tessa's first assignment: "the deflowering project"

[Dragon's muse]

And i am back.

Another way to clarify what her lover is saying would be to put it in letter form. Just a short narrative sentence about her finding a not he left in her things before they parted. She could just be opening it when the phone rings.

But i actually like Dean's suggestion. Just a quick cue to let us know what the italicized portions are. The phrase " The memory ofHis voice echoed in her mind", keeps popping into my head for some reason.



Marvelous evokation of emotion. Gives a real feel for how hard it can be to come "back to reality"after such a time. You do create a sense of authentic existence for the setting and people.

Now, (adjusting my Nazi hat), on to the picking of the nits.

Come to me, my love. Let me lead you to the place where we both crave to dwell.

where is unnecessary in this context.

The sunlight falls like liquid gold over your body, pet. Your blonde locks fall over your shoulders as if they are the waves washing onto the shore.

You use the verb "fall" twice in as many sentences. Vary your verb choice. Maybe her hair could tumble or drift over her shoulders. Maybe the sunlight could dance over or caress her body. (i do like the liquid gold image though)

And your lips, a ghrá, so luscious there on the landscape of your face, werecreated to be molded against mine in this eternal kiss.


You need the "were" in this sentence to create a complete predicate. Without it you have a fragment.

But not just for this image did I have your take in those words. My wish is that you learn my mind, my passions. And they are, in many ways, just the same as this perfect rose I trace along the curves of your flesh…so very beautiful, yet studded with dangerous thorns.

These sentences will stand quite well without the But and the And at the beginning of them. Beginning a sentences with a conjunction is a tricky thing.

Convert the elipsis to a dash or a colon.

And your blood glistening as glitter here on these petals tastes just as sweet as any wine.

Once again, the "and" is not really necessary. Neither is "just".

Your mind, your body, your soul all makea bountiful feast in which I long to indulge over and over again.

You need the verb there to avoid a fragment.

There will more firsts for us. But never
one…
like…
this...


Change the period into a comma and make this one sentence.


End of my nits. See, that did not hurt a bit, did it?

Again, i do want to say "Wow!"

Now i have to come up with a second assignment that will challenge you.

[tessa]

And i am back.

Yay!

Another way to clarify what her lover is saying would be to put it in letter form. Just a short narrative sentence about her finding a not he left in her things before they parted. She could just be opening it when the phone rings.

But i actually like Dean's suggestion. Just a quick cue to let us know what the italicized portions are. The phrase " The memory ofHis voice echoed in her mind", keeps popping into my head for some reason.

Either of these ideas would serve the story well, I believe. I wish I'd thought of it. But that's why I'm here with you, because I didn't think of it.

Marvelous evokation of emotion. Gives a real feel for how hard it can be to come "back to reality"after such a time. You do create a sense of authentic existence for the setting and people.

Thanks for that. It helps to know that my words are making the impact I was hoping for.

Now, (adjusting my Nazi hat), on to the picking of the nits.

Nice look on you. But I need to focus on the nits, I suppose.

There will more firsts for us. But never
one…
like…
this...


Change the period into a comma and make this one sentence.

Okay, here I was trying to emphasize her feelings about these particular words of his. How could I have done this without making it just another sentence in the text, yet make it more grammatically appropriate?

End of my nits. See, that did not hurt a bit, did it?

Well, I wasn't perfect in my attempt, so it hurt in that way. The way you pointed out my imperfections, no, did not hurt one little bit. Didn't hurt that you had on that nifty hat either.

Again, i do want to say "Wow!"

I am going to hold that really close for a long time. Thank you.

Now i have to come up with a second assignment that will challenge you.

That won't be very difficult, let me say. This assignment had me thinking for almost a week on how to write it. I do want to rework this story, using the great suggestions I have gotten so far plus any others that might come my way. When I do that, would you mind looking that over as well. Could I be more greedy for your commentary? Just asking. Time isn't easy for any of us to come by, so I will more than understand if you can't.

If I could adequately express how very grateful I am to you for taking us on as the Level One instructor, then I'd be some kind of writer. As it is, I will just have to resort to saying how very much I appreciate your efforts.

tessa