Advice

[jamwish]

Hello all.

I've posted this same post on the sticky, but i think it's better placed here. If one needs to be removed, please let me know.

The thing is, i need some advice....

I'm just starting a serious D/s relationship with my wife. We're both in the early 30s and have been married for about 5 years.
Sex has just stalled recently and we've come to the conclusion that she needs to be controlled. We've played a bit before, but we now want to take it a few steps forward.

My first questions are:

Can a serious D/s relation exist solely sometimes (i love my wife very much and i like her non-submissive a lot - i don't want to loose that)?
And what steps should be made in order to assure a proper separation between both states? Steps for me and for her.

I trully apreciate any input regarding this question as well as any input on starting steps for serious D/s.

JamWish

[TomOfSweden]

There's no rules. Just talk to her about what feels right for the two of you and take it in steps. I've had all kinds of D/s relationships. 24/7, only at home or just in bed. Every relationship is different. Just because something has worked for somebody else it's no guarantee it'll work for you.

Judging from your post the big question in my mind is; Who's idea was it and who is the driving force?

If it's her then just be attentive and go for it. She'll tell you what isn't working.

If it's you then I suggest being extremly understanding and not push it. Getting a beginner submissive to open up to her inner desires is a bit like getting a flower to open up. Make sure she has the best possible environment and let her do the work. If you're too agressive about it she'll probably become defensive and in that situation the important thing as a Master to do is to be more suportive and understanding.

In my experience. Subs who are devoted to their Masters tend to be very vulnarable and you need to be extremly careful not to hurt her feelings, (in a bad way). As a beginner Master I did this misstake more than once and payed for it dearly. Just because she does everything for you, doesn't mean she likes it. Too much of the wrong thing is too much for anybody, no matter how submissive they are.

[Guest 91108]

My wife is really just beginning since last Dec.
My best advice is go so slow she asks you for more.. that way you know exactly where she is and may wish to go.
if you can get here here to read and find other things that interest her .. her desire will grow faster.
And we all want that desire to get wanting so you fan deliver .. yes ?

smiles.

[tessa]

My first questions are:

Can a serious D/s relation exist solely sometimes (i love my wife very much and i like her non-submissive a lot - i don't want to loose that)?

My husband and I are trying to sort this out as well. To answer your question above, yes, it can exist as a sometime thing. You might want to communicate thoroughly just when that "sometime" is and isn't to be.

And what steps should be made in order to assure a proper separation between both states? Steps for me and for her.

Seems to me you two will have to decide that for yourselves. Do you want her to kneel at your feet to let you know she's ready for that kind of time with you? Does she want you to grab a handful of her hair and push her to her knees to let her know you want some D/s time together? Are you going to limit those activities to certain times of the day or week? However it begins, you probably would both want to make sure to have time to transition time afterward. Not much worse than having to go from total D/s to vanilla in no seconds flat. Screws with a mind, let me tell you.

Here's a thread where some information on just this topic is covered.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=8618

(You can thank Tom of Sweden for teaching me how to put this link in the post. At least I think he taught me. We'll find out as soon as I submit this. As part of his lesson was an image entitled "duh", I've somehow gotten the idea that doing this is supposed be a simple thing. Imagine that. Despite the basics, sometimes I can turn the simple into the screwed up without even trying, so we shall see.)

I hope this helps you. Good luck with your new venture!

tessa

[jamwish]

There's no rules. Just talk to her about what feels right for the two of you and take it in steps. I've had all kinds of D/s relationships. 24/7, only at home or just in bed. Every relationship is different. Just because something has worked for somebody else it's no guarantee it'll work for you.

That's what i'm trying to do. Tiny steps...Lot's of talk. But...

Judging from your post the big question in my mind is; Who's idea was it and who is the driving force?
If it's her then just be attentive and go for it. She'll tell you what isn't working.
If it's you then I suggest being extremly understanding and not push it.

Now here is where it starts to get tricky... We both want to. Very much. In fact we've both wanted for some years now. We just didn't tell each other about it...(i mean, we did, but never seriously enough to be taken serious)
Wich is why i talk a lot about what we're gonna do and when... Could to much talk blow it?

Getting a beginner submissive to open up to her inner desires is a bit like getting a flower to open up. Make sure she has the best possible environment and let her do the work. If you're too agressive about it she'll probably become defensive and in that situation the important thing as a Master to do is to be more suportive and understanding.

In my experience. Subs who are devoted to their Masters tend to be very vulnarable and you need to be extremly careful not to hurt her feelings, (in a bad way). As a beginner Master I did this misstake more than once and payed for it dearly. Just because she does everything for you, doesn't mean she likes it. Too much of the wrong thing is too much for anybody, no matter how submissive they are.

My main fear here is myself... I've been wanting this for so long that sometimes i spread it to our "outside" life. And that puts her off, wich in turn pisses me off, etc, etc... What do you do to maintain proper separation of states in your mind?

[jamwish]

indeed we do, wolfscout

[jamwish]

Seems to me you two will have to decide that for yourselves. Do you want her to kneel at your feet to let you know she's ready for that kind of time with you? Does she want you to grab a handful of her hair and push her to her knees to let her know you want some D/s time together?

And what does one (ok,me) do when one wants and the other does not? I'm not considering going at it against her will, but i can't just say "ok,then" after i've brought her to her knees... Then again, maybe i can...

Here's a thread where some information on just this topic is covered.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=8618

I hope this helps you. Good luck with your new venture!

tessa

Thank you tessa, i'll check out the link.
I'll keep you guys (and girls) posted as things develop.

[tessa]

And what does one (ok,me) do when one wants and the other does not? I'm not considering going at it against her will, but i can't just say "ok,then" after i've brought her to her knees... Then again, maybe i can...

Well no, you wouldn't want to force her against her will (a good roleplay, but no so good in actuality). Now what you do after you've brought her to her knees is for you both to discuss ahead of time, I would think. If you both want "ok, then", go for it! I have made myself perfectly clear to my husband about what I would love to have happen if he ever does bring me to my knees. That way there won't be any need for him to wonder about it while the play is in motion, so to speak. Now if I could just get him to hike the damn ball...

You are most welcome for the link. Hope it helps!

[TomOfSweden]

Could to much talk blow it?

No, off-course not. But you could find out that what it is you are seeking isn't your partner, and vice versa. Either way you've got little to lose. You will develop as a person with or without her. The only differance is the time it takes.

I think you need to put some effort in figuring out what exactly it is that fear might happen and why you are letting yourself be ruled by your fears?

My main fear here is myself... I've been wanting this for so long that sometimes i spread it to our "outside" life. And that puts her off, wich in turn pisses me off, etc, etc... What do you do to maintain proper separation of states in your mind?

It sounds like you think being a Master is an act. People are different and I can only talk for myself. There's no separation of states in my mind. I'm always dominant and extremly considerate at the same time, (I have to be or I'd be one lonely man). When I give my slave orders she always obeys. I know this and so does she. So I don't have to play any games. I can just focus on being me, and she can focus on making me happy. This is D/s for me and my slave. But I've been into this for 14 years. I too have ha some years where I've been very confused. You have to figure out what D/s is for you and your wife.

Don't forget or doubt that she loves you....obviously. Or she wouldn't want to take this journey with you.

[Warbaby1943]

I'm just starting a serious D/s relationship with my wife. We're both in the early 30s and have been married for about 5 years.
Sex has just stalled recently and we've come to the conclusion that she needs to be controlled.

This part of your post causes concern in my mind. In your early 30s and only being married for 5 years you should still be on your honeymoon.

As others have said take it slow and have good communication. Find out what makes her happy while at the same time is something that you enjoy. A D/s relationship isn't always about sex so if that is what you are striving for (a way to spice up your sex life) you may once again become "stalled" unless it is is just based around bedroom activities. But then is is really a D/s relationship since it is just to spice up your "stalled" sex life? Since everyone is different I guess it could be considered a D/s one. I do believe though that you can have a D/s relationship on a part-time basis if that is what you both want.

Hopefully your relationship is still based on a great love for each other because I believe any real life D/s where the partners are living together must have love as a basis to start from.

I imagine many will disagree with me but this is my opinion. Good luck

[tessa]

A D/s relationship isn't always about sex
I imagine many will disagree with me but this is my opinion.

I'm going to be carrying this around with me for quite sometime. I very much agree with you. Thanks for saying it.