my first real journey into BDSM. i met this gentleman and we talked quite a bit, then he had me do some tasks for him as we talked longer before we discussed meeting. He was respectful and courteous, as i was to him. He explained he had a submissive he played with and sometime would like me to meet her…then a couple months later just before we met changed this to a slave he owned. (i noticed this, thinking it was a transition that could have happened during the time we were talking and did question him about the wording but received no response on this so i placed it in the back of my mind to continue with eyes wide open)
Many times my questions were not answered…i was beginning to think i was not allowed to voice or ask, even though it was to learn only.
His slave and i met online and talked, first always monitored by him as they were not living together yet. She was a wonderful, beautiful person and slave…always his slave first.
These were all beautiful experiences to me, so new and open, i felt so embraced by these two and they both seemed perfect for each other…the love they shared…her worshipping him kind of spooked me at first but i grew to accept this and understand this a bit.
i had met him twice, once in a restaurant to talk and once alone and well…just omg the wonders and beauty, joys, thrills, gasps and energy was breathless.
Later we all met for the first time…the first day scared the crap out of me…his slave and i had built this rapport over the net, and we had with his permission met a few times in person to go shopping, have lunch, watch a movie and get to know each other better. This day we met in person with him, his slave and i were glowing at seeing each other, i saw her glowing for love of him and i was excited to see them both and yes nervous. His slave and i were sitting on the bed and he in the chair watching us talk as we had been given permission…or i was not shown otherwise and she was given permission or freedom to do so (i so hope)
He ordered us to lay down and get to know each other personally (keeping particulars out) and we were still smiling at each other and laughing softly, sighs in there…the next thing i knew there was a sudden weight on top of me and her upper body writhing, her face contorted in pain, her hands and nails sinking into my skin and she was crying…i looked at him on top of me and there was so much darkness in his eyes, so cold…and i believe he was making a statement, she was his and i had trespassed or close to this. omg he is huge and thick, he drove his member…dry…without warning straight into her ass. Then he pulled out and ordered her upstairs to clean him.
Nothing was said…although i did ask why. Another moment stored in my memory, thinking perhaps this too was normal between them, but after this i pulled away from her, tentative of showing feelings for her. I knew with him i could not give him my heart because there was no future in this relationship for me, i was already told this by his slave.
Another month down the road he collared me as his submissive and gave me a chain to wear…two months later releasing me because he had too much in his life and could not be responsible for me. He had his house up for sale and they were moving to the city i lived in. i continued being their friends and yes a playmate…but again being naive i did not really understand this. i went to their house and helped them pack, move, paint the new house, unpack ect. We were friends, why not. Come the summer a huge fight erupted between them and they split up, she left him accusing him of abuse. The night it happened i was not home, and when i got home there were so many messages on my machine, more from her and a couple from him…the phone rang while i was trying to sort out what i was being told and what was wanted from me and i answered to her accusing me of running to him to be with him…this blew me away completely. She threw in a few more accusations as well and many towards him of the things he had done to her.
It was a very emotional month to say the least. They both worked things out and got back together but the hurt left from her accusations and mistrust…i had to get over this and couldn’t so told them both i had to leave, that i loved them both but i could not partake anymore, thanking them for the joy they shared and all they taught.
This went unheard as if it was never said…and i found it hard not to submit to him in person. The next couple months were strained…his slave and i not really working through our differences and i am not sure why, i was not sure what was going on anymore. Then one night i receive another phone call, his slave crying, he is abusing her, she is leaving him….and more accusations hurled…omg.
This Master had not abused me before, every lash, every cane, every touch, every order was only beauty to me, joy, each moment shared with them both and alone was wonder. Yes he was only introducing me to certain aspects of this lifestyle to see my reaction and to test me and latter using me as sex toy…which was beginning to hurt me because it was not what we both agreed upon my first entering with them both but to my understanding because of these outbreaks and breaches in trust.
He did not abuse me until the last day, when he came to visit and i told him again in person i would not continue. it was too painful, conflicting and emotional. i was determined to hold strong to my words this day and if he decided to try and dominate me i would fight him…i should not have met him, i should have sent him an email saying not to visit again and telling via email.
It was a very painful visit…he brought me to pain so fast, so harsh i disassociated, not able to say my safe word…and he knew of this. Also to the point i lost all control of bodily function, something i have never done before and he showed no respect for my home that day, or me.
Maybe some of my attitude is off…i don’t know a lot of things but i have learnt much from this experience.
i have not been in any relationship since holding back from giving trust and control and not sure i can ever really do this again to be honest…but i rejoice to be back here so perhaps one day there is hope.