levantegirl's 1st assignment

[H Dean]

I tend to be a bit anal about certain things. I hope I am not stepping over my own feet when I offer my bits of critisism. This is a learning experience in how to instruct. I hope other instructors feel free to chastise me if they feel it is necessary.

At any rate, here is what I have to offer...

The utter silence of the night enveloped me. I enjoyed walking at this time, becuase of the deserted serenity of the locale. There was not a sound to be heard for miles, and that was theway I preferred it.

I would suggest replacing "bacause of" with "such was", or some other modification. It lends itself to the desolate emptiness you are trying to convey a bit better.

The other part in bold could have been a bit more concise. I find that exessive verbiage in such settings takes from the feel. A desolate and concise sentence can add tremendously to this.

I quickened my pace, enjoying the feel of the breeze on the beads of perspiration beginning to glisten on my body.

The part in bold is a bit too passive. Had you made it more immediate it would have driven the feel home. So as not to leave you wondering; "beading persiration" is where I would have started.

Suddenly, I heard a noise. It was loud enough for me to be sure that it wasn't simply an effect of the wind in the trees, but soft enough to make it impossible to discern where it came from. I looked around me. Nothing but the black of the night, punctuated by the even bursts of light from the street lamps.

I particuarly liked the woring of this sentence. "Bursts" was an excellent visual. There was no close to the sentence though, leaving it incomplete.

The sound grew louder. I took a quick glance over my shoulder. I still couldn't find where the sound was coming from, or from what.

The closer on the last sentence was rather good. It lent well to the image of uncertain fear. The part in bold might have been better had you offered something that might have indicated fear or a gamble or uncertainty.

It sounded like a muffled snorting, yes a very muffled snorting. Like someone who had difficulty breathing, because they were being muffled by a pillow. This was definitely beginning to unnerve me.

This could have been better phrased. I dislike the usage of "because" again. Also, it could have been more concise. Adding the emotion or trauma of one suffering under a pillow would have brought the intensity roaring home.

I walked faster and faster, finally increasing my pace to a jog. Yet, the sound did not stop. On the contrary, it got louder! A steady muffled snort. The more I tried to listen, the more rhythmic it became. And then, adding to the percussive snort, a slow "click....click....click....click".

I would suggest lengthening this a bit. "faster and faster" in such a scenerio fails to connect the reader to the emotion of the moment. Thoughts of fears and depth of breathing need to be brought to the forefront.

The part in bold was an excellent turn of a phrase.

An earthy beat of some sot, of possibly human origins.

The prtion in bold was, again, quite a good phrase. It lent to the moment quite well. This is another place, however, where I feel you should have drawn it out a bit more. I think that "possibly human origins" is far less frightening than had the sounds been from an animal.

I began to wish that I had never left the saety of my house.

This was to passive an ending. It needs an active roll on the part of the person questioning their safety.

The End.
Sorry it took so long to complete. Be gentle, it's my first attempt at something like this!

All in all, I liked this bit of writing. It conveyed much of what one might feel in such a situation. This is more than promising and I look forward to reading your next piece of work.

My apologies if I seemed harsh.

Now, I await critisisms for how I critisize.