Mmm. It's not really that he isn't paying me attention, or anything of the sort. It's more of just... perhaps I just feel like reverting to the 'lighter' side of BDSM, where play sessions are actually nice 'punishments' for 'being bratty'. Ya know? Currently, I often feel like I'm getting more of the 'not-so-nice' part of BDSM (aka the real discipline), versus the 'fun' part of BDSM (aka the play). But if I said this to him and he reverted just as I wished, I would not really enjoy the play anymore! That's the kind of dilemma I'm in.

I have brought up the 'real discipline' issue to him, however, more of just asking him if he really wanted that. And he said yes. Indeed, I have to admit that it's true, it IS needed to enforce the dynamic between us. Where would the real dominance and submission be if he had no real threats (for lack of a better word, hope you guys get what I mean) to govern my behaviour? Argh. Guess I'm just really confused here.

slaveanita and fantassy: There is no reason, bar my own mischievousness and rebelliousness. Make no mistake, this IS what I want, but I am also a rebellious person by nature. *g* Most of the time it turns me on to have my rebellious nature utterly tamed and controlled, but recently... I've been wishing for more freedom in how I speak with him. I miss the days when we could tease each other with playful insults, perhaps. When the D/s was not there yet. Yet I certainly don't want to lose the D/s...

Maybe I'm just having the classic syndrome of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. >_<

P.S. Journalling is certainly a good idea for many... However for me, it just never seemed to work.