i like the poem, lily, especially that final image.

i do understand the feeling of being less than completely satisfied with a poem, though. I find it helps me to put the piece aside for a while, revisiting it later, comparing it to poems with which i am happy, to see where the perceived flaw, if any, might lie.

the only possible (and very minor) structural imbalance i see is that the first two stanzas are complete grammatical sentences, while the final stanza is not. Could that possibly be what is troubling you?