This was very exciting and well done. Really, quite good. Now to get mean...


Quote Originally Posted by tessa View Post

Panty Raid

I threw her a good distance across the room and onto the bed. She landed on her back, but quickly scrambled onto her stomach, trying to slide herself across to the other side. Smiling, I thought to myself that she could move pretty fast. But I moved faster. Falling on top of her, I caught her arm, pinning it behind her back. With my other hand, I pushed down on the back of her neck, keeping her face in the pillow. Her writhing body under mine felt so good. I wrapped my legs around her kicking ones and spread them wide.
Great start except for the last sentence. It was awkward and could have been done better.

She laughed. It was one of those almost hysterical laughs, but with an edge of darkness to it that fueled me. Wanting to feel her struggle, I loosened my hold on her arms just enough. She didn’t disappoint. If I’d not expected it, her elbow would have made direct contact with my side. That wicked laugh bubbled up from her as I pinned her down once more. I leaned forward, getting my mouth extremely close to her ear.

“’What am I going to do about it?’ That’s what you wanted to know? Let me show you what I’m going to do about it, bitch.” Each word I hissed into her ear made her squirm even more.
Quite good, this bit. I could really see it happening.

I could smell her excitement. Nothing had made me feel more alive than this in a long time.
This was less than stellar and it lost the immediacy of the situation at hand.

"I felt alive; more so than I could recall in a long time." would have been a bit better.

My body pressed her into the bed even more as I moved my one hand off her neck to reach down under and between our bodies. I pulled her skirt up over her ass, bunching it up between us.
I think a minor re-arrangement of this would have brought it to more immediacy..."Pulling her skirt up and over her ass, I let it bunch up between us." Though, there was nothing wrong with how you said it. Also, it would have pulled the panties between the crack of her ass...always a good visual to include in such action.

Slowly I rubbed my hand over those firm mounds of flesh.

“You dared come to me wearing panties?” I kept my voice low and very deep. “Are these pretty pink panties your favorite? Is that why you wore them?”

She laughed again, mocking slightly. “These are my favorite panties. I like them, so yeah, I wore them.” Her smile and her defiance covered each word she spoke.
I kinda wondered how he saw her smile, as close as he was to her ear.

Letting my hand trail up her side first, I then reached out towards the nightstand. She had managed to turn her head to the side, was able to see my hand. With a smile on my own face, I picked up the knife, clicked it open and let the light from the lamp glint off the blade. She stopped laughing. Her gasp of surprise was almost as sweet a sound as her wild giggle.
Eliminate the "then" and then adjust the other sentence a bit.

“I suggest you stay very, very still.” Her body shook beneath mine while I spoke.
"She was shaking/shivering beneath me" would have been better here. This short needs immediacy...it's happening in a rush and it's a bit firghtening and exciting. Keep it that way.

My legs stayed wrapped around hers and one hand stayed on the back of her neck.
This was a bit awkward and could have been said better.

I slid the blade under one side, letting the cool metal caress her right hip.
"under one side?". Try "I slid the blade down her side, letting the cool metal caress her right hip."

Always thinking ahead, I had sharpened the knife very carefully before leaving home. I wanted to cut her, to watch her bleed. Oh how delicious a thought that was, thinking of those ribbons of red against that pale flesh.
Great fucking visual.

Pressing down on her body under mine, I felt her fear.
Was he pressing down or was it just his weight that was pressing down? This felt odd to me. I just htink this could have been a bit better.

I could smell that off her too.
Go with this a little bit. How could you smell it? Was it in her sweat? Did it waft into your nostrils? Give me more. Don't leave it like that. Also, the sentence was not great. You've a chance to really express something and you failed to do so. Its a stark contrast to the notion of "ribbons of red"

My urge to cut was every bit as strong as my urge to fuck, but this wasn’t the time. Not this time…

The lace fabric was no match for the razor-like sharpness of the blade. There wasn’t even a whimper of resistance as the knife sliced easily through that one side.
Forget that "one side". Try just slicing through the thin fabric that hid what was beneath.

The girl worked so hard to stay still and she had forgotten to take a breath.
Try "that".

I smoothed her hair back off her face, whispering in her ear, telling her to breathe. Then I looked at her. Her eyes were wide, and yes, the fear was there, but it wasn’t overwhelming her. She trusted me implicitly, but this was new ground for us to cover. Then I saw her smile a little half-smile. That told me what I wanted to know.
Remember that immediacy is paramount in this story. Write it that way...don't get passive.

Pushing myself on top of her again, I moved the knife to my other hand and again, slid the blade under the fabric. It was like cutting into warm butter. The fabric fell away. I closed the knife and replaced it on the stand. Reaching under her, I fisted the scrap of material and pulled it away. As I did, she attempted to wiggle away from me. Smiling, I grabbed onto her hips, flipping her over on her back. Using the moves I’d learned long ago, I was able to keep her quite immobile there on that bed. I brought the now useless panties up to her face and shoved them partially in her mouth. She twisted her head to the side, trying to avoid getting an entire mouthful. She made quite a picture, laying there beneath me, pink, cut-up panties filling her mouth. Except for my cock, nothing in there could have looked any better.
There was no need for some of what is in red. The "that" should be replaced with "the". Also, I think you can manage to give this paragraph a bit more power than it has.

“Any more notions about wearing panties when you come to me?” I asked with a smile plastered on my face.

She spit what she could of the fabric out of her mouth and mumbled, “No, Sir.” But then she tossed a look up at me that let me know her true feelings on the matter.
After the "sir" you have no need to start another sentence. In fact, it would be far better to finish it with "her gaze betraying her true feelings". The reason I would use "betray" is display her defeat, both physically and emotionally.

But now, with no panties in the way, I had the home field advantage. I moved off her, careful to watch for any sudden movements. There were none, just her looking up at me expectantly.
Try "moving off her, I was careful..."

Again, it's more immediate.

“Head down, ass up. We need to, well, discuss this matter further.” I felt the excitement exude from her.

And again, that laugh…
Great punch line to end this with. Really, this was very well done. My main critisism is that sentences often started a bit pssive before comming into immediate motion. Start of immediate and it makes the more passive portions of your sentence immediate. I touched on the following sentence earlier, but it is a prime example of what I mean: I smoothed her hair back off her face, whispering in her ear, telling her to breathe.
I would have done it like this: Smoothing the hair from her face, I whispered in her ear, commanding she breathe."

Okay, that's all folks. Now I shall be off...self abuse is at hand!