Quote Originally Posted by ElectricBadger View Post
I think ya write just fine, no worries.

Repetition happens, and is fine to a degree anyways; not every line should be something new and unexpected. Avoiding it is more about introducing new central ideas/situations than major change. Anyhow, in a short work it's usually not much of an issue.

As for the intro, it's not at all a problem to put yourself into it --that's actually a really good thing -- it's more about showing what's happening with details rather than telling facts. For an example, the first line: "Melanie was sleeping soundly." That's not what a person would actually see if they were present; it's what they would interpret from what they saw, which would be something like "Melanie lay sprawled across her satin sheets, her breathing deep and rhythmic as her pale limbs shone in the moonlight." All these are sensory perceptions, and as such put the reader into the situation, and make the reader interact by interpreting the situation for themselves. Giving the reader digested facts makes them feel detached from the story. Details also help to characterize the situation: Melanie on red satin sheets is different than Melanie on white cotton ones, as is Melanie breathing deeply rather than moaning to a dream, although all those would fall under "Melanie was sleeping soundly."
o i see now...hmm i'm not terrific at descriptions..and that's so funny, because when i comment on a story i always usually say so very descriptive, i like that etc...details also i'm not much good with...but thanks..i'll take that advice and try to work on it..o damn..lol...now i'm really stuck in a block..