Tessa,
It was not my intention to invoke too much nonsense over an interesting experiment in Point of View. I just didn't want to see you end up in some editor’s office draped over his lap with your skirt up and panties tangled about your ankles whilst an editorial paddle warmed your cheeks to a glowing red.

Ok I lied, I wouldn’t mind seeing that, but that’s not what the assignments are for.

Some things to ponder as you rewrite,

First as Dragon’s muse points out, the code of the Bard is that a tale can always be improved with each retelling. Now, mayhaps, you might wish to focus on your goal in this story? It’s about her and the two experiences, the weekend and the phone call with Mum. You’re also exploring differences between her and her lover, their roles, their expectations, and their thoughts. You do that by going into two different people’s minds in the first person.

That’s a tough sell.

Two other possibilities come to mind. Write in the “third person omnipotent" point of view. In this version the narrator is not a character in the story, but a third person who reports the thoughts, feelings, and actions of both characters, and even mom’s if you’d like. This is a quite common form of storytelling but doesn’t have as authentic a voice or seem as compelling as a first person story teller.

So the other approach might be to chose a character, (hint chose the girl) speak from her point of view, the reveries interspersed between the phone conversation are her own, about him, and about them, she can’t use his actual thoughts or emotions but can reminisce about his words and actions toward her. Working through that you can paint a pretty accurate picture of what’s going through his heart and mind.

This would dramatically change the story, it would lose the sharp (and to a fumbling reader like Lews, sometimes jarring,) contrast it now has because you would now have just one story teller not two. It might make the story a little smoother and the interplay/disconnect between her phone conversation and what’s passing through her mind a little more pronounced because it would be her own musings not the actual thoughts and feelings of her lover/master.

Think on it a bit all three approaches have pluses and minuses find the one that best suits your goals.

Mad Lews