Quote Originally Posted by slavelucy
Hey ~d~,

It's great to hear from you again! Glad things are still going well with yourself and LT.

i know you're over the rebellion issue now, but if i may ask (tell me i may not if ya like!)...was it a rebellion over a particular issue you felt he handled badly or inappropriately (no offense to LT intended) and didn't know how to say, without being unsubmissive..or was it a general 'pffft, don't need this' rebellion? i'd be really interested to know, for reasons with which i wouldn't spam your thread, but which are close to my heart.

Cheers

lucy x
feel free to spam my threads anytime you like pretty lady...


i thought this would be relatively easy to explain but the issues are a little complicated....

When i met LT, he was everything i was NOT looking for in a Dom. i was very very sure i knew exactly what i wanted. The Powers that Be knew he was exactly what i needed. The truth be told if i'd had any clue how he would change my life i would have run the other way as fast as i could. What i thought i was looking for was just a pale shadow of the reality of what i got.

One of the things he promised me was total unconditional acceptance but in my experience life just doesn't work like that. Acceptance is never total... and the idea of it being unconditional is just laughable. And i mean face it this is a D/s relationship. It's based on conditions, his and mine. Add to that that we live half a continent away from each other.

If i became a problem it would be so easy for him to just say... "This is just way to much work" and *poof* disappear. If you are living with, dating or married to your Dom disappearing is just a little more complicated than hitting delete or block...

As a result i let my fear of what might happen build a wall between us. *grin* of course from my point of view i thought it was a mile high brick one while he saw that it was a two inch high clear sugar glass one. It totally blinded me to the reality of what we do have. It blinded me to the man he is.

There were moments when i sat here, and it was all i could do to even turn on the computer knowing that i would have to face him because i was being overwhelmed by my own fears. My fear became anger at myself... at him... at life in general...and evolved into rebellion. Beyond that i saw my fears as being emotions that would overwhelm him too. I was so sure that if i released them on him, show him what what was happening inside me, it would drive him away. It was a viscous cycle... The more i wanted to tell him.. the more i felt i couldn't and the more scared i got...

The thing is, in doing that i was cheating him and me. LT is a man of great insight. Funniest part of all this is that he had seen it coming and building up in me long before i even knew it was happening...*grin* he watched as the panic slut in me painted myself into that particular corner but he also knew the only way for me to make peace with it was for me to stop hiding and bring my fears out of the shadows and into the light of day because D/s is not about force.

*grin* i think i sort of went off the deep end when i said he ''wasn't being fair and to just fuc.... " well you get the picture.... lol... i expected anger... i expected him to walk...i expected him to just give up on me... what i got was a laughter filled very simple question..."What does fair have to do with anything?" and a long night of talking and learning...

trust is a such a tricky thing... there is always risk involved... but i have learned the pay off is incredible... see... what i didn't understand was... total unconditional acceptance is his hard limit... there is nothing i can do or say to drive him away... but at the same time... he would never stand in my way if i felt i needed to walk away... *grin* he is big into the whole sane, safe and consensual aspect.... and i thank the Goddess for that...

i don't know if this helps you at all.... i sincerely hope it does...

Peace
~d~