Submissives Taking the Initiative

[Ruby]

Master T, my hubby, and I don't have a 24/7 BDSM relationship.
We're best friends, lovers, parents, etc. and play Master and Pet/Sub as often as we can. We have very different work hours. So scheduling and timing are important.

Sometimes, I just have to say - "I want you, tonight" and that's enough to rev his engine and get me in trouble if I leave him walking out the door with a woody.
(Naughty me.)
Othertimes, he responds with, "How do you want to play?"
That's so tough for me, cause we are so busy trying to please each other, that I'm not sure if I'm supposed to tell him what he wants to hear or what I really want.
(I'm not one for mind games. Just tell me what you want and I'll do my best to give it to you, but make me guess what you want and I get very, very cranky.)
I've learned to answer with what I want and let him make the decision as to whether or not I receive it.

Short answer: It works best for us to let each other know what we want and to set expectations ahead of time.

That's not to say we don't enjoy immediate gratification or surprising each other, but we have to be very careful of "teenager-interuptus".

[Garnet99]

Ruby, I know it's showing my age, but I sure remember those interruptions!!! Your name for it is wonderful!

[Nightstriker]

neither of those options really fit for me. So here is my answer.

I do not mind it when my sub would take initiative. I do enjoy suprises, and being suprises. Though I also like takeing initiative.

[Pandora's Box]

Well, I personally have no issues with initiating. After all, a relationship is made up of two people. The ideal is to have a dynamic in place where you know each other well enough to be able to pick up on cues without actually having to say "please whip me".

Initiating a scene to me, could mean something as simple as an aggressive or sexual kiss, perhaps a grope. Or if you don't want sex, then perhaps just setting out the toys to make them think about using them. And there's always less subtle approaches like serving him dinner with the flogger plate-side.

Although I have no issues with initiating, I will rarely ever say something like "I need to be whipped/fucked/tortured" etc. It's just not my style. Well unless push comes to shove and the guy is dense as a brick. But then I try to avoid those types. I have many levels of subtleties and a man that can't pick up on subtleties has no business being with me. Nor I with him. That is unless we both want to beat our heads against walls.

In the long run though, like I said, it takes two to tango. A relationship does not just consist of one person. And people aren't perfect. So you have to communicate and find the balance that works. Just because a dominant is a dominant doesn't always mean he calls the shots. That is unless, you're just going along for the ride as a submissive.

Being in a relationship means communicating our needs. And if the submissive needs some attention, then in my opinion, she needs to be able to step up to the plate.

Or face the very real probability of wallowing in her own frustration because she hasn't let her needs be known.

(Pardon the dom=he and sub=she thing, but I'm a gal and I'm writing from my perspective. A straight submissive female.)

[Finding_Fantasy]

Well thanks for the input, everyone - it is appreciated.

I guess the biggest reason I asked is because you never hear about the submissive taking the initiative and starting a scene. Some, I think, would say that would be dominating from the bottom, telling the dominant what you want when you want it.

Pandora - you make some valid points. I am not the (how did you put it?) the type to say "I need to be whipped/fucked/tortured" either.

And I guess what turns me off from initiating a scene is that is usually leads to sex and most nights, I am not in the mood for sex. I am not a physical person. Never have been - so I guess that is part of my problem.

The other is that I don't want to "be a bother." If he is doing something he is enjoying, like playing a game, I don't want to "disturb" him - even though he says it wouldn't.

Again, thanks for the input and keep it coming. (If you have anything to say that is lol)

[Wontworry]

I start every scene, online or in real life, because thats the way that works for me/us. Having said that, I never discount the possibility (ok .. probability) that I can be manouvred into a position where I start the scene at the right time.

I dont think this is a particularly submissive thing, more a womanly trait (*ducks* ... although I meant that having two daughters I speak from experience !!!)

[Dngnkeeper]

I for one like to hear submissives thoughts and needs. While a daily helping would indicate to me a problem. In RL my experience tells me that its more likely to occure in the subtile ways Pandora discribes, cuffs or a hood sitting idely by or a flogger as a centerpiece at dinner. It also means I dont have to take her up on the offer if I'm not on the same page. But atleast I can acknowledge it and note it for tomorrow.

I'm not a mind reader and communication is a two way street. If I don't know whats on her mind I can't respond to it. A little suduction is great grease on the wheel.

[Pandora's Box]

The other is that I don't want to "be a bother." If he is doing something he is enjoying, like playing a game, I don't want to "disturb" him - even though he says it wouldn't.

This sounds like a comfort zone issue. Personal comfort, esteem etc. And in that sense... it's often best to try to take the risks to gain the rewards. I can't imagine TG ever saying "no I don't want to play", putting a video game above the interests of his wife.

In this sense, it seems like you are placing the video game etc above yourself. Not him. And using your concern (as his submissive) for him and his desires in order to not take the chance, to not face the fear of being rejected. Or even to avoid sex. Hard to say, but that's the feeling I get.

TG isn't a man that has his priorities all screwed up, or at least he doesn't seem to be. So I tend to think the issue lies within you. And it's something that you guys should explore. For your own happiness and for the happiness of your partnership.