Hi Daes,

Below is the revised chapter with some suggested edits.

Actions taken:

* Used active versus passive tense when possible.

* Removed of words like "as" or "so" which take the reader out of the active tense or don't add to the story.

* Shorted sentences.

* Inserted commas or periods where appropriate.

* Reformatted for web layout and reading.

* Modified words such as "on", "at" or "from".

If you want a "word" document, with changes tracked, please let me know and I'll e-mail it to you.

You may accept the suggested edits or decide you want to make a few of your own.

This is a very fine bit of story telling and I'm looking forward to what happens next.

Ruby

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"Hetarys, my love, come...for I must away.”

The choked out words were quiet in a raspy subdued whisper, as though the words had been stolen and were now being forced out through a ravaged throat. The yearning in his voice filled with a deepening sorrow for his worried young daughter. Parched lips forced in a hoarse gulp of cool air, his breathing slow but painfully labored. He looked at his beautiful girl, the pain burned against his lungs and throat.

Hetarys's long hair curled against the curve of her back in gentle caresses. She took a step forward and the wind pulled at her cloak. Barely over fifteen with eyes like lilac jewels, she watched her father’s battered and beaten form in anguish.

With all self restraint, she tried to force herself not to cry, though ready to burst into tears. She had called for help time and time again to no avail. The horror and shock she had felt moments before faded into helpless despair that seemed to scream louder than her anguished cries in vain.

Hetarys turned away, feeling threatened by the image before her. She didn’t trust it to ensure that the beautiful memories she treasured with her father would remain as they had before. Times spent watching rosy sunsets, saying goodbye to the day to welcome the coming of night, happy smiles and rich joyous laughter by the fire were no more. It dawned on her, that this moment would be imbedded in her mind for an eternity to come. Yet, for now, it was only her, and the first man she had ever loved.

How can I be strong, my hero, my father? When you have fallen before my eyes…?

She raised her gaze to him. A sharp pang of realization came to flood her with sorrow. No more memories to create, no smiles to light the day or grant kisses to the stars to make wishes and dreams come true. No. Only loneliness.

“Papa, hold on. Please.”

She sat beside him, quiet in her desperation. Watered eyes never left his face. His expression was full of sadness and pain. Everything swelled within her like a tide waiting to crush her soul. There was nothing left for her here, but she knew his time ran thin.

He sucked in a choked breath, tasting the blood that rose in his throat. His whole body burned like nothing he had ever known, as though his open wounds had been set aflame. His trembling hand reached out, grasped her small one between his fingertips, and squeezed gently.

She shook her head, feeling a shudder run up her spine. His touch was cold against her skin. Hetarys watched in horror as his breathing slowed, feeling as though at any moment he might slip away.

“Don’t go.”

Her whisper was pleading, and yet she found herself beginning to calm. He needn’t suffer any longer. He had been through enough.

“Here.”

He gently released her hand to slowly retrieve something from his pocket.

She watched him with sad curiosity until he revealed to her a chain with a silver star.

“You must return it.”

His words were low and grave and filled her with doubt.

“You must return it to Muhain.”

Her eyes widened.

“Muhain the wizard? But-but, Papa! He is one of the Mighty.”

He shook his head and coughed. Blood trailed from the corner of his mouth.

“Darling, you must follow the trail through the mountains in the west. His keep is hiding on the mountainside.”

She shook her head again. Her eyes (did something? – Sentence wasn’t finished.).

“Father, I cannot.”

“Yes, you can! You must.”

He clutched his chest, rasping as he forced out the words.

“Deliver the star, my darling. I’ll be there with you.”

Searching for a way to be strong, Hetarys felt the cold tears leave her eyes. The task he had set before her was impossible. Surely, he must know that.

She took his hand between her own and nodded. Her fingers touched upon the silver star as his hand went limp. She grasped the star from his hand, feeling its power burn and resonate through her palm. His body lay unmoving. She bowed her head and tears streamed her cheeks.

She held the star. It began to glimmer, a cool white flame that danced along her skin. She paid it no heed, mulling her father’s words in her mind until it burned into her heart with everlasting resolve.

“Even if I should breathe my last, I’ll bring Muhain his star.”

(C) Daes 2007 Draft in Progress. All rights reserved.