Quote Originally Posted by tessa View Post
To prowl through your author's mind while I might have it so inclined my way...keeping the basic format of how I want to present the story, what would you suggest that would tighten it up, make it fly high with the reader?
As Mad Lews suggested, the POV changes are difficult, at best. True, the italisized text aided in this, though not so much as the definative differences in voice. I am reticent to offer ways that might make this a bit deeper, simply because I do not wish to re-write anything. However, I will try to offer a few things...

[COLOR="RoyalBlue"]“Hello? Hey, Mom. No, it’s okay. I’m just unpacking from the trip is all. It was a great weekend. Yes, that place up the coast that Laura heard about.”

She conversed, barely able to concentrate on aught but memories of her lover as he spake words that made her tremble"To have you all to myself, little one, here with me, for the first time, is such a gift. This is just the beginning for us. We will explore together and discover our passions. We will find paradise in each other. Come to me, my love. Let me lead you to the place where we both crave to dwell.[/COLOR]

Of course, that's a quick suggestion. I am certain that what I offered is a bit rough, but you could have offered it similarly to make the differences more obvious. Moreover, similar interjections could have lent a bit more to the obvious torrent that was filling her mind. Perhaps made it more abrupt and made his words that much louder.