First Assignment for VoodooMan

[Dragon's muse]

Construct a short story/scene/chapter with the following opening.

Robert's patience was growing thin; his deep voice had a cutting edge.

"Karen, is all this drama really necessary?"

[VoodooMan]

Construct a short story/scene/chapter with the following opening.

Robert's patience was growing thin; his deep voice had a cutting edge.

"Karen, is all this drama really necessary?"

Hmmm...

[Dragon's muse]

i have faith in you.

Do that voodoo you do so well.

rose

[VoodooMan]

Thank you for that vote of confidence. I have written a beginning and ending to my first story, and the middle is currently writing itself at a feverish pitch.

[isabeau6]

Thank you for that vote of confidence. I have written a beginning and ending to my first story, and the middle is currently writing itself at a feverish pitch.

good luck VoodooMan...i've had a bit of a set-back with starting my assignment, but should get on it...i look forward to reading your's..

[VoodooMan]

Thanks isabeau, and hang in there! We're all in this together, and I know you're in good hands.

Voodoo

[VoodooMan]

Construct a short story/scene/chapter with the following opening.

Robert's patience was growing thin; his deep voice had a cutting edge.

"Karen, is all this drama really necessary?"

Greetings Mentor Rose,

When this story is ready, can I attach it to an email to you as an MS Word document?

regards,

Voodoo

[Dragon's muse]

Nope, post it as a reply right here on this thread. Just like standing up to read your compositions in school. Don't worry, like i said, everyone waits till level IV to bite very hard.

rose

[VoodooMan]

Construct a short story/scene/chapter with the following opening.

Robert's patience was growing thin; his deep voice had a cutting edge.

"Karen, is all this drama really necessary? You either want to go or you don't."

Robert, having been dressed for a while, sat on the bed watching Karen’s metamorphosis. The process always fascinated him- perky blonde housewife disappearing with the emergence of the dark, feral creature now before him. That transformation was nearly complete when the melt-down began and her ranting interrupted his voyeuristic pleasure. It also served to confirm his feeling that it was time for a change. The incestuous, cult-like BDSM community that they'd been a part of for the last few years had become as much of an aggravation as a source of enjoyment. He was tired of all the crap associated with their extra-curricular activities, but one particular reason kept him involved.

"Women!" He thought to himself, shaking his head and chuckling.

"I'm done venting now, and I'm ready to go" she said as she finished zipping the shiny black boots that made feral creature stand several inches taller than perky housewife.

When she stood, Robert uttered the phrase that had become part of their pre-game ritual.

"Oh most gracious of Beings, My Queen..."

Karen purred and kissed him gently on the cheek. It was a lyric from a song that had become a joke between them. Reciting those words aloud was the closest thing to a gesture of submission she'd ever get from this beast of a man. It was his odd way of saying that in her exquisitely transformed state; black wig, corset and boots adorning porcelain-colored flesh, she looked ready to rule the planet (or at least to rule all the other creatures of the night at the local fetish club).

Once in the car, with his hand grasping the flesh of her inner thigh, she calmed quickly. He set cruise-control when they got on the highway, carefully shifted his hand to the back of her neck so he didn’t muss up the wig, and guided her head down to his lap.

“You know what to do, baby…”

And indeed she did. In seconds she had removed the cock from his trousers and was feasting on it. A few more seconds, and she was struggling to impale her own skull on the engorged head and shaft. Each of them exercised a different kind of discipline; she tried her best not to gag and he focused on not running head-on into a tree at 60 miles per hour. For a while the only sounds inside the car were Robert’s primal growls, vibrating down through Karen’s body and the gasping and slurping of the most perfect cock-sucking mouth ever created.

He began talking to her while she sucked, about the drama that had upset her earlier.

“You really must learn not to let those idiots get to you. Remember how we talked about staying within your own circle of control?”

All she could do was grunt as he continued.

“When those stupid people at the club say something slanderous behind your back, just consider their motives, breath deeply and let it go.”

Robert paused to enjoy the sounds of Karen gasping and sniffling as she sucked. He knew there would be lovely tears streaking her face when they arrived at their destination. It was getting harder for him to carry on a coherent conversation; she really was good.

The ringing of the cell phone startled them both. Karen kept sucking like the good little girl she was while Robert glanced down at the name on the screen.)
‘Trouble’ was the name that popped up.

He let out a wicked chuckle before saying, "It's your little girlfriend, but don’t you dare stop what you’re doing.”

He pressed the talk button and held the phone next to the loud throat-fucking action going on between his legs. Once he was certain that ‘Trouble’ had listened long enough to get an ear full, he raised the phone and spoke calmly.

“Karen can’t come to the phone right now, but she wanted me to confirm our plan to meet at the club, on the patio out back. She wanted me to say that she has a special surprise for you, and that we’d be there in just a few minutes.”

Robert shut off the cell phone, growled again, and said, “Mmm… I’m about to shoot a big, nasty load of cum in your mouth, and you’ll take every drop won’t you?”

All Karen could manage was a slight nod and an affirmative grunt.

Robert continued, “I want you to keep every bit of that sticky mess in your mouth, no swallowing. Understood?”

He gave her head a firm shove to reinforce his message and got another grunt in response.

He maneuvered the car into the club’s parking lot. Moments later, after switching off the car, Robert groaned as he blew his load into Karen’s waiting mouth. He uttered a disjointed mix of words and guttural sounds that the casual listener might have mistaken for audiotape recordings of a sexual assault. When he opened his eyes again, he could see Karen bent over him, her hips gyrating as if an invisible lover was fucking her from behind. She was ready.

“Let’s go, baby. Your kingdom awaits.”

Robert pushed her away and focused on regaining his composure. When Karen sat up and looked at him, the most wicked of smiles appeared on his face. She was a complete wreck; long black mascara streaks down both cheeks, cum drooling from her lips to her chin. Never in his life had he seen anything so perfectly beautiful. He knew she’d be struggling to do as she’d been told and still make it across the parking lot, so he rushed around to open her car door and help her. They ignored the waves and smiling faces, and arm-in-arm headed straight for the patio out back.

Waiting there, dressed just like a Catholic schoolgirl was ‘Trouble’, also known as Amanda. She had a long thick mane of brown hair and a plaid skirt so short it hardly covered any part of her muscular thighs. Former high school cheerleader, sweet little Amanda was an aerobics instructor by day and Karen’s little fuck toy as often as possible. All of this pleased Robert greatly, including his immediate plan to test the depths of Amanda’s worship of Karen.

The three of them now face-to-face, Robert leaned close to Karen, pressing his lips to her ear and whispering just loud enough that both women could hear, "Show your little whore what you have to share with her.”

Karen moved in very close to Amanda, each staring with lust-filled eyes at the other and ignoring the world around them. Robert knew that Amanda struggled to be this close to Karen without touching her, kissing her and groping her wantonly. Karen’s lips parted and the mess she’d been holding began to dribble out. Incredibly, Amanda did not hesitate. She tilted her head and pressed her mouth greedily into Karen’s in such a way that made it impossible to know whether she was willingly accepting the “gift” of Robert’s cum, or ignoring it completely. It was commonplace to see girl-girl make-out sessions in this venue. Yet these two pretty vixens kissing and grinding together wildly attracted the full attention of everyone on the patio.

Finally the two women pulled away slightly from one another and turned to Robert, who was staring in wondrous delight. Karen and Amanda looked at him and noticed the proud smile on his face. This was another big step in their journey together. All three of them recognized the importance of the act. Robert gathered the girls close, one on each side, and gave each a soft kiss on the cheek.

It was Amanda who spoke first, her smile evident in her voice as she spoke to Karen, “Daddy certainly is in a mood tonight, isn’t he my Queen?"

[tessa]

Well, now. Quite a first attempt. That I could imagine each and every part of the story certainly adds to the appeal. Your Voodoo magic translates very well.

Thanks for the peek inside.

tessa

[Dragon's muse]

Just a quick note to let you know i have seen this and will sit down to give it a solid critique/review and pick some nits this afternoon.

rose

[Rhabbi]

Very nice story. I love the imagery and the way you made the story work. There are a few nits to pick, which I list below.

That transformation was nearly complete when the melt-down began and her ranting interrupted his voyeuristic pleasure.

This should be one word, not hyphenated.

"I'm done venting now, and I'm ready to go" she said as she finished zipping the shiny black boots that made feral creature stand several inches taller than perky housewife.

Should be a comma here.

It was a lyric from a song that had become a joke between them.

This sentence is phrased awkwardly. It makes the seque intop the next sentence a bit off pace. Try something like: A song lyric that had become a private joke between them, his recital...

He set cruise-control when they got on the highway, carefully shifted his hand to the back of her neck so he didn’t muss up the wig, and guided her head down to his lap.

Couple ot things here. Cruise control is 2 words. And this sentence is a bit busy for my taste. Not sure exactly how to fix it other than splitting it into 2 sentences.

And indeed she did. In seconds she had removed the cock from his trousers and was feasting on it. A few more seconds, and she was struggling to impale her own skull on the engorged head and shaft. Each of them exercised a different kind of discipline; she tried her best not to gag and he focused on not running head-on into a tree at 60 miles per hour. For a while the only sounds inside the car were Robert’s primal growls, vibrating down through Karen’s body and the gasping and slurping of the most perfect cock-sucking mouth ever created.

I would drop the initial and, leaving it off emphasizes the thought. The words in red need to have a comma after them, and I would add one after gag, just to help clarify. Also, delete the most. Adding a modifier is needed only in making comparisons, and modifying perfect is impossible, something is either perfect or it is not.

When Karen sat up and looked at him, the most wicked of smiles appeared on his face

Most wicked? Of what? This is why you only use these words in making comparissons. A hard habit to break, but a necessary one for a good writer.

Waiting there, dressed just like a Catholic schoolgirl was ‘Trouble’, also known as Amanda

You should use as here. Makes the sentence flow more natuarally, and is the best way to say this.

Finally the two women pulled away slightly from one another and turned to Robert, who was staring in wondrous delight.

Another missing comma.

As I said, this is a good story, and I like the way you tied it all together. the niots are nothing serious, and I hope to see more from you.

[Dragon's muse]

i like it, very nice. Good characterizations, and a nice steamy BJ. Nicely put together, good flow and nice pacing.

I ratify all the nits found by my Jr. Grammar Nazi, First Class, Rahbbi. Maybe just a few more tiny things. All in all a fine effort.

i will get your next assignment posted today or tomorrow.

Construct a short story/scene/chapter with the following opening.

Robert's patience was growing thin; his deep voice had a cutting edge.

"Karen, is all this drama really necessary? You either want to go or you don't."

[COLOR="Red"]Robert, having been dressed for a while, sat on the bed watching Karen’s metamorphosis (slightly awkward, Maybe try Robert sat on the bed, already dressed, watching Karen's metamorphosis./COLOR].


It also served to confirm (simplify to "confirmed"his feeling that it was time for a change. The incestuous, cult-like BDSM community that (delete -- the word that is almost always unnecessary; regard it with grave suspicion) they'd been a part of for the last few years had become as much of an aggravation as a source of enjoyment.



When she stood, Robert uttered the phrase that had become part of their pre-game ritual.

"Oh most gracious of Beings, My Queen..."

Karen purred and kissed him gently on the cheek. It was a lyric from a song that had become a joke between them. (i would rephrase this to, The song lyric had become their private joke. Reciting those words aloud (delete -- how does one recite silently? was the closest thing to a gesture of submission she'd ever get from this beast of a man. It was his odd way of saying that in her exquisitely transformed state;(change to a dash black wig, corset and boots adorning porcelain-colored flesh, (change to a dash) she looked ready to rule the planet (or at least to rule (delete -- since this is parenthetical, there is no need ot repeat the verb)all the other creatures of the night at the local fetish club).



The ringing of the cell phone startled them both. Karen kept sucking like the good little girl she was while Robert glanced down at the name on the screen.)
‘Trouble’ was the name that popped up.

He (maybe simplify to "chuckled wickedly"before saying (delete -- unnecessary), "It's your little girlfriend, but don’t you dare stop what you’re doing.”




He maneuvered the car into the club’s parking lot. Moments later, after switching off the car, Robert groaned as he blew his load (colloquialism like this one are usually better left to dialogue)into Karen’s waiting mouth.


She was a complete wreck; (this should be either a colon or a dash) long black mascara streaks down both cheeks, cum drooling from her lips to her chin.


Finally the two women pulled away slightly from one another and turned to Robert, who was staring in wondrous delight. Karen and Amanda looked at him and (delete this bit, unnecessary noticed the proud smile on his face.