Hi Tessa,

Congrats on getting your assignment in. Notice I didn't say, done. This story isn't quite done yet.

The assignment was male point of view, first person voice, active tense. Whoo hoo! You did it. A huge pat on the back.

This story is very hot. It's quite passionate and the interchange between the characters is very delightful. Like any good story, I want to read what happens next. Even better, I really like the personality of the story teller.

Layout, spelling, and the use of proper grammer are excellent. Even the pacing of the piece is right on target.

Mad Lews and Rhabbi have given some great points and suggestions on where you might go back and fix a few things.

From an editing perspective, I won't rehash those. I will ask you to:

a. Go back through this story and see if anything in the passive voice can be changed to active voice.

Examples:

She had managed to turn her head to the side, was able to see my hand.

She turned her head to the side and saw my hand.

Her gasp of surprise was almost as sweet a sound as her wild giggle.

Her gasp of surprise sounded almost as sweet as her wild giggle.

b. Look to see what words your storytelling is using often. If a another word works, then make changes as needed.

For example, the word "but" can be switched for "however" or "yet". It's one of those words that when used too often becomes distracting.

That's it from me.

Congratulations!

I'm looking forward to the next version. Please post it in this thread.

Keep up the great work and write on!

Ruby