I like this too. Great work! Good seduction, draws itself nicely out from a few minutes into a few months with the growing backstory, looks great!

I noticed a few more nits that Dragon's Muse missed, so here goes... (Yes I'm a newbie writer but I'm a really experienced proofreader and non-fiction writer, so I feel qualified to do this.)



"Thank you." sitting, I put his book on the table.

the period here should be a comma



Then it dawned, the way I had said "someone", and the dress, not what the other ladies are wearing...the waiter thinks I am a hooker!

I wish I could have resisted him when he wrote "Come to dinner with me tonight. I have to meet you."
Even better, what if I am, and he is not attracted to me? (this sentence is out of place or refers to something elsewhere. What if I am what?

The waiter set two glasses of water on the table, (should be a semicolon here) I thanked him without looking.

Besides, this was premature(semicolon or dash); I told him I was not finished with his book yet. I could almost hear him laughing when he wrote that I should bring it with me, so he would know me, the girl sitting alone with his book. He had such a way of telling me what to do, his voice had better match his words, all those letters, borderline obssessive, the insanity of falling in virtual love. He had (delete) warned me that I should finish his book before I met him. It has a sad ending; if I finished the book I might not want to meet him.

I was so happy when he sent it to me--the thick manuscript, the treacherous characters. it was so sexy when he told me my letters reminded him of Vivian, his main character...his consummate slut. So far, the story was riveting and the darker desires of the male counterpart to Viv, well, I had not chickened out, and I wanted to meet him too.

Must be five minutes.

Just sit still, ignore the waiter glaring at the glasses of water on the table, at my open book taking up his station. The waiter wants me to look at the menu; (When you have two complete sentences that you want to glue together, use a semicolon not a comma. There are too many of these examples to keep doing it here, and Dragon's Muse has caught many of them -- you get the idea.) I cannot bear to see how much it will cost to eat here. He said it was on him, I was glad for that, I normally wouldn't spend quite so much for dinner. White table cloths, fancy silver, waiters and back waiters and a battalion of busboys, music like expensive perfume wafting in the air, waiters and busboys all staring at me sitting alone with his book, I know he wanted me to meet him here simply because I don't usually do fancy, and he wanted it to be special. "This place has been there for almost a hundred years, and it will be there in ten years when we go back for our anniversary dinner"add a dash here for emotional impact and clarity he was so sure of himself. (the next three words seems to belong to the previous sentence) When he wrote. He will be here soon enough and that snippy waiter will be lucky to have us, to have his fat tip at the end.

Carnal crapshoot. Rolling the dice again, ten more minutes and I will know if I am lucky.

Of course, there is no way I can read now, my stomach stapled with waiting for him. Time is passing, we are about to collide, it cannot stop, why is he taking so long?

Breathe, Chloe, breathe, longer, better, you love this remember? The anticipation after all is often the best part, he had never said anything offensive, he had never seemed to be the flightly one. He wrote for three months, discussing everything but sex. he was dedicated to answering my mail, and he agreed to go slow.

Notes in general -- the multiple sentences joined by commas give a breathless quality to the text, and is technically incorrect, but sometimes can work. In dialogue, though, it always sounds wrong. Check through your dialogue and see how many times people speak two or three sentences joined by a comma.

Also -- you have an internal dialogue going for the entire piece, some of it in past tense as flashback, some in present as thoughts, some in past perfect when required. This can be very effective if done carefully, but very confusing if you accidentally get a tense wrong. Proofread carefully for verb tenses when trying this.

Best,