tessa's assignment- finally

[tessa]

Ok, here it is. It's not the original story that I obsessed over. And I don't know if this one is following all the rules. But I like it. And it just poured out of me, so there's that. So feel free to cut it up. ~wicked smile~

Panty Raid

I threw her a good distance across the room and onto the bed. She landed on her back, but quickly scrambled onto her stomach, trying to slide herself across to the other side. Smiling, I thought to myself that she could move pretty fast. But I moved faster. Falling on top of her, I caught her arm, pinning it behind her back. With my other hand, I pushed down on the back of her neck, keeping her face in the pillow. Her writhing body under mine felt so good. I wrapped my legs around her kicking ones and spread them wide.

She laughed. It was one of those almost hysterical laughs, but with an edge of darkness to it that fueled me. Wanting to feel her struggle, I loosened my hold on her arms just enough. She didn’t disappoint. If I’d not expected it, her elbow would have made direct contact with my side. That wicked laugh bubbled up from her as I pinned her down once more. I leaned forward, getting my mouth extremely close to her ear.

“’What am I going to do about it?’ That’s what you wanted to know? Let me show you what I’m going to do about it, bitch.” Each word I hissed into her ear made her squirm even more.

I could smell her excitement. Nothing had made me feel more alive than this in a long time. My body pressed her into the bed even more as I moved my one hand off her neck to reach down under and between our bodies. I pulled her skirt up over her ass, bunching it up between us. Slowly I rubbed my hand over those firm mounds of flesh.

“You dared come to me wearing panties?” I kept my voice low and very deep. “Are these pretty pink panties your favorite? Is that why you wore them?”

She laughed again, mocking slightly. “These are my favorite panties. I like them, so yeah, I wore them.” Her smile and her defiance covered each word she spoke.

Letting my hand trail up her side first, I then reached out towards the nightstand. She had managed to turn her head to the side, was able to see my hand. With a smile on my own face, I picked up the knife, clicked it open and let the light from the lamp glint off the blade. She stopped laughing. Her gasp of surprise was almost as sweet a sound as her wild giggle.

“I suggest you stay very, very still.” Her body shook beneath mine while I spoke.

My legs stayed wrapped around hers and one hand stayed on the back of her neck. I slid the blade under one side, letting the cool metal caress her right hip. Always thinking ahead, I had sharpened the knife very carefully before leaving home. I wanted to cut her, to watch her bleed. Oh how delicious a thought that was, thinking of those ribbons of red against that pale flesh. Pressing down on her body under mine, I felt her fear. I could smell that off her too. My urge to cut was every bit as strong as my urge to fuck, but this wasn’t the time. Not this time…

The lace fabric was no match for the razor-like sharpness of the blade. There wasn’t even a whimper of resistance as the knife sliced easily through that one side. The girl worked so hard to stay still and she had forgotten to take a breath. I smoothed her hair back off her face, whispering in her ear, telling her to breathe. Then I looked at her. Her eyes were wide, and yes, the fear was there, but it wasn’t overwhelming her. She trusted me implicitly, but this was new ground for us to cover. Then I saw her smile a little half-smile. That told me what I wanted to know.

Pushing myself on top of her again, I moved the knife to my other hand and again, slid the blade under the fabric. It was like cutting into warm butter. The fabric fell away. I closed the knife and replaced it on the stand. Reaching under her, I fisted the scrap of material and pulled it away. As I did, she attempted to wiggle away from me. Smiling, I grabbed onto her hips, flipping her over on her back. Using the moves I’d learned long ago, I was able to keep her quite immobile there on that bed. I brought the now useless panties up to her face and shoved them partially in her mouth. She twisted her head to the side, trying to avoid getting an entire mouthful. She made quite a picture, laying there beneath me, pink, cut-up panties filling her mouth. Except for my cock, nothing in there could have looked any better.

“Any more notions about wearing panties when you come to me?” I asked with a smile plastered on my face.

She spit what she could of the fabric out of her mouth and mumbled, “No, Sir.” But then she tossed a look up at me that let me know her true feelings on the matter.

But now, with no panties in the way, I had the home field advantage. I moved off her, careful to watch for any sudden movements. There were none, just her looking up at me expectantly.

“Head down, ass up. We need to, well, discuss this matter further.” I felt the excitement exude from her.

And again, that laugh…

[Rhabbi]

First off tessa, I liked the story, the flow was good with a couple of exceptions and everything was believable. Good job. Now for the nit picks, as I am trying to learn to do this to my stories.

Smiling, I thought to myself that she could move pretty fast. But I moved faster.

This does not work. The why is a bit difficult for me to pin down, but one problem is pretty fast. Fast is more than adequate for this.
I also do not like where it said I thought to myself. This is a first peson POV so we klnow what he is thinking, why is he describing the process of thinking?
I would try something like: I smiled. She moved fast, but I mover faster. Keep the action flowing.

I wrapped my legs around her kicking ones and spread them wide.

Another sentence that broke the flow for me. I cannot picture this. He is on top of her, pinning her down, and somehow manages to wrap his legs around hers, and yet force hers apart. I would describe him as either straddling her, or pushing one or bothe kness between her legs to force them apart. Cosidering that he later flips her i would go for the straddling.

She laughed. It was one of those almost hysterical laughs, but with an edge of darkness to it that fueled me.

This is good, but too many words. She laughed. It was almost hysterical, but with an edge of darkness to it that fueled me. I like this better.

My legs stayed wrapped around hers and one hand stayed on the back of her neck.

Goes back to the original issue about position, but still nags at me.

Oh how delicious a thought that was, thinking of those ribbons of red against that pale flesh.

It is a nice thought, but it is also an incomplete one in that it is an incomplete sentence.

And again, that laugh...

Drop the and here.

[Mad Lews]

tessa dear,
A very nice job, you capture the excitement urgency and desire of the exchange. Still if you hope to avoid further spankings you'll need to make it purrfect

Smiling, I thought to myself that she could move pretty fast.

could easily become 'She was fast but I was quicker.' says it all with an economy of words and willful arrogance that is very male.

Falling on top of her,

Falling is a little passive, pouncing is more active

I wrapped my legs around her kicking ones and spread them wide.

Yeah this one’s been covered but it is important to your male readers. it really gets down to a nitty-gritty difference in both anatomy and perspective. Males engaged in faux rape with a resistant partner need to get in there but this is invariably accomplished by wedging a knee between the victims legs and prying them open.wrapping ones legs around another's would make leverage and thrusting problematic at best. Men much prefer to be between your legs dear, not wrapped around them.

My legs stayed wrapped around hers and one hand stayed on the back of her neck.

My legs forced her knees open while I forced her head down with….

Try to show a bit of dommish indifference; he’s taking what he wants. You need to find that thin line that wavers between caring and brutal indifference.

The lace fabric was no match for the razor-like sharpness of the blade.

A razor sharp blade would do.

Except for my cock, nothing in there could have looked any better.

A little awkward say it directly; with economy and urgency.

“Head down, ass up. We need to, well, discuss this matter further.” I felt the excitement exude from her.

Replacing ‘well’ with an appropriate expletive or dropping it all together would be more powerful.

Excitement might radiate rather than exude but that’s a personal preference.

Overall an ambitious attempt which really does demonstrate some of the problems of writing from the other genders perspective. I’m not trying to be harsh, I think you’re over half way there, and on your way to a brilliant piece.
I think you have an easier time with our (masculine) mindset than with the actual physical consequences of a male perspective. There is an ancient maxim in the biological sciences. Form determines function. It is all well and good to be emotionally empathetic. A good writer needs that. But it’s also true that you need to realize how very basic physical differences affect some of the subtler mental and emotional ones. The poker is going to view teasing, sex, and power exchange in a totally different way than the pokee .
I hope that wasn’t too discouraging, it's not meant to be.

Mad

Rhabbi,

Damn you’re getting good at picking out the soft spots. Of course if you don’t get that assignment of yours in soon tessa’s going to be up at level 4 just waiting to return the favor.

Lews

[Ruby]

Hi Tessa,

Congrats on getting your assignment in. Notice I didn't say, done. This story isn't quite done yet.

The assignment was male point of view, first person voice, active tense. Whoo hoo! You did it. A huge pat on the back.

This story is very hot. It's quite passionate and the interchange between the characters is very delightful. Like any good story, I want to read what happens next. Even better, I really like the personality of the story teller.

Layout, spelling, and the use of proper grammer are excellent. Even the pacing of the piece is right on target.

Mad Lews and Rhabbi have given some great points and suggestions on where you might go back and fix a few things.

From an editing perspective, I won't rehash those. I will ask you to:

a. Go back through this story and see if anything in the passive voice can be changed to active voice.

Examples:

She had managed to turn her head to the side, was able to see my hand.

She turned her head to the side and saw my hand.

Her gasp of surprise was almost as sweet a sound as her wild giggle.

Her gasp of surprise sounded almost as sweet as her wild giggle.

b. Look to see what words your storytelling is using often. If a another word works, then make changes as needed.

For example, the word "but" can be switched for "however" or "yet". It's one of those words that when used too often becomes distracting.

That's it from me.

Congratulations!

I'm looking forward to the next version. Please post it in this thread.

Keep up the great work and write on!

Ruby

[tessa]

Well, as far as the cutting up goes, that wasn't so bad. Whew! Oh, but wait...Mr. Dean hasn't sliced away at it yet. ~sighs~

Rhabbi, thank you for the input. So nice of you to take the time.

Mr. Mad, if you expect me to make it purrrfect, please don't distract me with promises of spankings. Makes it hard for a girl to focus. That said, I didn't find one bit of your critique discouraging. Quite the opposite, actually. What I gleaned from your thoughtful comments is that I have something to work with, not something to scrap because it's just trash to toss. I will take your ideas and will be able to improve my work. Nothing about that is discouraging. My sincere appreciation (along with a full-on body-to-body hug).

Ms. Ruby, I knew that active/passive thing would come back to haunt me. Who knew that would be such a bitch to deal with?? Oh yeah, you did. This assignment was indeed a challenge and I thank you for pushing me out of my comfort zone. I very much appreciate your time in this. I'll get to the re-write ASAP.

Back to the cutting-board...

tessa

[Mad Lews]

Mr. Mad, if you expect me to make it purrrfect, please don't distract me with promises of spankings. Makes it hard for a girl to focus. That said, I didn't find one bit of your critique discouraging. Quite the opposite, actually. What I gleaned from your thoughtful comments is that I have something to work with, not something to scrap because it's just trash to toss. I will take your ideas and will be able to improve my work. Nothing about that is discouraging. My sincere appreciation (along with a full-on body-to-body hug).

Back to the cutting-board...

tessa

Shifts weight within full, wrap about, body hug, searching for proper leverage.
OK tessa no more spankings for you until you finish your rewrite.
Hope that speeds up the process for you butt you'll owe me one.
Lews

[tessa]

~goes into super-speed writing mode so I can hurry up and get to my next spanking...umm, assignment~



~wiggles my cute lil' butt at the Mad One~

This what you had in mind when you mentioned about how I owe you?? By the way? Great hug!!

Sorry, Lews, no drool-wiping for you today. I've got a story to redo.

[Mad Lews]

~goes into super-speed writing mode so I can hurry up and get to my next spanking...umm, assignment~



~wiggles my cute lil' butt at the Mad One~

This what you had in mind when you mentioned about how I owe you?? By the way? Great hug!!

Sorry, Lews, no drool-wiping for you today. I've got a story to redo.

Drip, drip drip...
Lews

[tessa]

I wrapped my legs around her kicking ones and spread them wide

Another sentence that broke the flow for me. I cannot picture this. He is on top of her, pinning her down, and somehow manages to wrap his legs around hers, and yet force hers apart. I would describe him as either straddling her, or pushing one or bothe kness between her legs to force them apart.

wrapping ones legs around another's would make leverage and thrusting problematic at best. Men much prefer to be between your legs dear, not wrapped around them.

Ok, because you both made basically the same comment about this, I will say the following:

Trust me when I say that the whole wrapping around of legs issue is quite doable and quite effective. No problematic a bit, considering the situation in which it occured. I am changing the line in the story because writing, after all, is intended for the reader. That the author knows differently is enough.

[Rhabbi]

Hey tessa, go look at my story for this assignment. My first draft was a lot worse than yours, and I evenmtually got a story out that works. So I am sure that you can do it too.

[tessa]

Drip, drip drip...
Lews

Lews, you're as distracting as your Mad partner in evil over there. Between his threats of spankings and your drips, I am having difficulty concentrating here.

But y'all are just so cute, so I'll manage.

[tessa]

Hey tessa, go look at my story for this assignment. My first draft was a lot worse than yours, and I evenmtually got a story out that works. So I am sure that you can do it too.

Rhabbi, you have an incredible way with words.

Thanks for the encouragement?

~laughs~

[Mad Lews]

Ok, because you both made basically the same comment about this, I will say the following:

Trust me when I say that the whole wrapping around of legs issue is quite doable and quite effective. No problematic a bit, considering the situation in which it occured. I am changing the line in the story because writing, after all, is intended for the reader. That the author knows differently is enough.

While Mad is willing to be convinced, Lews feels a demonstration is in order.
Barring that he's willing to settle for some 8X10 color glossy photos. You know the address right?
Mad

[Rhabbi]

Rhabbi, you have an incredible way with words.

Thanks for the encouragement?

~laughs~

It is, it only took me 200 revisions to get it working, so you should have no problem.

*evil chuckle*

[tessa]

While Mad is willing to be convinced, Lews feels a demonstration is in order.
Barring that he's willing to settle for some 8X10 color glossy photos. You know the address right?
Mad

Would you settle for 5X7 black and whites? No? Well, I would. Damn the lack of cameras that day.

And Mad? Lews told me that you wanted the demo more than he did. Despite his drooling nature, I believe him.

Still, the story does read better now, thanks to your suggestion, Mr. Mad. Despite what may, or may not have, occured.

Yours truly-
tessa

[Mad Lews]

Would you settle for 5X7 black and whites? No? Well, I would. Damn the lack of cameras that day.

And Mad? Lews told me that you wanted the demo more than he did. Despite his drooling nature, I believe him.

Still, the story does read better now, thanks to your suggestion, Mr. Mad. Despite what may, or may not have, occured.

Yours truly-
tessa

Sometimes it not what actually occurred but what should have occurred that counts.

Ask any reporter for the New York Times.
5X7 black and whites will do in a pinch. I hope you don't have to recreate the entire scene over and over again just as research. If you do, go with a digital camera and find a volunteer photographer. We will accept posted .jpg files
Looks left and right, can only spot Lews waving his hands eagerly willingly volunteering just to be helpful.
The things you have to just to get past Ruby. Hope it's worth it
Mad

[H Dean]

This was very exciting and well done. Really, quite good. Now to get mean...

Panty Raid

I threw her a good distance across the room and onto the bed. She landed on her back, but quickly scrambled onto her stomach, trying to slide herself across to the other side. Smiling, I thought to myself that she could move pretty fast. But I moved faster. Falling on top of her, I caught her arm, pinning it behind her back. With my other hand, I pushed down on the back of her neck, keeping her face in the pillow. Her writhing body under mine felt so good. I wrapped my legs around her kicking ones and spread them wide.

Great start except for the last sentence. It was awkward and could have been done better.

She laughed. It was one of those almost hysterical laughs, but with an edge of darkness to it that fueled me. Wanting to feel her struggle, I loosened my hold on her arms just enough. She didn’t disappoint. If I’d not expected it, her elbow would have made direct contact with my side. That wicked laugh bubbled up from her as I pinned her down once more. I leaned forward, getting my mouth extremely close to her ear.

“’What am I going to do about it?’ That’s what you wanted to know? Let me show you what I’m going to do about it, bitch.” Each word I hissed into her ear made her squirm even more.

Quite good, this bit. I could really see it happening.

I could smell her excitement. Nothing had made me feel more alive than this in a long time.

This was less than stellar and it lost the immediacy of the situation at hand.

"I felt alive; more so than I could recall in a long time." would have been a bit better.

My body pressed her into the bed even more as I moved my one hand off her neck to reach down under and between our bodies. I pulled her skirt up over her ass, bunching it up between us.

I think a minor re-arrangement of this would have brought it to more immediacy..."Pulling her skirt up and over her ass, I let it bunch up between us." Though, there was nothing wrong with how you said it. Also, it would have pulled the panties between the crack of her ass...always a good visual to include in such action.

Slowly I rubbed my hand over those firm mounds of flesh.

“You dared come to me wearing panties?” I kept my voice low and very deep. “Are these pretty pink panties your favorite? Is that why you wore them?”

She laughed again, mocking slightly. “These are my favorite panties. I like them, so yeah, I wore them.” Her smile and her defiance covered each word she spoke.

I kinda wondered how he saw her smile, as close as he was to her ear.

Letting my hand trail up her side first, I then reached out towards the nightstand. She had managed to turn her head to the side, was able to see my hand. With a smile on my own face, I picked up the knife, clicked it open and let the light from the lamp glint off the blade. She stopped laughing. Her gasp of surprise was almost as sweet a sound as her wild giggle.

Eliminate the "then" and then adjust the other sentence a bit.

“I suggest you stay very, very still.” Her body shook beneath mine while I spoke.

"She was shaking/shivering beneath me" would have been better here. This short needs immediacy...it's happening in a rush and it's a bit firghtening and exciting. Keep it that way.

My legs stayed wrapped around hers and one hand stayed on the back of her neck.

This was a bit awkward and could have been said better.

I slid the blade under one side, letting the cool metal caress her right hip.

"under one side?". Try "I slid the blade down her side, letting the cool metal caress her right hip."

Always thinking ahead, I had sharpened the knife very carefully before leaving home. I wanted to cut her, to watch her bleed. Oh how delicious a thought that was, thinking of those ribbons of red against that pale flesh.

Great fucking visual.

Pressing down on her body under mine, I felt her fear.

Was he pressing down or was it just his weight that was pressing down? This felt odd to me. I just htink this could have been a bit better.

I could smell that off her too.

Go with this a little bit. How could you smell it? Was it in her sweat? Did it waft into your nostrils? Give me more. Don't leave it like that. Also, the sentence was not great. You've a chance to really express something and you failed to do so. Its a stark contrast to the notion of "ribbons of red"

My urge to cut was every bit as strong as my urge to fuck, but this wasn’t the time. Not this time…

The lace fabric was no match for the razor-like sharpness of the blade. There wasn’t even a whimper of resistance as the knife sliced easily through that one side.

Forget that "one side". Try just slicing through the thin fabric that hid what was beneath.

The girl worked so hard to stay still and she had forgotten to take a breath.

Try "that".

I smoothed her hair back off her face, whispering in her ear, telling her to breathe. Then I looked at her. Her eyes were wide, and yes, the fear was there, but it wasn’t overwhelming her. She trusted me implicitly, but this was new ground for us to cover. Then I saw her smile a little half-smile. That told me what I wanted to know.

Remember that immediacy is paramount in this story. Write it that way...don't get passive.

Pushing myself on top of her again, I moved the knife to my other hand and again, slid the blade under the fabric. It was like cutting into warm butter. The fabric fell away. I closed the knife and replaced it on the stand. Reaching under her, I fisted the scrap of material and pulled it away. As I did, she attempted to wiggle away from me. Smiling, I grabbed onto her hips, flipping her over on her back. Using the moves I’d learned long ago, I was able to keep her quite immobile there on that bed. I brought the now useless panties up to her face and shoved them partially in her mouth. She twisted her head to the side, trying to avoid getting an entire mouthful. She made quite a picture, laying there beneath me, pink, cut-up panties filling her mouth. Except for my cock, nothing in there could have looked any better.

There was no need for some of what is in red. The "that" should be replaced with "the". Also, I think you can manage to give this paragraph a bit more power than it has.

“Any more notions about wearing panties when you come to me?” I asked with a smile plastered on my face.

She spit what she could of the fabric out of her mouth and mumbled, “No, Sir.” But then she tossed a look up at me that let me know her true feelings on the matter.

After the "sir" you have no need to start another sentence. In fact, it would be far better to finish it with "her gaze betraying her true feelings". The reason I would use "betray" is display her defeat, both physically and emotionally.

But now, with no panties in the way, I had the home field advantage. I moved off her, careful to watch for any sudden movements. There were none, just her looking up at me expectantly.

Try "moving off her, I was careful..."

Again, it's more immediate.

“Head down, ass up. We need to, well, discuss this matter further.” I felt the excitement exude from her.

And again, that laugh…

Great punch line to end this with. Really, this was very well done. My main critisism is that sentences often started a bit pssive before comming into immediate motion. Start of immediate and it makes the more passive portions of your sentence immediate. I touched on the following sentence earlier, but it is a prime example of what I mean: I smoothed her hair back off her face, whispering in her ear, telling her to breathe.
I would have done it like this: Smoothing the hair from her face, I whispered in her ear, commanding she breathe."

Okay, that's all folks. Now I shall be off...self abuse is at hand!

[H Dean]

I should note that there are a few things that Mad stated that are right on the money about this story. Things I actually fgailed to note...mostly because I didn't pay attention to the goal of this assignment. Okay...I forgot about the goal. I blame the quality of your story for that.

[tessa]

I wrapped my legs around her kicking ones and spread them wide.

Never again will this line appear in anything I write. The End.

Mr. Mad, tell Lews that I'd love to have him come on over and assist with the video equipment. Will you come too? Pretty please? The more the merrier. ok, maybe that's just my take on it, being the self-absorbed exhibitionist I am.

Mr. Dean. Wow. If that's your mean, I want more. Well, as it applies to my writing. Something tells me that it's probably the only mean from you I could manage. And because you were so very helpful...~BIG, BIG HUG~

See? That wasn't so hard, now was it? But if I keep up with the hugging ~looks down~ it just might be, self abuse or not.

With all this incredible feedback, it will be all my fault if the redo sucks and I should be banned from the Writer's Block forever.

Thanks y'all!!!

~hugs everyone in a group-orgy kind of hug~

tessa

[Rhabbi]

I wrapped my legs around her kicking ones and spread them wide.

Never again will this line appear in anything I write. The End.

just one of those differences between men and women tessa. Made sense to you when you wrote it, but not to us men. Women get use to wrapping their legs around someone.

PS, can I join the orgy?

[tessa]

just one of those differences between men and women tessa. Made sense to you when you wrote it, but not to us men. Women get use to wrapping their legs around someone.

PS, can I join the orgy?

It made sense to me when it happened! ~laughs~

Sure, Rhabbi, join the orgy hug. The more the merrier!

tessa

[tessa]

Ok, I stole everyone's wonderful ideas and suggestions and I hope I incorporated them properly. If not, I have this feeling that someone will assist me in making it proper...well, proper as it applies to erotica. Thanks for all the help, y'all!
************************************************** *******

I threw her a good distance across the room and onto the bed. She landed on her back, but quickly scrambled onto her stomach, trying to slide herself across to the other side. She moved fast, but I was quicker. Pouncing on top of her, I caught her arm, pinning it behind her back. Her writhing body under mine felt so good. I forced my legs between her kicking ones and spread them wide, then pushed her face down in the pillow.

She laughed. It was one of those hysterical-like sounds, but with an edge of darkness to it that fueled me. Wanting to feel her struggle, I loosened my hold on her arms just enough. She didn’t disappoint. If I’d not expected it, her elbow would have made direct contact with my ribcage. That wicked laugh bubbled up from her as I pinned her down once more. I leaned forward, getting my mouth extremely close to her ear.

“’What am I going to do about it?’ That’s what you wanted to know? Let me show you what I’m going to do about it, bitch.” My words made her squirm even more.

I felt alive, more so than I had in a very long time. My body pressed hers into the bed as I moved my hand off her neck to reach between our bodies. I pulled her skirt up over her ass, letting it bunch up between us. Smiling to myself as I firmly grasped the lace, I very deliberately wiggled the panties between the crack of her ass, making sure she especially felt that last hard tug. Admiring the image that created, I caressed those firm mounds of flesh.

“You dared come to me wearing panties?” I kept my voice low and very deep.

She laughed again, mocking slightly. “These are my favorite panties. I like them so I wore them.” Her defiance covered each word she spoke.

Letting my hand trail up her side first, I reached out towards the nightstand. She turned her head to the side and followed the movement of my hand. With a smile on my face, I picked up the knife, clicked it open and let the light from the lamp glance off the blade. She stopped laughing. Her gasp of surprise sounded as sweet as her wild giggle.

“I suggest you stay very, very still.” Her body shook beneath mine as I spoke.

Always thinking ahead, I had sharpened the knife very carefully before leaving home, and was well aware of the damage I could inflict. With a growl, my legs forced hers apart even more. Sliding the blade down the side of her hip, I admired the way her flesh yielded beneath it. I smelled her fear as it snaked up between us. It sliced into me as deeply as my blade could into her flesh. I wanted to cut her, to watch her bleed, and craved to see those ribbons of red on her pale flesh. My urge to cut was every bit as strong as my urge to fuck, but this wasn’t the time. Not this time…

The lace fabric proved no match for the razor sharp blade. Fear, excitement and lust crawled over us as the knife sliced through the thin fabric that hid what was beneath. The girl worked so hard to stay still that she had forgotten to take a breath. I grabbed a handful of hair, forcing her head back and whispered viciously into her ear, commanding her to breathe. Needing to see for myself, I jerked her head back even more and looked at her. Her eyes showed the fear, but it wasn’t overwhelming her. Yes, she trusted me implicitly, but this was new ground for us to cover, so my questioning gaze remained. She flashed a little half-smile. That told me what I wanted to know.

Pushing myself on top of her again, I moved the knife to my other hand and again slid the blade against her flesh and under the fabric. As if cutting into warm butter, the fabric fell away. I closed the knife and replaced it on the stand. Reaching under her, I fisted the scrap of material and pulled it away. As I did, she attempted to wiggle away from me. With the intent to overpower, I dug my fingers into the flesh of her hips and flipped her over onto her back. Using moves I’d learned long ago, I held her there, keeping her immobile. She struggled against me. Her breath came in panting spurts, more from the fierce excitement than the struggle. I brought the now useless panties up to her face and shoved them partially in her mouth. She twisted her head to the side, trying to avoid getting an entire mouthful. She made a pretty picture, lying there beneath me, with her pink, cut-up panties filling her mouth. Nothing except my cock could have looked any better in there.

“Any more notions about wearing panties when you come to me?” I asked her, a smile plastered on my face because she looked so cute with that pink lace hanging out of her mouth.

With her gaze betraying her true feelings, she spit what she could of the fabric out of her mouth and mumbled, “No, Sir.”

Now, with nothing in my way, I had the home field advantage. Carefully watching for any sudden movements, I slid off her. She stayed where she was, looking up at me expectantly.

“Head down, ass up. We need to discuss this matter further.”

Again, that laugh…

[Mad Lews]

Ok, I stole everyone's wonderful ideas and suggestions and I hope I incorporated them properly. If not, I have this feeling that someone will assist me in making it proper...well, proper as it applies to erotica. Thanks for all the help, y'all!
************************************************** *******

I threw her a good distance across the room and onto the bed. She landed on her back, but quickly scrambled onto her stomach, trying to slide herself across to the other side. She moved fast, but I was quicker. Pouncing on top of her, I caught her arm, pinning it behind her back. Her writhing body under mine felt so good. I forced my legs between her kicking ones and spread them wide, then pushed her face down in the pillow.

She laughed. It was one of those hysterical-like sounds, but with an edge of darkness to it that fueled me. Wanting to feel her struggle, I loosened my hold on her arms just enough. She didn’t disappoint. If I’d not expected it, her elbow would have made direct contact with my ribcage. That wicked laugh bubbled up from her as I pinned her down once more. I leaned forward, getting my mouth extremely close to her ear.

“’What am I going to do about it?’ That’s what you wanted to know? Let me show you what I’m going to do about it, bitch.” My words made her squirm even more.

I felt alive, more so than I had in a very long time. My body pressed hers into the bed as I moved one hand off her neck to reach between our bodies. I pulled her skirt up over her ass, letting it bunch up between us. Smiling to myself as I firmly grasped the lace, I very deliberately wiggled the panties between the crack of her ass, making sure she especially felt that last hard tug. Admiring the image that created, I caressed those firm mounds of flesh.

“You dared come to me wearing panties?” I kept my voice low and very deep.

She laughed again, mocking slightly. “These are my favorite panties. I like them so I wore them.” Her defiance covered each word she spoke.

Letting my hand trail up her side first, I reached out towards the nightstand. She turned her head to the side and followed the movement of my hand. With a smile on my face, I picked up the knife, clicked it open and let the light from the lamp glance off the blade. She stopped laughing. Her gasp of surprise sounded as sweet as her wild giggle.

“I suggest you stay very, very still.” Her body shook beneath mine as I spoke.

Always thinking ahead, I had sharpened the knife very carefully before leaving home, was well aware of the damage I could inflict. With a growl, my legs forced hers apart even more. Sliding the blade down the side of her hip, I admired the way her flesh yielded beneath it. I smelled her fear. It snaked up between us and sliced into me as deeply as my blade could into her flesh. I wanted to cut her, to watch her bleed, craved to see those ribbons of red on her pale flesh. My urge to cut was every bit as strong as my urge to fuck, but this wasn’t the time. Not this time…

The lace fabric proved no match for the razor sharp blade. Fear, excitement and lust crawled over us as the knife sliced through the thin fabric that hid what was beneath. The girl worked so hard to stay still that she had forgotten to take a breath. I grabbed a handful of hair, forcing her head back and whispered viciously into her ear, commanding her to breathe. Needing to see for myself, I jerked her head back even more and looked at her. Her eyes showed the fear, but it wasn’t overwhelming her. Yes, she trusted me implicitly, but this was new ground for us to cover, so my questioning gaze remained. She flashed a little half-smile. That told me what I wanted to know.

Pushing myself on top of her again, I moved the knife to my other hand and again, slid the blade against her flesh and under the fabric. It was like cutting into warm butter. The fabric fell away. I closed the knife and replaced it on the stand. Reaching under her, I fisted the scrap of material and pulled it away. As I did, she attempted to wiggle away from me. With the intent to overpower, I dug my fingers into the flesh of her hips and flipped her over onto her back. Using moves I’d learned long ago, I held her there, kept her immobile. She struggled against me. Her breath came in panting spurts, more from the fierce excitement than the struggle. I brought the now useless panties up to her face and shoved them partially in her mouth. She twisted her head to the side, trying to avoid getting an entire mouthful. She made a pretty picture, lying there beneath me, pink, cut-up panties filling her mouth. Nothing except my cock could have looked any better in there.

“Any more notions about wearing panties when you come to me?” I asked her, a smile plastered on my face because she looked so cute with that pink lace hanging out of her mouth.

With her gaze betraying her true feelings, she spit what she could of the fabric out of her mouth and mumbled, “No, Sir.”

Now, with nothing in my way, I had the home field advantage. Careful to watch for any sudden movements, I slid off her. She stayed where she was, looking up at me expectantly.

“Head down, ass up. We need to discuss this matter further.”

Again, that laugh…

Uhm such pleasant dreams,
Lews

I'll reread it tomorrow but I think it's gonna take some searching to find a nit
Mad

[tessa]

Uhm such pleasant dreams,
Lews

Yeah, kinda thought Lews would go for it.

I'll reread it tomorrow but I think it's gonna take some searching to find a nit
Mad

Search away...please? If there are nits left, I want them found and eradicated. Bothersome little buggers, messing up my porn.

~hugs for Mad and a wiggle for Lews~
tessa

[Ruby]

Tessa,

This is very well done. I do believe it's gotten quite hot in here.

I have a few nits, but they are more for you to check the sentence structure than anything else.

Always thinking ahead, I had sharpened the knife very carefully before leaving home, and was well aware of the damage I could inflict. With a growl, my legs forced hers apart even more. Sliding the blade down the side of her hip, I admired the way her flesh yielded beneath it. I smelled her fear. It snaked up between us and sliced into me as deeply as my blade could into her flesh. I wanted to cut her, to watch her bleed, and craved to see those ribbons of red on her pale flesh. My urge to cut was every bit as strong as my urge to fuck, but this wasn’t the time. Not this time…

...

Pushing myself on top of her again, I moved the knife to my other hand and again - remove "," - slid the blade against her flesh and under the fabric. - Remove "It was" - Like cutting into warm butter, the fabric fell away. I closed the knife and replaced it on the stand. Reaching under her, I fisted the scrap of material and pulled it away. As I did, she attempted to wiggle away from me. With the intent to overpower, I dug my fingers into the flesh of her hips and flipped her over onto her back. Using moves I’d learned long ago, I held her there, keeping her immobile. She struggled against me. Her breath came in panting spurts, more from the fierce excitement than the struggle. I brought the now useless panties up to her face and shoved them partially in her mouth. She twisted her head to the side, trying to avoid getting an entire mouthful. She made a pretty picture, lying there beneath me, with her pink, cut-up panties filling her mouth.

...

See? It's really minor stuff, those last itty-bitty edits that need a bit of tweaking. And, in reality, if you were going to publish this piece for money, an editor might be assigned to catch those few items.

Keep up the great work, Tessa and write on!

Ruby

[tessa]

~leaves a note for Ruby for when she gets back~

Dear Ruby-

Thanks for tweaking on my story. You tweak real nice.

I'll make the changes. I'm glad there weren't so many of them. Wish there'd been none at all for you to find. Oh well, I can keep trying, can't I?

Ok, on to castles and gothic creatures. This should be a fun one!

[moptop]

Um - I'm not sure I'm supposed to do this... but not being sure about something rarely stops me!

Tessa, firstly, great story and good re-write.

Secondly, everyone, great feedback. I'm learning a lot from reading your destruction, sorry, constructive criticism of this, and from Tessa's re-working of it.

But... I had some nit-picks. So - hell, why not!

I don't know how to do the partial/multi-quote thing properly, so I'll just do copy & pastes.

"I very deliberately wiggled the panties between the crack of her ass"

It struck me that you would wiggle them up or into the crack, or between her cheeks. I'm not sure you can wiggle something between a crack.

I smelled her fear. It snaked up between us and sliced into me as deeply as my blade could into her flesh.

Probably just because I'm a lazy reader, but I had trouble with that. I recognise that you have taken what you said originally and made it a much more powerful image, but the change in subject between the knife - on which my attention was very, very focussed - and the fear threw me. In fact, I missed it altogether and had to go back and read that bit again. I wondered whether it would be more evident to the reader if you gave the fear a bit more space. I thought about,

"I smelled her fear snake up between us. It sliced into me as deeply as my blade could into her flesh."

Or 'as it snaked' may be better.

That also then allows an easy transition back to the focus on the blade.

Or even just 'I could smell her fear.'

Hope you don't mind me putting my two p'ennorth in, especially when I have sooooo much work to do on re-writing my post which wasn't even my assignment proper...

[tessa]

Hope you don't mind me putting my two p'ennorth in, especially when I have sooooo much work to do on re-writing my post which wasn't even my assignment proper...

I don't mind one bit!!! I am grateful for your two p'ennorth. I'm going to use that "knife/fear" suggestion you made. It reads so much better! Thanks for taking the time here. (I'm supposed to be working on my assignment as well...yeah, I am so working on that story right now )

~hugs for the helpful moptop~

[Mad Lews]

Ok, I stole everyone's wonderful ideas and suggestions and I hope I incorporated them properly. If not, I have this feeling that someone will assist me in making it proper...well, proper as it applies to erotica. Thanks for all the help, y'all!
************************************************** *******

OK I promised to pick out a nit, then ran off to the islands and left you high and dry? are you ever really dry tessa? Don't answer that your blush speaks volumes.

She laughed. It was one of those hysterical-like sounds, but with an edge of darkness to it that fueled me.

OK hysterical-like sounds a little like HS prom night like ya know?
Hows about something like....

She laughed. It was a nearly hysterical sound, with an edge of darkness that....

That wicked laugh bubbled up from her as I pinned her down once more.

OK you've got her laughing again but a very different sound and meaning. She's happy, confident,teasing; transitioning from fear to control, and willing to barter with her power and control. Use the laughter as a metaphor for that change a window into her feelings. Come right out and say it.
Her laughter changed, or the next outburst was different

“You dared come to me wearing panties?” I kept my voice low and very deep.

She laughed again, mocking slightly. “These are my favorite panties. I like them so I wore them.” Her defiance covered each word she spoke.

and again, you're using it but be aware and make your reader aware with a bit of subtlety but an unmistakable grip on the subject.

She stopped laughing. Her gasp of surprise sounded as sweet as her wild giggle.

“I suggest you stay very, very still.” Her body shook beneath mine as I spoke.

OK. Here is where the Dom really takes charge and the fair damsel is put (or allows herself to be put) in her place.

Now, with nothing in my way, I had the home field advantage. Carefully watching for any sudden movements, I slid off her. She stayed where she was, looking up at me expectantly.

“Head down, ass up. We need to discuss this matter further.”

Again, that laugh…

and once again the sub takes charge. (with a gentle little laugh.)
Overall it's a great interplay. You just seem to have that cute little sub doing a bit of topping with her giggle. Don't get me wrong, I love it, just let the Dom feel he's in charge is all OK
Mad
hey I am in charge, right tessa?
Lews

[Beswitchingly Positive]

[QUOTE=tessa;319762]It made sense to me when it happened! ~laughs~


tessa, I knew exactly what you were talking about. It happens in wrestling, he and I struggle, but he is stronger, and he has a way of twisting himself in my legs and wrenching them apart and pinning me where he wants me at the same time, with his legs around mine and parting them at the same time. I can't say exactly how to describe it, it is a sneaky move (he usually has me by the hair so I can't look)...I just wanted to tell you, I knew what you were getting at.

Nice story, I am still struggling with editing my male pov piece. Nice job.

Beswitching