proved that you have brains & courage by posting here- enough it seems to take control of your life.

No subby, male or female should let someone else run their life- you need to always be in control.

Tojo

[cariad]

koppite,

Heartbreak happens to nearly all of us who dare to love, be it in a vanilla relationship or BDSM one. I sincerely hope that the wounds from that will start to fade with time and that you will find someone who is worthy of your devotion.

Your post however leaves me nearly speechless with rage at how you have been treated and I feel as if I have been hit in the stomach. The woman you were with abused your love for her and used it as a weapon against you. In my book that means she looses the right to be called a Domme but should be called a Bully. I know you say she was new to the lifestyle, but that is no defense for not having human understanding and consideration for other people.

I had your post drawn to my attention by Timberwolf who was concerned for you - he has never done that before - so that gives you a feeling for how strongly he feels. At the moment I am struggling to not type off a long rant about how wrong abuse is, regardless of what cover it is done under. That may yet come, if I am unable to contain it!

But why am I so furious - because NOBODY has the right to make you feel unworthy. You have given this woman your heart - the most precious thing you can offer her - and not only has she not embraced it, but she has used that knowledge to delibrately hurt you.

There may be people who will post in this thread saying that you have made mistakes, I am sure with hindsight you will probably agree with them, but that is irrelevant. We all make mistakes, but that does not give anyone the right to abuse us.

We do not know you well, since you are new to forums, but your words show us a lot about you, and what a warm sensitive person you are.

You are not worthy of the treatment you are being given - you are worthy of much much better. I personally plead with you to leave this woman as soon as you can. The longer you stay with her, the more harm she will do you - physically and emotionally and spiritually. Please, please however much you love her get out.

I would love to discuss this with you further, either here or in PM's if you wish - because I realise that there are all sorts of practical and emotional issues involved.

Above all - you are worthy - please look after yourself as you deserve to be looked after.

huuuuuuuuuugs
cariad

[riverwindsong]

Koppite, my heart goes out to you, not in pity, but in strength and courage. What you are going through is inhumane. To echo all of the other people - TW, Frankee, Tojo, and Cariad - you are in an abusive relationship, and you do not deserve it. You are a good person, you deserve to love and be loved, and not have that love turned against you or used as a weapon to destroy your self worth.

Being a submissive does not mean that you have to subject your soul to abuse. Being marked permanently in a manner that is not taken seriously by both parties is not right. The fact that she is new to this does not excuse her from her abhorrent behaviour, nor does it give her the right to subject you to this kind of treatment. Submissive or not, you have the right to walk away, even though it may hurt when you are doing it. You have the right to feel secure and safe and loved. You have the right to be angry at this treatment.

Listen to your instincts. Listen to yourself. If your heart is telling you this behaviour is wrong, this relationship is wrong, it is. Trust yourself. Have courage and faith in yourself first and foremost. What you are going through is difficult, but you have taken the first and most important step: you have realized that you are no longer satisfied in a relationship that has taken a very, very wrong turn. To echo TW's words: Get out, now.

You are a worthy person, worthy of love, worthy of respect, worthy of common decency, as we all are. You did not ask to be abused; no one does. This is not your fault. You have to believe that.

Know that you do have an entire community here that will support you through this. You have taken the biggest step of all - reaching out for help. Please know that you are valuable, you are important. And know that we will not turn you away. Please...keep in touch, and let us know how you are doing. We want to know that you are ok.

*hugs*

[Uncle_Ed]

koppite727,

I tenatively mentioned abuse on this site a while back.I was horrifed at the number of incidents where trust has been betrayed and hearts wounded, if not permanently shattered.

The common thread running throughout the tales of recovery is always that the abusee had someone to talk to, a shoulder for support and some good old-fashioned LOVE. There! I've dared to use the "L" word again.

Stick with this Forum, my friend, and you will receive an out-pouring of warm feelings and love from here. There truly are some special people who understand your situation and who can help.

As for your current position, I have to agree with my fellows above-you have to cease this relationship. You have clearly stated your feelings to her and she has chosen to ignore them. This is not a healthy or alltogether sane relationship-and must be terminated.

I sincerely pray that you stay on here and that your life becomes your dream.

Ed.

[ElectricBadger]

Wow...just wow...reading through your post leaves me just horrified, koppite, that anyone would do such a thing to you. Clearly, you have been taken serious advantage of, and that's very wrong. You asked to be a sub, yeah, but your Domme has abused you emotionally and physically -- where is her responsibility to take of you in this? Permanent markings that weren't supposed to mean anything...particularly with her name? Refusing to let up on play for your emotional well being? That's twisted and sick abuse of what we all hold dear. Don't put up with it. Bail. Clearly your Domme has a hell of a lot to learn, first of all to respect her partner, and you sholdn't be a guinea pig for that.

Seriously, if your partner doesn't respect you, fuck em. Humiliating, dominating, controlling should never include a lack of respect (although yes, sometimes that respect comes in quirky ways, the most vile term should still be full of it).

As for the possibility of a permanent relationship as a male sub...oh my god yes. I'd say half the men out there are living it to some degree! I'm in the reverse situation, a top and my wife is the bottom, but we've been married 6 years, a couple for 10. There's no lack of wonderful women who want to take care of a cherished pet...don't let some fuckwit abuse you. Like all relationships, it's hard to find the "right one"; all I can suggest is to stop worrying about it and enjoy everyone and everything in the now...that's what's most likely to help you find the right one, and for them to find you.

[selkie]

koppite - I'm not going to repeat everything each of the others have said - other than they are RIGHT.

DO NOT FORGET - our submissiveness is a GIFT - a precious gift! she is undeserving and IF she is so "new" then all the more reason she should have been careful in exploring the lifestyle!

[Warbaby1943]

koppite there is nothing can add but to agree that you should run as fast as you can and get away from her. Good luck my friend.

[MsUther]

koppite. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish you the best of luck for your times ahead. Please contact me or anyone above if you feel you want to.
Much has been said here already, and I dont have more to add. I will second all the suport and understanding you have got.
Take good care of yourself, koppite.

[angelfreak]

The only thing I feel I can add to what's already been said is that submission shouldn't make one feel sick and less of a person...it should improve your feelings of self-worth and make one a better person.

Much better to be alone than to be abused day in and day out.

*HUGS*

Please, please, please make use of the people who have offered you help and, even though there isn't much I can do, I can listen. Let me know if you need someone to talk to.

*HUGS* again

[koppite727]

thank you. i dont know how to make it sound more heartfelt. but after reading everything that all of you wrote this morning, i feel so cared for. i know the pain is a byproduct of the relationship and it will take time to go away. but just knowing that all of you took the time to help me figure my way through this hell has given me real hope. I will definitely write a few of you who offered more prespective.

You are right, all of you, she shouldnt have disregarded my feelings to benefit her personal situation. I know the brands are pretty much permanent, but learning from this is worth the scars. I can see it now as what it really is. Sometimes, especially when love is involved, I seem to see things for what I want them to be and not for what they really are. And it looks as though she was manipulating me. I should have known it after she had been cheating on her ex with her new guy. and who knows, maybe her new guy has something she needs. it wouldnt surprise me.

i cant say it enough. thank you, thank you, thank you. i had no one to talk to about this and listening to elliott smith over and over was not going to get me out of this. i really hope i can come back in a bit and give everyone a happy ending. or at least an ending. you have all been so understanding and nice to me. its a nice feeling. i really cant say it enough. thank you

koppite

[SheepishJaina]

koppite,

just to add in to what everyone else has said, which I completely agree with. Never should you feel used in your relationship. That's abuse. You should never ever have regret for who you are. It's not healthy. This relationship you are in should be helping to strengthen who you are as a person, not tear you apart inside.

You are right about learning from the scars. *hugs* we all have them from some point or another. I'm sorry that you have had this experience. Just remember that with every experience, it's shaping us into who we are ment to be in this life. (i've said this before, but i truely believe it) Life is full of fires, forging us into our perfect form. It's up to us to decide if we want those fires to destroy us or refine us.

Please feel free to PM me or message me anytime you need to talk.

[Putnamcocpl]

Many years ago, long before I was married, I met a girl, who, at the age of 17, ( I was 19 ) had her ex boyfriends name, initals tattooed everywhere. And I do mean everywhere.

While it gave me a kinksters thrill to play with "Rocky's Pussy" ( Yes, it was there, Black Ink ) It led to my personal view on marking, tattoos or otherwise. On my arm, is a burning heart, and from the flames a phoenix is rising. I met, and married my wife well over 18 yrs ago. I hope/pray/believe we will be together until one of us shuffles off this mortal plane, But I will not put her name there. Anytime.

I quite agree with each and ever statement made by the other posts. However, its expensive, and can be painful, but a good plastic surgeon can repair the damage done, and remove the scars and the tattoo. Unless you truly love having ink, and trust the artist, Dont go for a cover up of either the initial or the brands.

I want to offer one point that I didnt see in th advise above, Unless being a cuckold is your thing, I believe a clean break with this "girl" ( I use this because, like some many girls, she appears to not have grown up yet. But still wants to play as a woman would) Is the best course of action to take. Finding a new Domme is better than being subjected to further abuse.

I wish you the best of wishes, as you go through this horrible time.

[maddie]

selkie is right -- never, EVER forget that submission to another is a gift. It is yours to give and yours to take away when you no longer feel you can give it.

[cookiecat]

koppite - i can't add much more than the advice & support you've received from others here.

we all do crazy things in the name of love/lust....but it is not your own fault. it takes two to make anything happen & she definitely took extreme advantage of your feelings.

what i will add is that this is a caring community and there are many here who have offered an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.... please find refuge & support here & use this time to heal.

take very good care - cookiecat

[TomOfSweden]

Without repeating too much, I just wanted to add. Don't worry. Even if it feels bad now, you'll find someone special one day. I'm sure this whole experience will in the long run make you stronger and better at finding a perspective mate in the future. I can very much identify myself with being used and abused once in my youth, (Masters have feelings to). Permanent markings wasn't involved but I can very much remember the similar feelings I had.

The most important thing I think is worth repeating here is what Timberwolf said so aply, "don't make excuses for her". I know it's compelling to pursue her, but just don't. It'll just give you more pain and above all, she clearly doesn't deserve you.

[Radiance]

I would just like to say.shes treated you badly and everything everyone else has said you should listen too,I am married to my sub and we should treat our loved ones with respect,Just get out and find a Domme that will enjoy and respect you.She isnt doing either and it saddens me...Radiance

[dzire2pleeze]

Okay...Koppite...real life has gotten in the way of me posting here, but when cariad directed me to your post, i felt that you are worth the time. Worth the time.

I agree that submission is a gift...it's a gift to be treasured. How can someone that is receiving this gift... a most precious one at that...not treat it with the utmost respect and care? The only thing I can think is that this woman ~gags on the word~ is void of emotion.

For you to blame yourself for her inadequacies is just wrong. You are special and should be treated as such; however, if you refuse to see yourself as special, you will continue to accept her abuse...which is not only physical, but worse than that emotional.

As others have said...don't walk away from her...RUN. She doesn't deserve your devotion or your loyalty and she certainly doesn't deserve your love.

There are Dommes out there that would treasure your gift. Seek them out. Remember... you don't need her, she needs you. A Domme without a sub... is not a Domme. Actually, this woman, whom you profess to love...is not a Domme! That, of course, is my humble opinion.

Don't accept further abuse from her. Leave now! Let your heart mend and chalk it up as one of life's lessons. Then move forward, knowing that you have grown and can be proud of yourself.

[Warbaby1943]

Okay...Koppite...real life has gotten in the way of me posting here, but when cariad directed me to your post, i felt that you are worth the time. Worth the time.

I agree that submission is a gift...it's a gift to be treasured. How can someone that is receiving this gift... a most precious one at that...not treat it with the utmost respect and care? The only thing I can think is that this woman ~gags on the word~ is void of emotion.

For you to blame yourself for her inadequacies is just wrong. You are special and should be treated as such; however, if you refuse to see yourself as special, you will continue to accept her abuse...which is not only physical, but worse than that emotional.

As others have said...don't walk away from her...RUN. She doesn't deserve your devotion or your loyalty and she certainly doesn't deserve your love.

There are Dommes out there that would treasure your gift. Seek them out. Remember... you don't need her, she needs you. A Domme without a sub... is not a Domme. Actually, this woman, whom you profess to love...is not a Domme! That, of course, is my humble opinion.

Don't accept further abuse from her. Leave now! Let your heart mend and chalk it up as one of life's lessons. Then move forward, knowing that you have grown and can be proud of yourself.

D2p, excellent! See why you are so missed. Stay!!!

[dzire2pleeze]

Warbaby... you bring a joyful tear to my eye.

See Koppite, we are loving, caring people...who treasure others. Let us embrace you and show you the way. (or is that lead you astray..hmmmmmm?)

[Timberwolf]

koppite,

Just remember that indeed, you are not alone. This place is good for more than information and a few good stories.

[buzzy]

relationships: bdsm, vanilla, guy, lesbian, all have emotions attached to them. We who open our hearts to the romantic side and hope for more, get hurt sometimes. Please, don't change just be careful with your heart, someone will come along to fullfill that now empty place take care

[suchaminx]

koppite

Having read through your words, it saddened me just like it has saddened everyone else. I am so pleased you posted again and yes this is a wonderful place for support and caring. I wish you strength and happiness and if ever you want to talk, either here or in a PM, I will be there to listen.

~hugs~ and thank you for trusting us enough to post minx x

[caged]

Could I make a slightly different comment, hopefully without getting flamed?

Koppite did state that he agreed to a contract that specified no sexual contact. As far as tattooing or branding, it's not clear whether that was agreed and contracted or not.

I'm not saying that what has transpired is not sad and a shame, but it does sound like the domme in this case might have believed she was doing what she said she would do and what Koppite agreed to.

Finally, I must take this opportunity to say that I love your stories Koppite!

[riverwindsong]

koppite, I was so glad to see that you had posted again. Please, please keep in contact with us here. If you ever need an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board, know that we are here for you. Have courage, have faith, and take care of yourself. If you want to talk, please feel free to PM me or anyone who has posted here. Don't feel that you have to walk this road alone. You don't.

*huge hugs*

[Phantome]

Being with someone who is "new" to the lifestyle, treats you love and feelings like dirt, disrespects you, abuses you and calls it "play," and BRANDS YOU AFTER ONLY FIVE MONTHS, FOR GOD'S SAKE, is dangerous, and for your own safety you need to remove yourself from that situation immediately. Regardless of what wannabe noob doms tell you, a slave contract is just a piece of paper. If you want out, then get out and if she has a fit, tell her to grow up. What is she going to do, sue you? No judge would hear the case.

In addition, while you may be the sub, you are also the one in control. Yes, I said it. You're the one in control, because if you don't want to give her your submission, you don't have to. As a previous poster said, submission is a valuable gift, and your dom should treat it as such; if she won't do that, then she doesn't deserve you. I highly reccomend a few threads on this site that address your situation. Look at the acid test in the personals section, a-z of BDSM in the knowledge base section, and do a search on any thread containing the word "abuse." There is a wealth of information that will help guide you to the right decision. I really hope you stick around the forums, because we are a close, supportive family that can help you through difficult times and share with you in good times. Best wishes,
-Phantome

[àiteag]

i don't know what i could say that hasn't been already said, but i hope things work out for the better for you, koppite

~Fillean meal ar an meallaire.

[ElectricBadger]

Koppite did state that he agreed to a contract that specified no sexual contact. As far as tattooing or branding, it's not clear whether that was agreed and contracted or not.

I'm not saying that what has transpired is not sad and a shame, but it does sound like the domme in this case might have believed she was doing what she said she would do and what Koppite agreed to.

No. Absolutely no. Enabling abuse might make it slightly more understandable, but it doesn't excuse it. A top has a serious responsibility to keep the best for their sub in mind, and burning one's name in another's body and attaching no significance to it is a total mindfuck. Maybe if it were something else, anything else, I could try to excuse it. A brand new domme should be carefully watching her own actions -- being very concerned for the welfare of the her sub, not her own thrills. He also confronted her -- at least on two serious occasions -- with his feelings, and asked for a break for his emotion's sake. Slapping the hell out of a sub having an emotional breakdown is a huge red flag.

Did he enable it? Oh yes. But permitted or not, this was brutal manipulation and cruel abuse.

P.S. -- this is NOT a flame. I know it's a bit strong, but that's because the topic is a very serious one. Much love and hugs to caged!