Quote Originally Posted by Rhabbi View Post

After Action Report


“I have the AAR on the rescue operation sir.”

“Bring it in then, anything interesting?”

“You could say that sir.”

Looking up at Captain Mikhael James, Admiral Harrison realized that the Captain had never before personally delivered an After Action Report before. She set the intelligence briefing aside and looked at him.

“Something I should know?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Want to tell me?”

“No Sir.”

This was definitely unusual. Mikhael had never been this formal with her, and had never refused to tell her what was on his mind before.

“Let’s see it then.”

Good start and set up.


After Action Report 1315 Operation Recover SOG-4, Cdr. Fraks.


Arrival at the suspected base was according to plan and apparently undetected. Infiltration went according to pre op plans. Approach to primary entry point was underway when contact made with pirate who was in an unseen cave. First contact resulted in minor causality and fatality of pirate. Enemy base also alerted.

Get rid of "the" and replace "who was" with "located". This needs conservancy of words. Reports of this nature eliminate words superfluous to the report.

Immediately implemented fallback plan and attempted secondary entry point. This entry was rigged and SOG-4 took two casualties, both fatal.

SOG-4 then retreated and suffered heavy weapons fire from unanticipated emplacements. CES Lexington reported contact with 3 enemy cruisers and was unable to supply cover fire. Lexington then reported heavy damage and casualties. Contact with Lexington was lost.

Conservancy of words is common in reports.

SOG-4 Bravo team disengaged to circle the emplacements. At that point sensors detected the presence of heavy equipment closing on our location. Initial reports indicated multiple tanks and large concentrations of infantry. SOG-4 Alpha ordered an immediate disengagement from enemy forces and rendezvous at point Omega.

SOG-4 went to max stealth mode and broke into individual fists. Disengagement was successful for three of ten fists. The rest fought a retrograde action. At that point enemy air support arrived and detected the three fists that were disengaged, directing enemy ground forces to their locations.

Some of the red stuff is words to eliminate. "Went to" is a bad term. Find another..."reverted", maybe. What is a "fist"? I don't necessarily need to know but it sounds like the initials for something. If it is, spell it out in words first and then abbreviate it.

At this point communication broke down and sensors went offline. For a period of approximately 15 minutes, all electronics went down. Multiple explosions throughout area of engagement indicated battle was ongoing.

Aproximately? Nuh uh. They always know how many minutes and seconds. You need to provide the times of things, as well, on a 24 hour clock.

When com links and sensor network reset indications were that a massive strike against all enemy positions and forces had eliminated them. Survey indicated one hundred percent casualty rate among enemy forces, but no fatalities.

Try a semi-colon and "no fatalities". Word economy.

SOG-4 casualties amounted to an additional seven personnel, one fatality, and one MIA. Two fists were detached from group. Fist SOG-4 A five was assigned to find the MIA. Fist SOG-4 B five was assigned to care for all the casualties.

Primary objective of entry into enemy facility and was now possible through main entrance. Initial entry made by sensor drone indicated more enemy casualties. Casualty rate appeared to be consistent with previous recorded rates outside the facility.

Get rid of it.

No apparent collateral damage to facility indicated. No indication as to the method of incapacitating such large numbers of personnel indicated. Highly recommend research into method used. (See appendix for attached 3V.)
All remaining Fists of SOG-4 entered facility and search instituted for prisoners believed to be here. All enemy casualties placed under guard by available personnel.

Installation approximately four times the size indicated by intelligence briefings. Recommend that vetting of current intelligence sources increase in frequency and that accuracy be primary goal thereof. SOG-4 S4 indicates that data recovered from facility should make it possible to develop additional sources.

Isn't accuracyy a prime objective in any sort of intelligence? I actually said "duh" out loud when I read that part.

Prisoners located on the lowest level. Indications are that pirate group did not favor advanced interrogation techniques. All prisoners held in a common area where they could watch as interrogation and torture - WHAT? Finish this sentence. Initial intelligence reports about Pirates being in league with slavers are probably accurate although further analysis of new data indicated.

Get rid of "group". Pirates are a group or they are a pirate. Get rid of "are probably" and replace it with "appear" or "apparently". Also, the last section in red should be a new sentence that is appended somewhat: "Recommend further analysis of data."

Report of typical treatment of prisoner included to facilitate understanding of seriousness of situation. Following is an excerpt of the initial interview of Lt
Jana Hunter of CSE Howler: Formal report in appendix.

So far, so good. Despite my complaints, this piece is working rather well. In fact, had you not made the faux pas of offering that "approximately 15 minutes" passage I would not have noticed the complete lack of time inclusion.

I was captured while on special assignment to survey a suspected pirate route. We were to simply attempt to locate any beacons and were in one of the combat shuttles. No problems were anticipated.

The pirate cruiser surprised us and I made the decision to surrender rather than fight a battle I had no chance of winning. We were taken aboard and placed in chains, and then our uniforms were cut away and discarded. The make up of my crew was three male and two female, including myself.

The men were secured to the bulkhead and Electronics Technician Keller and I were forced to perform sexual acts on each of them. We were then raped by the crew of the cruiser.

I would tend to think that an interview would offer more choppy testimony. Something that might indicate the trauma the soldier had suffered. This passage is a bit too clinical for such a thing in my estimation.


The interviews with other prisoners indicate similar stories. The interviews clearly indicate that the pirates are much worse than intelligence reports suggested.

This could be one sentence that was more word economical.

"Interviews with other prisoners report similar stories, clearly indicating the pirates are far worse than intelligence suggested."

Prisoners also indicate that SOG-4 were not responsible for their rescue. Testimony indicated a group of naval personnel had entered the base just before our entry. Descriptions of gear and uniforms indicate that the personnel WERE equipped with obsolete equipment. Previous encounters with enemy casualties indicate that we do not currently know weaponry that they used.

Just before our" could be better served with "immediately prior to our". The lst bit in red was bulky. I think it could have been said better, though I am not currently in hand of a suggestion. So, I may be dreaming.

MIA FN Goode located in the dispensary. Serious wound had been dressed and treated. We were unable to determine the persons responsible for treating FN Goode’s injuries. Only clue was a log chip that was forwarded because local decryption unable to open it.

Get rid of "because" and start a new sentence.

EOAAR 1315 Operation Recover SOG-4 Cdr. Fraks.

“Interesting. Was the log mentioned decrypted?”

“Yes. That is why I am here. I am not sure what to believe.”

“Why not?”

“It is a complete log of CSE Phoenix.”

Admiral Harrison just looked back at her friend.

“”Before you ask, we are sure. A ghost ship and crew pulled off a rescue that was beyond that of our best Special Operations Group. They also saved the bacon of our newest cruiser. Even though Lexington will be in the yards for a year, if the Phoenix had not shown up she would have been lost.”

Adm. Harrison slowly settled back in her chair.
Okay, that was pretty damned good. I realize that you were under a word limit. That can make it pretty difficult, especially with two assholes bickering and sniping at each other. Of course, I mean Mad and Lews. I am a bastard, not an asshole.

Most of what I offered to you was for economy of words; things I thought might be more apt for such a report. Eliminating some of these words might have aided in some of your passages that were requiring of more words. I think you could have been more economical than I suggested, too. As I mentioned, I did think that the testimony of the female soldier should have been more choppy.

All in all, this was a very good piece of work. It read cold and straight forward, just as it should have. Well done, oh Rhabbinical one.