The second version is much better than the first!

I too am really impressed with your ability to create an atmosphere, not just of sights, sounds, smells, but also of emotions, anticipation, words unspoken. These things cannot be taught, and you have them.

Strunk and White is an excellent recommendation from the resident editor, and if you get the second or third edition, is only about 70 pages long and can easily be read over and over.

Your run-on sentences (ROS) have been largely edited back into correctness in the second version -- excellent! Much much better. Use of semicolons and periods now makes things easier to read. There are a few left -- go back and be merciless, I say! I'll point them out for you if you ask, but I think you can find them yourself.

A good way to check both for ROS and sentence fragments is to look for the presence of a verb. Each sentence is allowed one verb or verb phrase, no more, no less. If you see none, it's a sentence fragment. If you see two, it's two sentences. If you want it to remain one, use a semicolon or dash or colon to glue them together. In my view, a semicolon glues two thoughts that come in rapid sequence. Dash does the same, but with a pause for thought between the two. Colon shows a certain logical relationship between the two, sometimes replacing "since" or "therefore".

Your paragraph breaks look good as they are! I thought at first that the paragraphs looked short, perhaps could be combined--but they are exactly right. Your paragraphs are just short, and it builds the atmosphere.

Hope to hear from you on my stories sometime!

Best,