This was pretty well done and you have improved in your story telling. So, I am going to be even pickier.


He had cleared up the playroom and swabbed everything down with disinfectant: walls, floor, toys.

I would have given this more action. Not htat there was anything wrong with it. THere wasn't. I think a minor change would give it better flow. "He had cleared up the playroom, swabbing everything down with disinfectant."

He picked up the toys for the day and hurried upstairs; a meal had to be prepared, a table had to be laid and candles had to be lit. All before she got home.

Something didn't quite flow right with these sentences for me. Especially the "All before she got home" part. I think you can find a more pleasing way to say this.

He didn’t like what he saw. Dark rings were clearly visible under his steel blue eyes. No wonder he looked like that, he thought: He got up an hour before Francine so that he could leave work early. So that he could prepare everything.

This little bit is the worst part of your story. He didn't like what he saw but there was only one thing that told of his state. It felt like there should have been more after the dark rings. Also, the arrangment of the description of his eyes didn't fit. I would have tried something along these lines...

He didn't like what he saw. His steel blue eyes were ringed by dark circles and his hair was tangled and wet with sweat.

The rest of this bit is awkward, too. The close is especially off. Try something more like "He got up an hour before Francine so that he could leave work early to allow him time to prepare everything."

It isn't a perfect suggestion but you need a flow that you didn't have.

It was a labor of love for the woman he loved, he ruefully reminded himself as he laid the table with a single setting, making an effort to turn that frown upside down.

There are too many "love's" in this. Find another word. Get rid of "as he laid". Throw in a comma and a "laying" and the flow improves. Also, "turn that frown upside down" should have quotations around it. The narrator shouldn't use such phrases except as a notion as one of his thoughts.

Jason was not just fooling himself. He truly worshipped the ground on which Francine treaded but sometimes

I do believe that should be "trod".

Some stupid F1 racing game was running on the console and he was almost simultaneously cheering and cursing at his controller.

That's a good sentence, though I am torn on "stupid". A narrator shouldn't use this term but it is perfectly descriptive of her likely view of his actions. Torn or not, though, it worls well.

The skirt was so ridiculously short that the lack of underwear, like the base of the butt plug, showed almost constantly.

I think you could tell this with a bit more panache, or someother foreign word. Try replacing "showed almost constantly" with something along the lines of "was most/quite obvious".

Jason could remember that he used to have trouble reaching the higher boards, even with a proper duster, but he hadn’t thought it possible with the flimsy, pink, plastic thingy that came with the uniform.

I'm torn on "thingy". It works but it is contrary to a narrator perspective. Probably not technically sound, but it is still right for the moment.

I liked the switch at the end. I also like "The heels helped, he mused." However, my sense of humor demands that it be the last line of the story. Reveal the switch just before this and then use this line as an ending. Sort of a punchline.


Okay, the hard part is done, so I will give my final thoughts on this...

This was very well done. I had to look for the nits before I picked them, which means that you improved dramatically. Those nits that I picked are far from major and, in part, are because of my personal tastes.

I will also offer that you found the narrators voice and stuck with it - mostly. When you varied from the proper narratior voice you made it work. Such was not the case in your previous story.

Finally, here is something to keep in mind, and this is something I always try to do. Decide what the narrator's voice is going to be before you get into the story too deeply. I mentioned the punchline at the end of my critique...don't ever forget it. A good punchline, humorous, tragic or disasterous can make a story even more memorable.

Now, as Aussiegirl might say: "Good on ya!"